Tag:Barack Obama
Posted on: April 21, 2009 9:57 am

WNBA Champions To Visit President Via Free Tour

The WNBA's Detroit Shock made a very special visit to the White House this week to celebrate their status as the reigning WNBA Champions. Tiger Woods, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and even the Chicago White Sox made visits there as well over the last month to celebrate their recent successes. But while Tiger Woods had an exclusive sit down dinner with President Obama, the Detroit Shock arrived to find their names not on the guest list.

"Detroit Shock...Is that an arena football team?" asked the front desk, as the girls tried to get in to see the President.

They informed them that they were a real team, and even showed the people at the desk pictures of them from last year's finals. But security refused to believe that the people in the pictures were actual women playing basketball instead of female faces photoshopped on NBA players.

The team was then told it could get into the White House with the free tour that is conducted to the public, so they opted to do that. They learned a great deal about the historic furniture that graces the various rooms of the White House, and even got to see the outside of the oval office, where the President may or may not have been at that time. They weren't allowed to know for sure due to security reasons.

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Posted on: January 27, 2009 10:09 am

Obama Approves Plan To Move Detainees To Detroit

(By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb)

As his first official act in office, President Barack Obama announced plans to close the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba. Today, the President's administration announced that it has secured a location to house the hundreds of foreign detainees currently being held at the facility.

In a written statement issued to the press, the President’s Chief of Staff, Rham Emmanuel, revealed that once the facility in Cuba is shut down the US will move the remaining detainees to Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan.

According to Emmanuel, the President and his staff considered many potential sites, but were specifically looking for a location that had plenty of space and was very isolated. “It is our understanding that this facility is used to housing large numbers of outcasts and losers, and further, we believe the city of Detroit to be mostly vacant and uninhabitable at this point.”

According to Emmanuel, the transition to the new detention facility at Ford Field is set to begin sometime in late August, and detainees will be housed in the facility until January or February 2010.

“We were informed by local officials that the stadium is virtually empty during this time of year, and they agreed to allow us to relocate the facility to Detroit on the condition that we would purchase season tickets for each detainee. We felt that this was a win-win for the U.S. Government and the city of Detroit because under the plan, the Lions would have actual fans in their stadium next fall for each home game and the detainees would be forced to choose between the unpleasant experience of watching an entire Lions season or accepting a reduced sentence from the U.S. Attorney. We have also discussed the possibility of switching the detainees’ prison issued uniforms from those bright orange jumpsuits to No. 11 Dante Culpepper jerseys and Lions sweatpants, as they can't actually sell Lions merchandise, but we are waiting to hear back from the UN about weather this violates the Geneva Convention rules against torture of prisoners.”

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Posted on: January 20, 2009 10:00 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:01 am

Sports Figures Honor Inauguration Of Barack Obama

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:
  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.
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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:23 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:55 am

BCS Officials Admit: "We Voted For McCain"

BCS officials admitted today that they in fact did not vote for Barack Obama in this month's election due to his stark anti-bowl stance. Indeed, the President elect has been very vocal about introducing a playoff system to college football that would topple the established heirarchy of the Bowl Championship Series.

Obama spent much of the campaign pushing this primary issue over all others, saying a football playoff could help solve the economy, the war in Iraq, and even eradicate poverty. He and McCain went head to head about the issue of college football's postseason in all three debates, both deflecting questions about trivial issues such as healthcare and education to change focus to the only thing that actually affects all Americans.

"When we stepped into the voting booth we wanted to make sure that our voices were heard," said BCS chairman Joe Franklin. "And we cast them for McCain and against Obama's ideals of spreading the wealth of a chance for a national championship. We think it's good to keep the chances for a title to the top 2% of teams, it helps trickle down hope to the rest of the nation. But no, America seems to want a playoff, and now the rest of the world will be subject to his anti-bowl policies for at least 4 years. Once again innocent hard-working people like me, Joe the millionaire BCS chairman, get screwed."

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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:21 am

Nader Makes Bold Prediction For World Series

As the World Series begins tonight, the presidential candidates are choosing their sides in the matchup. John McCain has picked the Tampa Bay Rays, citing their underdog status as the reason for his choice. Obama has picked the Philadelphia Phillies, for their hardworking attitude and teamwork. But third party presidential candidate Ralph Nader believes we may see an upset no one expects: The Washington Nationals

"I'm not counting out a Washington Nationals World Series this year," said Nader at a rally in Oregon on Tuesday. "Sure they have the worst record in baseball. Sure they aren't even in the series. Sure they have been off work for the last month and are probably not going to get together again until February. But I think this team has a chance to still surprise everyone and take home a national championship!"

"You don't have to pick from the best of two evils," continued Nader. "That is what I love about this country, is that everyone has a shot. Even a team eliminated from contention. Sure, it looks like only these two organizations are still in it. But just when you think one of them is about to catch the last out, the Nationals could storm the field and make that catch instead. What happens then? Who knows. That's why I love America."

Washington Coach Manny Acta said his team is motivated by how few people are picking them to win it all. "We are not getting any respect from the news media, as usual. I think the disrespect given to our chances to win this World Series are just going to drive our guys to push harder to win this thing. All year we've been struggling for respect. When we would not get swept by the Mets in a 4-game series, did we receive the top story on SportsCenter? Of course not, because ESPN is only about pandering to the Tampa and Philadelphia markets. I think we'll surprise everyone at the World Series."

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Posted on: October 14, 2008 9:40 am
Edited on: October 14, 2008 9:49 am

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • JaMarcus Russell will somehow manage to complete 40% of his passes, despite the fact he is playing against the extremely tough Saints defense.
  • The thing that has impressed me the most about the improved Miami Dolphins this season, is just how good their defense performs when the clock is ticking down.
  • Alright PCs, you win! Your commercials are now more annoying and repetitive than Apple's! You can stop now!
  • Packers fans are going to be wishing they still had Brett Favre after watching Aaron Rodgers struggle while Favre carves up another horrible defense.
  • Being the only healthy player left on the entire Eagles roster, Donovan McNabb is going to have a very tough game. While he might throw a few long touchdowns to himself, I don't think he has a very consistent kicking leg.
  • I like the Cardinals on offense and defense, but their special teams aren't very special.
  • Barack Obama is friends with terrorists, he is responsible for the current economic crisis, and he also hates kittens. If you elect him the economy will be destroyed, all your pets will be dead, and terrorists will be coming over for sleepovers at the white house. Do you want a President staying up late playing truth or dare with Osama Bin Laden? Think about it... I'm John McCain, and I approve this message.
  • Those forced to watch the horrid Vikings-Lions game might just have to turn over to hockey so they can actually get some scoring.
  • Matt Cassel is just as good as Tom Brady. I can see this Patriots team running the table...
  • Ha! Some fool actually took Maurice Jones-Drew off my hands! That guy never gets any carries!
  • There's something about John McCain's healthcare plan that he isn't telling you, and that's that he would tax your internet porn to pay for it. That's money you would pay each time you log on to ease the pain of a close loss to a division rival. Money you would pay each time you tell your wife you'll be to bed soon, just as soon as you download the "attachments" Larry from work just sent. Sure, it would balance the budget and provide enough money to fund new schools in every state. But it would drive every man in this country broke. And because of that, we just can't afford John McCain...I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com