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Tag:Atlanta Falcons
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: June 13, 2009 10:06 am
 

Vick Now Available To Teams Looking For Downgrade

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:33 am
 

Munchkin Player Smaller At Combine Than College

When Michael Crabtree showed up at the Combine to get measured, he checked in at 2 full inches under his listed 6' 3" at Texas Tech. Scouts were somewhat stunned at such a gross mismeasurement. But the most amazing shocker of the Combine came when linebacker Beezleknees Gum Gum measured over 3 feet smaller than his listed 6' 5" at Emerald City College, completely scrambling everyone's draft boards.

While Gum Gum had been a dominant force in Divison VII college football, the division for literature and fairy tale characters, some say he may struggle at the next level. He led Emerald City in tackles, interceptions, and sacks, as they went on to triumph over the Narnia Fairies in the Division VII championship game. He is somewhat of a legend on campus, after he made a stunning interception return for a touchdown that helped upset the Hogwarts Wizards in the semi-finals, a matchup that oddsmakers expected them to lose handily.

But in standing Beezleknees next to the other Combine athletes, it seems like it might be very hard to compete for the 3 foot kid from Munchkin Land. He ran a 8.5 40-yard dash, a very good time for someone with legs half the size of a normal human. Plus, he showed some resolve when he attempted to tackle Florida runningback Percy Harvin. He wasn't able to actually bring him down, but he latched onto his right thigh and held on all the way to the endzone on a 72-yard touchdown, something a lesser munchkin would never be able to do.

Scouts aren't sure where he will go now in the draft, as he was projected to be an early 3rd rounder based on his performance on tape. But now that he has turned out to be smaller, some are saying he might not be drafted at all, as he is too easy to confuse with the football itself. Others say his ability to use magic might make up for his physical deficiencies.

Gum Gum is the son of a wealthy mother from the Lollipop Guild and a hardworking father who made fudge-covered cookies in an oak tree. If he is drafted, he would be the first munchkin to ever be taken on draft day. Right now, it appears he will be the only Division VII player taken, although the Falcons are very high on a speedy runningback centaur out of Fantasia State.

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:19 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Patriots might have had a chance to beat the Dolphins this Sunday, but that was before they had to rely on Matt Cassel to throw the ball. They will be lucky if they can get 100 yards through the air.
  • To be Donovan McNabb must be great, you have a completely secure job as the franchise QB, everybody in Philadelphia loves you, and you don't have to spend time reading or knowing any of the NFL rulebook.
  • People in Cleveland have started to talk bad about Brady Quinn's play recently after a very good showing in his first NFL game, don't be surprised if Derek Anderson has to come on the field for a bit and remind their fans what bad quarterback play really looks like.
  • Apparently when you are a giant anthropomorphic Whopper from Burger King, you still somehow manage to get a really hot human wife. I don't know how that love making works, but there is a strangely rare lack of results when I type "burger porn" into a search engine. Someone needs to get to work on that type of website immediately, this is an untapped gold mine. Prospective names you can use: "Hold The Pickles", "Mayonaisse On The Side", "I'll Take It Medium Rare".
  • Shaun Alexander is returning to face Seattle for the first time since being cut. So far this season he has a stunning 24 total yards in five games. If only they hadn't cut such an integral part of the offense, they might not be 2-8. Look for him to rub it in their faces by running for 5 yards, and showing them what they are missing out on.
  • Say goodbye to your nice run Jets fans, it's time to face a team that can really put up some points, and all you've got to answer them with is that Favre guy.
  • I just realized that Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio's name in Spanish means Jack Of The River! That would be an awesome syndicated action-adventure series. His co-stars can be all these players from the Jags who obviously don't have much talent in football playing. Maybe they would be better actors instead.
  • Bud Light, the difference is drinkability. Remember when you tried to drink other liquids like Listerine, conola oil, a glass of urine, or that crazy water stuff and you threw it up everywhere? Well, you should have been drinking Bud Light, it is the one drinkable liquid. Every other beer you have to chew apparently.
  • If only the Lions were able to get a nice lead on a team, I'm sure they would be able to hold onto it...
  • T.O. is just not the same receiver he used to be, I remember when he would get 200 yard games like it was nothing. Now he is struggling just to make a first down. That will be bad for Dallas' chances this week.
  • I think the Colts not having a clutch kicker is going to haunt them at some point this season. Adam Vinatieri? I don't know who this scrub is, but they need to pick someone up before they need to kick a long one to win a game.
  • Ah! Hurry everyone, abondon this Cardinals bandwagon we are all floating on! We appear to have hit an iceberg called the New York Giants! We are sinking back into the pack of mediocre NFC teams! See if some of us can get a ride on the U.S.S. Falcons for a few weeks!

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Posted on: November 11, 2008 10:52 am
Edited on: November 11, 2008 10:58 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Suddenly, the Rams look very competitive. Expect them to compete hard with the Jets and everyone else the rest of the season.
  • The Titans running game has looked so amazing, I am going to start both their runningbacks this week! Here come the points baby!
  • I have no idea why this great quarterback was at home flipping burgers for half the season!" - Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli on QB Daunte Culpepper. I can't figure it out either Rod, he is amazing in my copy of Madden 2001.
  • Whoa friend! What's that you have there? A wussy 1000 calorie fast food meal in a bag? If you were a real man you would get this awesome KFC box, featuring 8 different fried things. I'm not sure what some of them are, but they are covered in extra tasty crispy batter and hence delicious. Who cares if they are my total caloric intake for the entire week.
  • If the Texans can just hang with the Ravens for 3 quarters, they will find a way to pull out a win.
  • Drew Brees has shown a lot of good chemistry with some of the Falcons defenders, look for them to hook up on some big scores.
  • Word out of Carolina is that some scientists from MIT are going to run an experiment and see just how bad a quarterback can play against the Oakland Raiders and still win a game. We'll see how that goes.
  • Wait a minute, for some reason I am not being inundated by 3 commercials per break telling me how people in government are lying to me and trying to raise my taxes...
  • Pittsburgh may lose from time to time, but at least when they do they aren't crybabies about it.
  • If only the Kansas City Chiefs had some balls and took some risks, they might be able to get a win every now and then.
  • On Monday night, for the first time in 19 seasons, Hank Williams Jr. will not be ready for some football...
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Posted on: August 26, 2008 10:03 am
Edited on: August 26, 2008 10:19 am
 

Falcons Decide Ryan Bad Enough To Start Already

The Atlanta Falcons have announced that Matt Ryan will start the season for them at quarterback, saying he is ready to lead the team to the 4-12 record they all know they are capable of. Ryan first impressed Falcons scouts for his ability to throw a football, something they hadn't seen in all the years with Michael Vick and Joey Harrington. "We're really excited about the possibility of doing something called a "pass" this season," said GM Rich McKay. "I've heard about other teams doing this in the past, and I'm glad we'll finally be able to try it. Apparently, they have even been able to get some touchdowns out of this pass thing, which we only got 2 or 3 times last year, so that will be very cool. We've even had to hire on some more stadium graphics people to work the giant screen. Originally we told them we didn't need graphics designed for things like "First Down", "Touchdown Atlanta", and "Falcons Win!", but now we might actually need them."

The Falcons had originally planned on making Ryan sit on the bench and learn from Harrington or one of the other experienced Atlanta QB's on how to properly lose in the NFL. But, after watching him in practice and the preseason, they are confident he can do that job immediately. "When he threw his first interception of the preseason I knew he was going to be our QB," said McKay. "It was an NFL level interception, this kid is ready to do it when it counts."

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Posted on: April 10, 2008 2:30 pm
Edited on: April 10, 2008 2:31 pm
 

Favre Sets Up Emergency Quarterback Hotline

Brett Favre said in an interview yesterday that he would not rule out returning to the Green Bay Packers next season if they should be ravaged by injuries and need an emergency quarterback. "I don't think it would be out of the question that they could talk me into coming back to the field," said Favre in an interview. "Although I'm retired and might be just a little too old to play this game the way I used to, this arm still is ready to throw."

Favre is so eager to help out should anyone need an emergency quarterback, he has set up an emergency QB hotline at 1-888-DUBESTQB. "If anyone needs a QB for a special situation I'll be there 24 hours a day. Let's say maybe a buddy forgot it was his wife's birthday and can't make your touch football game, just give me a call. Perhaps your new bride sprained her throwing arm and can't toss the bouquet, I'll be there to throw that shit. Maybe you locked yourself out of your apartment, and don't want to call a boring old locksmith. It has been proven I can throw a football through solid concrete, and I can get you back into that house in style."

The hotline has already come under controversy as being a fake, as Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis announced to reporters. "This hotline is not working. We have tried calling it several times in the past 24 hours and each time have gotten a message about our number being blocked. I don't think Favre really set this up, and if he did he is not providing the emergency QB service he said he would, as there is no one more in need of one than us."

Favre addressed the concerns of Davis in a talk with reporters. "I may have blocked a few numbers from calling the hotline in the cities of Miami, Atlanta, and Oakland. But, that has nothing to do with their teams, uh, I swear. As for the hotline, I'm going to have to ask you only call it if you need a quarterback. I'm getting lots of calls from Wisconsin during emergencies such as someone breaking into a home or car accidents. These types of situations can not be solved by a long bomb, and you are better off calling 9-1-1. Thank you."

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