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Tag:Chicago Bears
Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:44 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:50 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Cincinnati Bengals and Philadelphia Eagles are just two teams on completely different ends of the spectrum, don't look for this game to be close on the scoreboard at any point during the day.
  • Benjarvis Green-Ellis, you are now a part of my amazing fantasy roster along with Carson Palmer and Laurence Maroney. I know you are going to get about 30 carries per game and get enough points to carry me to a championship.
  • 5 Hour Energy, 5 minutes and 5 dollars spent on the production value of our commercials.
  • Eh, Steelers and Chargers going at it again. This is a matchup we have seen so many times in the past, and with their offenses we will have a score we have seen many times in the past too.
  • With the way the Packers have been playing lately, the Bears can easily just mark this game as a big blowout win on their calendars. Feel free to use permanent marker too, you guys are even getting back the dynamic and amazing Kyle Orton as well!
  • Sorry Buccaneers, but if you want to get consistent wins you're going to have to get someone in at QB who makes fewer errors than Jeff Garcia. That guy is just not an efficient game manager.
  • Is anyone else concerned that over the last several years the nerdy "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy from Verizon has been steadily building up an army with which he confronts people who would dare question the reliability of his network? What happens when and if he decides to turn them on the rest of us? Nerdocalypse. That's what.
  • The Dolphins look pretty good, but they are going to have to work with Chad Pennington because he can't hit the broad side of a barn out there on the field. The box score for last Sunday's game left their star wide receiving Barn with 0 catches once again, something they will need to remedy to win.
  • The Giants won't be much of a match out there for Baltimore due to their bruising run defense. It will be like trying to run against a brick wall.
  • In meetings this week, the Jaguars defensive secondary was focusing on one thing about the Titans, and that's double or triple coverage of wideout Justin Gage. They are going to shut him down hard.
  • If only there really was an airline run by roadies, I would feel very safe being 15,000 feet up in the air with my life in the hands of dirty 40-year-old white guys wearing leather chaps. But hey, at least they are communicating efficiently with their awesome push to talk cellphones. Hopefully they can push to talk an SOS as we plumit to the ground.
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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:46 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
  • Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
  • The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
  • CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this idiot guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a monkey is making noises in the background?" -Tom
    "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
    "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
  • Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
  • I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
  • Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
  • Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
  • When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
  • Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
  • And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:41 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:43 am
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Posted on: September 23, 2008 9:27 am
Edited on: September 23, 2008 9:31 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
  • With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
  • Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
  • If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
  • Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
  • It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
  • Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
  • The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
  • I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
  • I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
  • The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
  • Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!
SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: August 19, 2008 1:36 pm
Edited on: August 19, 2008 1:40 pm
 

Bears Coach Fired For Horrible Preseason Record

Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

SportsComedian.com
 
 
 
 
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