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Tag:Buffalo Bills
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: August 16, 2010 7:59 am
 

Lions Fire Coach After Preseason Loss

News came out of Detroit this morning that head coach Jim Schwartz has been fired by the Lions after a blowout preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers over the weekend.

"This is it, season over. We suck again..." said team president Tom Lewand. "If there was one time where we were supposed to be able to be competitive, it was the preseason! But no, we can't even avoid being blown out there! This team has a suspended quarterback, and they still put up 27 points on us!"

All remaining coaches on the Lions staff immediately yelled "Not It!" upon hearing the news, in hopes they would not have to take over the team.

Quarterback Matt Stafford said he was surprised by the firing, but was a little more optimistic on the loss.

"Well, I can't say this loss is totally surprising," added Stafford. "Their second string guys played well into the third quarter. Our whole Lions roster is pretty much third and fourth string guys, so until that final quarter we were really dominated. I don't see us winning the next few games either. But maybe that final one, where most teams rest their starters. Maybe we'll have a chance there..."

Many fans were also very angry at the loss, as the preseason games are the only Lions home games that typically sell out. Since seeing them win at home during the regular season is probably impossible, they have one shot left to see that happen.

"I have asked the Buffalo Bills when they come to visit in a few weeks to please just play their practice squad," said Lewand. "Maybe we can beat 5 guys making the league minimum, if we are able to us our full roster. No guarantees, but hopefully we'll be able to get one meaningless win for our fans this year..."

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Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: October 2, 2008 9:32 am
Edited on: October 2, 2008 9:55 am
 

Henry's Cocaine Not As Delicious, Says Competitor

Travis Henry was arrested today on suspicion of cocaine dealing in a suburb outside of Denver. It is believed he was involved in a multikilogram cocaine transaction outside of a nightclub, but was caught by an undercover officer in the middle of the night. The arrest has surprised many in the area, mainly because more than half the children in Colorado are Travis Henry's. But also because they did not know he was peddling coke. "Well, I'm very disappointed," said longtime Broncos fan Greg Kirkman. "I've been purchasing my cocaine from a shady character downtown for years! I had no idea I could get it from one of my own Broncos! I don't care about the price! I wouldn't trust Henry to watch my kids or be alone with my wife, but I do trust him to know the very best in cocaine..."

But the news is not sitting as pretty with The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse, Denver's largest superstore for illegal drugs, and also chairs. La-Z-Boy, stardust, Ashley Furniture, blow, Kane's, rock, they have all the best brands. "We want to remind everyone that The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse has been your trusted source for all your sitting and smoking needs since 1971," they released in a statement. "Don't be fooled by all the free advertising Travis Henry is trying to stir up by being arrested. When you smoke our coke, you know you are smoking the finest Columbian imports. And it's all backed by the CNCW 100% guarantee. If you aren't 100% high after smoking our cocaine, feel free to try and figure out how a phone works when blitzed out of your skull and call us for a refund. Offer only good while high as balls."

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