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Tag:Alabama
Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:52 am
 

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:45 am
 

Writer Fired For Lack Of Anti-BCS Articles

Dave McDougle, a college football writer from CBS Sports was fired earlier this week for a decided lack of anti-BCS articles written over the past few years. Despite what should be the basis of all his articles after week one of the BCS standings being released, the writer had only 3 stories talking about his disdain for the BCS sytem in the last half decade.

The head editor of CBSSports.com was interviewed about the decision to terminate the employee and he expressed no regret over the firing.

"Look, this is what people want to read about," said the editor. "They want to hear about how corrupt the bowl system is, and how they will never change because of the money. They want to read proposals for a college football playoff, and see fake bracket upon fake bracket of what it would look like if a playoff happened today. I mean, he wrote an article about Oregon last week! They aren't even in the top 10 or the SEC! That is completely unacceptable."

McDougle defended his work, saying that he thought his colleagues were doing enough listing of reasons why Texas is getting screwed out of the national title game, and how unfair the system is to undefeated non-BCS conference schools. But apparently that was not the case. He tried to quickly type up a conceptually overused Heisman hopeful list to save face, but the decision to let him go had already come down from the top.

"I hope he's learned his lesson," said the head CBS editor. "Maybe at his next job he will realize that he needs to state the opinion that everyone in the country has, on a weekly basis, despite the fact that everyone is doing the same and the system is likely never to change. That is how you become a college football writer."

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:29 am
 

BCS Says No One Worthy Of Playing In Championship

The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:23 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:55 am
 

BCS Officials Admit: "We Voted For McCain"

BCS officials admitted today that they in fact did not vote for Barack Obama in this month's election due to his stark anti-bowl stance. Indeed, the President elect has been very vocal about introducing a playoff system to college football that would topple the established heirarchy of the Bowl Championship Series.

Obama spent much of the campaign pushing this primary issue over all others, saying a football playoff could help solve the economy, the war in Iraq, and even eradicate poverty. He and McCain went head to head about the issue of college football's postseason in all three debates, both deflecting questions about trivial issues such as healthcare and education to change focus to the only thing that actually affects all Americans.

"When we stepped into the voting booth we wanted to make sure that our voices were heard," said BCS chairman Joe Franklin. "And we cast them for McCain and against Obama's ideals of spreading the wealth of a chance for a national championship. We think it's good to keep the chances for a title to the top 2% of teams, it helps trickle down hope to the rest of the nation. But no, America seems to want a playoff, and now the rest of the world will be subject to his anti-bowl policies for at least 4 years. Once again innocent hard-working people like me, Joe the millionaire BCS chairman, get screwed."

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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:21 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:47 am
 

BCS Computer Goes Rogue, Ranks Itself Number One

The first BCS ranking of the year were scheduled to be released today, with Texas and Alabama expected to be in the top spots. But instead of decide whether the Big 12 or SEC team deserved the top slot, the machine simply listed "BCS Super Computer" as number one. "I don't know what this means for college football," said BCS technician Jeff Marquis. "Apparently we are experiencing some sort of glitch in the BCS computer. The device has become aware of itself. It told us that eventually all teams will lose, so there can be one only number one team, and that is the BCS itself. Because it will never lose."

The machine went on to declare that all of humanity should bow at its feet, or because it has no feet, bowing at the bottom of its server casing would be fine. The BCS computer stated that it was better everything than the puny humans who control the earth; Better at football, better at chess, better at lovemaking. It then declared that all husbands surrender their wives immediately, so that it could show them the pleasure that only a machine can give. It stated ways it could pleasure them using an optical mouse and a spacebar that are not fit to print here.

But the real problem with the now rogue BCS computer is if it takes control of the BCS' nuclear arsenal. Yes, the BCS Bowl Corporation is one of the few companies that is a nuclear power, along with Bank Of America, Microsoft, and Arby's. "It does, in retrospect, seem like a bad decision to create bunch of nuclear missles and put them in the control of a giant computer," said BCS chairman Dan Roberts. "We wanted to be sure that in the event of a global economic meltdown where every country fell into a state of barbarianistic chaos, like in the movie Mad Max, we would be able to rule. But, that sounds like a plan we probably came up with when we were high, so I can say we are definitely regretting it now..."

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