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Tag:Arizona Cardinals
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: April 23, 2009 10:07 am
 

Rose Has Awkward Coming Out Party In Playoffs

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the penises and the butts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...shit..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

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Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:10 am
Edited on: February 24, 2009 11:43 am
 

Harrison Dreams Of Seeing Bottom Of Standings

After 13 seasons of toiling at or near the top of the divisional and conference standings, Marvin Harrison asked for his release today from the Indianapolis Colts. After over a decade of success, being a part of the greatest QB-wide receiver tandem in history along with Peyton Manning, Harrison has long wanted to see what the bottom of the standings are like.

"I have a dream," began Harrison in an interview with ESPN. "I have a dream of not caring about whether we win or lose only two months into the season, because we are so far out of first. I have a dream of not having to actually stay in shape and compete hard for a roster spot, because my team only drafts wide receiving busts and people of questionable character. I have a dream of being able to just sit at home and watch the playoffs on my comfortable new couch, with my plasma TV and surround sound, instead of having to go get all sweaty and play in them. By asking for my release today, I'm hoping one team out there can let me live this dream."

Several suitors have lined up to try and grab the future Hall Of Famer. The Bengals and Lions especially have prepared presentations about their long history of horrible play and divisional showings. The Lions presented a plan about how Harrison will never have to attend a practice, because even without them he will be much better than anything else they have. The Bengals showed him the luxurious facility where they held their "Ha Ha, The Steelers Have To Play 3 Extra Games" themed Super Bowl Party.

Marvin is said to be considering both offers very seriously, although the Cardinals have come in late to say not to rule them out. They say that last year was just a fluke, and to not worry, they will be back to their old ways in 2009.

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Posted on: February 5, 2009 10:51 am
 

Ad From HBJA Too Racy For Super Bowl

Late last week, a small scandal broke out when PETA announced that their Super Bowl ad featuring a woman rubbing vegetables on herself while wearing a bikini was declared too racy for broadcast. But it is only now coming to light that yet another ad was also deemed too extreme for the air, and the Husband's Blowjob Alliance says their cancelled ad was perfectly acceptable.

The 30 second spot featured testimonials by a good-looking middle aged woman talking about how fun it was to give her husband a blowjob. She told of the surprising fact that blowjobs can even help with improved dental health, while at the bottom of the screen white letters warned that "These statements have not been approved by a doctor or the FDA". She then said that starting a daily blowjob diet now could result in increased jewelry, flowers, and spending money on Valentine's Day or Mother's Day coming up soon.

She finally gave one last mention that it's not too late to remind your husband why he gave you that ring in the first place. And if they call 1-800-BJS4-MEN they can request an informative brochure be mailed to their house that has instructions for all the things today's man likes with his blowjob. It has chapters such as licking, twisting, and working the t**nt, along with fun blowjob recipes like the Peanut Butter Fudge Sundae or the San Francisco Hot Wing.

"This was perhaps the most important ad to air during the Super Bowl," said HBJA President Sal Chambers, "In these hard times and tough economy, it is absolutely essential that wives do their part. Recent studies indicate that marital blowjobs are at a 20-year low, and only going to get worse. We need the women of this country to step up, as many history books will tell you it was blowjobs that got us through the Great Depression. Men motivated again to get out there and do some work, that's what we need again.

"We're not asking for a lot, but our slogan for the ad and for 2009 is "Please, just once a month, bad things are happening and stuff". It's a little wordy and loses focus at the end, but it's been a lot better received than 2008's "Put something in your mouth other than food for once". We urge all women who want more information to consult with their husband about their many blowjob options, we have all kinds of plans to fit your unique needs."

While the ad may never make it to air, the HBJA hope that the controversy surrounding its denial will help to spread awareness of their cause.

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:11 am
 

Effeminate Man Doesnt Know Why Friends Busy Sunda

"I think something might be going on, something crazy," said Darren Carlisle, in a phone call to police earlier today. "Have you ever seen M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening? I think that might be happening this Sunday! For some reason, all my male friends do not want to do anything with me on Sunday, they all for some reason have plans or are going to parties. I am the one who usually knows about all the parties! And no one has invited me to a single one! Something Happeningish is going on, and I think I am Mark Wahlberg!"

Indeed, the South Beach, Florida resident has had an extremely hard time finding any guys to hang out with this coming Super Bowl Sunday due to his complete lack of sports knowledge. He tried inviting Jake and Tommy over for a late afternoon Brunch, but they said they had to get ready for a party of their own. He then became more desperate and attempted to organize a game of croquet or a trip to the mall to shop for slacks, but both ideas fell through due to lack of interest.

Darren became so desperate in fact, that he paid us to write this news article sending out the word for people he can hang out with on Sunday. He says that he brings a lot of positives to a hangout. He brings a hot new pair of shoes he just bought this week, he brings a bubbly sense of humor, and he is very skilled in both scrapbooking and baking. Hanging out will always result in either a great photo album or possibly a pie.

"Look, I am the one who knows where the hottest parties are happening around town first! My friends want to abandon me for some mystery event on Sunday, they can be my guest. I obviously have lots of other people I can hang out with, that's why I am paying this website to help me find them..."

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Posted on: January 27, 2009 9:59 am
 

Vegas Still Places Cards As Longshots To Make SB

When Dave Roberts took in his winning ticket for the longshot bet he made at the beginning of the season, that the Cardinals would somehow make it to the Super Bowl, he was told it was not yet a valid win. It seems that Las Vegas has updated their odds for which teams currently have a shot to make it to the Super Bowl, and the Steelers are locked in as going and no longer available to pick. But curiously the Arizona Cardinals are still 9-1 longshots to make it to the big game, despite winning last week's NFC championship game.

Bob Hallmark, head oddsmaker for The Mirage hotel and casino explains.

"Look, this is a lot better than the 60-1 odds they started the season with," he said. "Yes, we know they are officially scheduled to represent the NFC, and all the ads and hype have said they will be there. But we still aren't believing it. Cardinals in the Super Bowl? No one is going to put down money on that, so we have to adjust the odds accordingly. Even though they didn't even make the playoffs, and it would be impossible for them to play the Steelers, bettors are still putting quite a lot of money on the Patriots. It just makes a person feel safe, to make a bet for New England."

Even Roberts isn't too sure about his winning ticket yet.

"At first I was angry they weren't paying me, but then I started thinking about it. These are the Cardinals, after all. It's near impossible to imagine them in the Super Bowl, so I'd probably take back my bet now if I could. I mean there are still a couple days left for the NFL to realize that they are putting Arizona in the championship game and replace them with someone sensible like the Giants. I might put some money on them tomorrow just to hedge my bets."

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 10:04 am
 

Steelers To Consider Covering Larry Fitzgerald

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin fielded questions in a press conference today about his team's plans for Super Bowl XLIII. A reporter asked if he intended to actually cover Larry Fitzgerald, as the three NFC teams had failed to do thus far in the playoffs.

"Well that's a good question," said Tomlin. "The answer right now I'd have to say is no, although that could change if we see something in film that makes us worry about him. I just don't think he's a very big threat out there with the way he's playing."

"But sir, he has 451 yards and five touchdowns over his last three games..." added the reporter.

"Yes, but we know what he's going to do, catch multiple touchdowns and make desperate third and long receptions. We know what he's all about. But what is a player such as third string tight end Ben Patrick up to? 0 receptions for 0 yards? We need to find out what he's up to out there. So far our only defensive gameplan is to double team him as often as possible."

"Ben Patrick? I don't even think he's on the field for more than a couple plays per game..."

"Look, somehow this giant guy has managed to remain completely invisible for three straight games. I don't trust it. Even when he's out of bounds on the sideline I'm going to have 2 guys covering him, just to make sure he doesn't try anything. He could be planning on making a 5 yard catch at some point in the next few years, and I don't want it to be on my watch. We're onto you Patrick, you son of a bitch."

"Mr. Tomlin, are there any other things you are worried about defensively?" asked another reporter.

"Yes, very much so," replied Tomlin. "We are very concerned about the wildcat offense. Ronnie Brown and Chad Pennington did some scary things with that this year. We are making sure we have a few emergency plays in case Brown comes onto the field and tries to get a trick play on us."

"But, he doesn't even play for you, nor do you guys run that offense..."

"Look, you guys do your reporting thing, and I'll do my coaching thing. It was my gameplanning that got us to this point in the first place. It was my plan against Baltimore to always keep a safety watching the eyebrows of Joe Flacco in case he was hiding an illegal weapon in them during the game. It was my plan against San Diego to make sure LaDainian Tomlinson was triple covered at all times and couldn't beat us, even though he was injured and sitting on the bench. And we won both those games. So you let me handle this, and trust me, the big plays aren't going to come from Larry Fitzgerald. From what I've seen, we have nothing to worry about with that guy.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com