Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:52 am

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Posted on: August 10, 2010 7:54 am

Massive Crash Of NFL Writers Making Camp Tours

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.

It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.



Posted on: July 29, 2010 7:54 am

Justin Bieber Throws First Pitch And Then No-No

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.


Posted on: September 18, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: September 18, 2008 10:13 am

Store Running Out Of Paper Bags Ends In Tragedy

A tragic story came out of Cincinnati over the weekend as it was revealed that the entire section 104 of Paul Brown Stadium suffocated early in their game with the Tennessee Titans. Section 104, widely known around the Cincinnati area for fans who wear paper bags with the word "Bungles" on their heads in response to the team's horrible play. Apparently on Sunday, when season ticket holder Geoff Leblanc went to the local grocery store to pick up the weekly Bugles Bags, they were temporarily out of paper. A stock boy suggested they use plastic instead, and gave Geoff a stack of them to use for the game.

He wrote Bungles on the plastic bags in felt tip marker and handed them out among the section. By the second quarter of the game the Bengals were trailing by 3 touchdowns, and team officials began wondering why they were not being booed more heavily. "We are usually getting booed during the player introductions," said stadium manager Rich Egolf. "So it was very strange that we weren't hearing it from the fans after playing so poorly. We sent an intern over to check on section 104, usually our most vocal section, and he found them there. He then came back to me and told me of the 1000 or so dead people we had on our hands. Now, I will admit that originally I did ask him if he thought he would be able to load them into his car inconspicuously and drop them off outside of the Cleveland Browns stadium, but sadly he drove a VW Beetle, and didn't have the trunk space."

The mass deaths are said to be the largest stadium tragedy since the Miami Dolphins held Dan Marino Commemorative Pistol Night during last year's 1-15 season. In an attempt to smooth over relations with the families of the deceased, Mr. Egolf took the time to speak at each of the fan's funerals. He talked about their love of football, the Bengals, and reminded those in attendance that they now have extra season tickets available for purchase. He reminded them that if their loved ones were alive right now, they would probably be calling 1-800-CINCY-TIX.

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