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Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Tue, 18 Jan 2011 23:47:29 EST

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...

Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.

Unattractive ESPN Reporter Refutes Ines Sainz

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 10:49:03 EDT

It's been a crazy week, with the recent accusations of sexual harassment in the Jets locker room by Ines Sainz, the attractive sports reporter and former model from Mexico’s TV Azteca. Now Shelley Smith, one of ESPN’s most unattractive female reporters have come out in defense of the Jets and NFL players in general.

“I seriously question the veracity of Ms. Sainz’s claims of harassment," said Smith. In all my time as a reporter, I have never once been the recipient of any cat calls, uncomfortable stares or lewd comments while on the sidelines or in any NFL locker room."

Smith also noted that most of the players go out of their way to be very respectful and that they go out of their way to quickly dress or otherwise make an attempt to cover themselves when she enters the room.

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 7:57:02 EDT

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.

After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.

Aikman And Buck Celebrate 120 Years Of Football

Mon, 13 Sep 2010 9:38:42 EDT

by Brett Lay

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck just surpassed John Madden and Pat “I shot Billy the Kid” Summerall as the Fox network’s longest-tenured broadcasting team.

“I can remember when we used to use telegraphs for play by plays,” stated Troy Aikman, half of the broadcast duo for Fox Sports, before slamming the empty shot glass on the table. “And I can’t tell you how often Joe would be in a shootout in whatever local saloon we were at, and then just come dragging in right before broadcast, bleeding profusely but soundly drunk.”

Buck added, “It was much harder before all the high def cameras and what not. You try to figure out which team is which when everything around is in Sepia tone.”

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

Sun, 12 Sep 2010 0:45:07 EDT

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Tue, 07 Sep 2010 9:43:49 EDT

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

Fri, 17 Sep 2010 11:30:18 EDT

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Stephen Strasburg Loses Super Powers, Season Out

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 9:01:44 EDT

The Washington Nationals announced in a conference call this morning that phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg’s mutant right arm has lost its powers due to recent sunspot activity.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg realized there was a problem when he could no longer summon the powers of a Norse god of thunder to fling baseballs at his normal average speed of several hundred miles an hour in a recent practice.

“As anyone who has had mutant powers granted to them and then taken away by a freak act of nature can tell you, it’s a traumatic experience. Just ask Cyclops or Wolverine,” Rizzo told reporters. “But he is fully committed to doing whatever he has to do to rehab and get back out there, because lord knows, we need him,” Rizzo continued between slow sobs at the mic. “Who knew that his weakness was random bursts of electromagnetic energy? We just assumed it would be drugs and alcohol, like the other red-blooded ball players we have on this team.”

Dodgers Pull Prank, Send Manny To White Sox

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 8:57:30 EDT

The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them 3 years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

"Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!" said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. "I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

Tue, 31 Aug 2010 8:52:04 EDT

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

Panthers Say Starting QB Battle Going To Overtime

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 10:00:45 EDT

The Carolina Panthers announced today that the battle for the starting quarterback job during preseason has ended in a tie. Both incumbent Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen both tried hard to overcome the other in a tense competition, but neither was able to make a case that they should be a starting QB in the NFL.

"These guys both gave it their all, but in the end both of them just kind of suck," said Panthers head coach John Fox. "Just like a football game can go into overtime if it's two awful offenses who can't score, this thing is going to overtime as well."

QB competition overtime is very rare in the NFL. The rules are simple, both QBs line up behind center in the shotgun during the first regular game, hike the ball, and see who gets it and does the best over the course of the game. It's hard to run an effective offense with two players on your own team fighting for one ball on every snap, but this is the only way to settle the battle at this point.

Coors Light Train Derails, Kills 58 Fans At Game

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 14:36:02 EDT

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

Tiger Woods Says Party At His House Tonight

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:07:35 EDT

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren officially finalized their divorce today, nine months after he wrecked his car in the middle of the night and his serial infidelity was revealed to the world at large.

In a joint statement released by the couple, they said: "We are amicably separating for the good of our children, and are ready to move forward with our lives. This will be a difficult time for the both of us, and we hope that through privacy we will be able to settle into our new roles as joint parents.

"We also want to announce that there will be a party the size and scale of which will blow your freaking brains through your ass, tonight at Tiger's new bachelor pad in Orlando, FL. Elin would like me to give her back control of the keyboard so we can both agree on the rest of this joint statement, but she can suck it...not literally...that will be done by a multitude of random women too young to drink, starting tonight at 11:00 PM. Be there! It's time to celebrate my freedom from the shackles of this golf club wielding mad woman!

Tim Tebow Releases Premium XXX Website For Media

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:24:34 EDT

Tim Tebow today announced the opening of the brand new TimTebow.com today, a website with premium paid access for reporters and members of the media who just can't get enough of the Broncos QB. For only $19.99 per month, ESPN commentators and talk radio hosts can get a behind the scenes look at Tebow's most personal information, just in case there is no trivial Tebow news they can use that day to shoehorn in another discussion of the quarterback.

"Wow, if there's one thing I love, it's talking and watching Tebow," said ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd. "As a member of the media, I just can't get enough! I signed up for the new site membership immediately, and can now debate whether or not he can be successful in the NFL, at any time and anywhere! Wow! He just tweeted to all us premium members that he made eggs for breakfast! He's already adjusted to breakfasts in the NFL! He's ready to take over this team now!"

Dustin Cancels Trip To Beach, Afraid Its A Bunker

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 8:32:52 EDT

Dustin Johnson has cancelled his family's trip to Miami Beach next week, afraid it may turn out to be another secret bunker. After grounding his club cost him a chance at the playoff at the PGA Championship over the weekend with a two-stroke penalty, he is taking no chances. After watching Bubba Watson and Martin Kaymer go on to compete in a playoff, he was noticeably skeptical.

"I don't want this vacation to come back and cost me a major in the future," said Johnson. "There is a lot of sand there, that's the first danger sign this could be a sand trap in disguise. I was sure to read all the posted rules this time about Miami Beach; stay near the shore, no lifeguard on duty, don't litter. But I'm still not confident about going there..."

Doctor Cuts Off Favre's Hand To Force Retirement

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 9:21:33 EDT

Perhaps the biggest question in the NFL this month is whether or not Brett Favre will return to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings in the upcoming season.

Sports fans across the country have spent the last month being frustrated to death by the constant Favre coverage and have tried everything to get him out of their heads.

Thankfully, the decision has finally been made for Favre as during his meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Favre’s right hand was apparently cut off in some kind of medical accident. The loss of his throwing hand has forced Favre to announce his retirement and he is still trying to figure out how it happened.

“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I don’t actually remember anything from the appointment, just that I woke up in the waiting room with one hand chopped off,” Favre said about the incident.

Lions Fire Coach After Preseason Loss

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 12:45:53 EDT

News came out of Detroit this morning that head coach Jim Schwartz has been fired by the Lions after a blowout preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers over the weekend.

"This is it, season over. We suck again..." said team president Tom Lewand. "If there was one time where we were supposed to be able to be competitive, it was the preseason! But no, we can't even avoid being blown out there! This team has a suspended quarterback, and they still put up 27 points on us!"

All remaining coaches on the Lions staff immediately yelled "Not It!" upon hearing the news, in hopes they would not have to take over the team.

Quarterback Matt Stafford said he was surprised by the firing, but was a little more optimistic on the loss.

Raiders Fans Holding Out From Training Camp

Thu, 12 Aug 2010 18:33:24 EDT

The Oakland Raiders still could not come to an agreement with their fans today to get them to return this season. This marks week 2 of the holdout by all Raiders fans, who are demanding a new contract that guarantees the team will at least be competitive for at least a month into the season. The fans have said, if an agreement can't be reached, they want to be traded before the season begins to a competitor like the Colts.

"We want assurances that this team will reward us for our efforts," said a representative of the fans. "For years we have come out to games, dressed in ridiculous leather outfits with crazy helmets and spikes. We give 110% out there, and are rewarded with crap like Daunte Culpepper as our best QB of the last 8 years? Unacceptable! We are great fans, and deserve better than these Raiders!"

Massive Crash Of NFL Writers Making Camp Tours

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 7:54:19 EDT

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

Penn State Announces Zombie JoePa Will Coach Team

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 7:38:24 EDT

As Joe Paterno enters his 45th season as the head coach of the football program at Penn State, some have begun to question how much longer the 83 year old can continue to lead a major program. It was believed that his current contract, set to expire after next season, would finally be the end of his storied career. No one wants to see such a historic sports figure die in office.

But officials from Penn State announced today that it doesn't necessarily have to be end, should he die while still the head coach.

"We have an exciting announcement from our college of Medical Sciences & Dark Arts today," said enthusiastic school president Graham Spanier. "We believe we now have the technology to be able to bring JoePa back as an undead zombie, should he die soon."

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 7:53:13 EDT

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

Albert Haynesworth Says He Did Not Eat Shanahan

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 7:52:02 EDT

Albert Haynesworth announced today that he has finally passed the Washington Redskins conditioning test that has held him back from beginning training camp with his team. It was reported over the past two days that Haynesworth was not able to run consecutive 100 yard sprints, and Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan was very displeased.

But the third time appears to be the charm for the pro bowl defensive lineman, as he announced in a press conference he had been passed on the test shortly before dinner time last night. This happened even though he seems to have gained somewhere in the vicinity of 170 pounds in the past 24 hours. But Haynesworth says despite the weight gain he was able to impress the coach into letting him join the rest of the team.

Discovery Channel Kicks Off San Jose Sharks Week

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 7:45:29 EDT

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

St. Louis Rams Sign Wrong Kind Of Pro Bowler

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 7:40:57 EDT

The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.

"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."

Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.

Justin Bieber Throws First Pitch And Then No-No

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:00:35 EDT

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 7:44:35 EDT

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

Baltimore Orioles Accept Assignment To Minors

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 7:28:13 EDT

Major League Baseball announced today that the Baltimore Orioles have agreed to an assignment to the AA Eastern League for the remainder of the 2010 season. The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East Division and who lay claim to the worst record in Major League Baseball, will be replaced in the majors by their promising minor league affiliate, the Bowie Baysox. The Baysox, who made the AA playoffs as recently as 2008, are currently in second place in the Western Division and are in the midst of a tight battle with the Altoona Curve for the division title.

“I’m not going to lie” said Orioles interim manager Juan Samuel. “This is going to be a tough pill to swallow. As a team, you just don’t want to ever admit that you’re not the club you once were. This is a proud organization that has had its share of success. We’ve won World Series Championships and had great Hall of Fame Players like Jim Palmer and Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson. If you ask me, things started going downhill for us about the time Cal Ripken, Jr. retired and that piece of crap Rafael Palmeiro started making erectile dysfunction commercials and lying to Congress.”

Man From Something Called A Newspaper Detained

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 7:45:28 EDT

NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.

The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter. Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax. The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the internet like everybody else.

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:13:14 EDT

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

NFL Investigates Bush Allegedly Taking Money Now

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 8:01:28 EDT

In the wake of the Heisman committee announcing they were exploring possibly revoking Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman trophy, comes more bad news for the runningback. The NFL has said that it too will investigate strong evidence that he is currently being given heaps money by a group known as the "New Orleans Saints", as well as several major corporations for sponsorships.

"We are looking seriously at the evidence here that Bush is currently getting $15 million a year from the Saints and $5 million more from advertisers," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference today. "Wow, that is an awful lot of money for a back who average less than 500 yards a season and gets injured all the time. I have seen him pitching me Subway more on Sundays than I see him involved in plays on the field."