Posted on: January 20, 2009 10:00 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:01 am

Sports Figures Honor Inauguration Of Barack Obama

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:
  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.
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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:01 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am

Fiesta Bowl Being Served Tonight At Mexican Place

Friends of Jerry Williams, a resident of San Juan, California, are pumped about tonight's Fiesta Bowl.

"This is it baby!" said friend Kirk Sanchez. "We have been waiting all month for today's Mexican restaurant night! Every week we go out to dinner together with our wives and have something to drink. And tonight we go to Don Juan's, which has these big amazing food bowls. This one called the Fiesta Bowl is just to die for, it has beans, cheese, chips, rice, salsa, beef, and it's still cheaper than all the rest!"

"I mean, the food items we have playing together in tonight's bowl are delicious," said Jerry. "Cheese, beans, where do you go wrong with those? Even though it's one of the lesser bowls, I dare say they belonged in the big Burrito Caliente Spanish Championship Bowl, their most expensive one. I mean that thing has guacamole and pork playing in it. Who really wants to eat that? These ingredients were much more deserving."

"I don't know who I favor in tonight's Fiesta Bowl," said other friend Bruce Wilson. "I'm kind of leaning towards the beef as my favorite, but beans have a good pass rush right out my colon the next day. It's really a toss-up. One thing is for certain, and that's even though these ingredients may not have been deemed the most expensive by the food writers of the nation, we are happy to let them play in our mouths."

When asked if they would be watching any of tonight's Fiesta Bowl between Texas and Ohio State, they all answered no.

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:21 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:53 am

Notre Dame To Change Into Passive Agressive Irish

After another sub-par year for Notre Dame football, head coach Charlie Weis vows big changes on the horizon for next season. He says that in order to change the results on the field, they are going to have to change their entire team identity.They will start by no longer being known as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but the Passive Agressive Irish.

Instead of their old defensive methods of attempting to tackle the opposing team, they will express their desire for them not to get into the endzone by not speaking to them for a long time or maybe not inviting them to the annual Christmas party. Charlie Weis has already begun deploying his passive agressive mind games against USC for next season when he did not include them in a Top 5 college teams bulletin he posted on his Facebook. We will have to wait and see if this technique can stop them from beating them by 30 points again next year.

"We just don't have the athletes to fight head to head against these big programs," said Weis. "That is why we are changing the name of the team. We aren't going to be able to establish a power running game over Michigan's athletes, but we can not call them for a couple of weeks and see if that throws them off guard long enough to get some touchdowns. Look, this is the best plan I could come up with..."

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Posted on: December 30, 2008 10:20 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:33 am

Bell Helicopters Bowl Spurs Big Sales Increase

When Bell Helicopters signed on to sponsor the Armed Forces Bowl this year, they only considered it because of the great deal they were given, on account of no one wanting to watch a bowl with a barely eligible military team. But, their corporate headquarters are glad to report a drastic increase in helicopter sales as a result of the new exposure.

"We hear a lot about this bad recession the country is going through," said Bell president Gary Fulmer. "But ever since we were featured in front of a bowl, sales have really picked up. People are buying lots of helicopters, and even adding some of the expensive accessory packages like heat-seeking missles and motion-sensing gattling guns. It's a very exciting time for Bell Helicopters."

Apparently the increase in sales is due to the oversaturation of trucks and SUVs for sports-watching males. Today's man wants something with a little more omph, and a little more off-road capability than 4-wheel drive can give. Bell gives them several options such as a double propeller family helicopter that seats a family of 18, with a TV in the back for the kids. Or the always popular convertible sports copter, with an open roof for the feeling of 200 MPH wind rushing through your hair. Nothing impresses the ladies like a copter landing on them with the top down, blowing sand and trash around their faces.

"We are glad people are returning to the Bell Helicopters brand," continued Fulmer. "For too many years we have seen sales tail off to Japanese manufacturers who offer cheaper prices and hybrid powered copters. When you buy a helicopter for your family or you buy your child their first copter when they turn 16, buy American. Our nuclear payload deployment bays are much more reliable than those from overseas. That's the Bell Promise..."

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:45 am

Writer Fired For Lack Of Anti-BCS Articles

Dave McDougle, a college football writer from CBS Sports was fired earlier this week for a decided lack of anti-BCS articles written over the past few years. Despite what should be the basis of all his articles after week one of the BCS standings being released, the writer had only 3 stories talking about his disdain for the BCS sytem in the last half decade.

The head editor of CBSSports.com was interviewed about the decision to terminate the employee and he expressed no regret over the firing.

"Look, this is what people want to read about," said the editor. "They want to hear about how corrupt the bowl system is, and how they will never change because of the money. They want to read proposals for a college football playoff, and see fake bracket upon fake bracket of what it would look like if a playoff happened today. I mean, he wrote an article about Oregon last week! They aren't even in the top 10 or the SEC! That is completely unacceptable."

McDougle defended his work, saying that he thought his colleagues were doing enough listing of reasons why Texas is getting screwed out of the national title game, and how unfair the system is to undefeated non-BCS conference schools. But apparently that was not the case. He tried to quickly type up a conceptually overused Heisman hopeful list to save face, but the decision to let him go had already come down from the top.

"I hope he's learned his lesson," said the head CBS editor. "Maybe at his next job he will realize that he needs to state the opinion that everyone in the country has, on a weekly basis, despite the fact that everyone is doing the same and the system is likely never to change. That is how you become a college football writer."

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 9:55 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:20 am

Bowl Organizers Banish Notre Dame Out Of U.S.

After barely limping into bowl contention with a 6-6 record, the country has decided that the only place that Notre Dame will be allowed to play in college football's postseason is Hawaii.

"We felt that by giving them an invitation to play here we could keep them as far away as possible from the rest of the country," said head Hawaii Bowl organizer Rich Bradshaw. "We hope that by flying them out here we can isolate the damage that their bad play can cause during the holidays. We have them going up against the equally disappointing Hawaii University, so that should ensure absolutely no one will care about this game. The bowl will take place on Christmas Eve though, so there is the possibility that someone could accidentally flip onto the channel drunk on eggnog, and hence ruin their entire Christmas. But, hopefully that won't happen."

The country has been plagued by Notre Dame's football play all season, as their games are still for some reason televised on NBC.

"For once, I can say that I would rather watch Matlock reruns on a Saturday afternoon than football," said fan Chris Bythewood. "But instead a network is showing this Notre Dame nonsense when they are sitting on perfectly good episodes of America's Funniest Videos. I could be watching fathers getting accidentally hit in the balls in various ways by their kids right now!"

The residents of Hawaii are preparing for the arrival of Notre Dame. Emergency shelters have been opened up for 15 miles around the stadium, to prepare for those who can't ride out the horrible play in their own homes. Residents are boarding up their windows to make sure that no Fighting Irish players can somehow sneak into their houses. Pineapple farmers have been asked to increase their crop yield by 30% in anticipation of the arrival of Charlie Weis. The national guard is even at the ready to make sure that all football playing by Notre Dame is contained to the stadium. They don't want any pickup games taking place in the parking lot that could result in hundreds of innocent bystanders being exposed to their play.

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:29 am

BCS Says No One Worthy Of Playing In Championship

The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:23 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:55 am

BCS Officials Admit: "We Voted For McCain"

BCS officials admitted today that they in fact did not vote for Barack Obama in this month's election due to his stark anti-bowl stance. Indeed, the President elect has been very vocal about introducing a playoff system to college football that would topple the established heirarchy of the Bowl Championship Series.

Obama spent much of the campaign pushing this primary issue over all others, saying a football playoff could help solve the economy, the war in Iraq, and even eradicate poverty. He and McCain went head to head about the issue of college football's postseason in all three debates, both deflecting questions about trivial issues such as healthcare and education to change focus to the only thing that actually affects all Americans.

"When we stepped into the voting booth we wanted to make sure that our voices were heard," said BCS chairman Joe Franklin. "And we cast them for McCain and against Obama's ideals of spreading the wealth of a chance for a national championship. We think it's good to keep the chances for a title to the top 2% of teams, it helps trickle down hope to the rest of the nation. But no, America seems to want a playoff, and now the rest of the world will be subject to his anti-bowl policies for at least 4 years. Once again innocent hard-working people like me, Joe the millionaire BCS chairman, get screwed."

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com