Tag:Cleveland Browns
Posted on: June 13, 2009 10:06 am
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Vick Now Available To Teams Looking For Downgrade

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: April 9, 2009 10:43 am
Edited on: April 9, 2009 10:44 am
 

Cleveland Browns Have Clinched NHL Playoffs

The Cleveland Browns have been announced as having clinched the final playoff spot in the NHL Eastern Conference playoffs today. It's a bold move and obvious by the league to try and get a team in the NHL playoffs that sports fans would actually care about.

"The Cleveland Browns have a rich and excitable fanbase," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference earlier today. "They want to see their team make the playoffs, and since that doesn't ever seem to happen for them in the NFL, why not let them come and try their hand at our postseason. We showed them a fun highlights video about hockey, and they are looking forward to trying to learn how to play over the course of the next week.

"Look, it was them or the Florida Panthers...I'm the Commissioner of this league, and I wasn't even sure the Panthers were a real franchise until I looked them up on wikipedia."

The Browns themselves were very excited about finally having clinched a playoff berth somewhere. To celebrate, they all met in a Cleveland supermarket and sprayed cheap champagne on themselves in the wine section.

Their fans meanwhile didn't quite know what to make of the announcement.

"Well, I'm glad we finally get to watch our Browns in the postseason," said fan Vic Mangold. "But, these guys can barely play football, I can't imagine they're going to be able to learn a new sport in only a week or two."

The news is very exciting for the franchise, which was also in the running to get a bid from the Arena Football League to appear in their postseason this year. But then they decided there was no way the Cleveland Browns would ever really make even the AFL playoffs, and decided to just shut down the league instead.

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 9:34 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:15 am
 

Al Davis Hires/Fires Former Boston College Coach

First it was the Browns firing of Coach Romeo Crennel, then Rod Marinelli and the Lions parted ways. Shortly thereafter both Eric Mangini and Mike Shanahan were shown the door by their respective teams. And just when you thought the NFL coaching carousel couldn’t spin any faster, along comes the Raiders and Al Davis to spice things up again.

Apparently feeling left out of the hiring and firing news of late, Davis knew he needed to act.

“I was concerned that the Raiders were starting to lose their status as the team most likely to fire a head coach,” said Davis, speaking at his weekly press conference through a self-made paper megaphone. “As President of the Raiders, I am charged with keeping our team at the top of the list of worst places for a head to coach to land, and I hadn’t made a move since I fired that smart-mouth little punk Wade Griffin back on September 30, 1998.” (Here the press conference was briefly interrupted as Davis’ handlers rushed to the podium and reminded him that the smart-mouth little punk he fired was actually named Lane Kiffin and that the year was actually 2008.)

After firing his handlers for correcting him in public, Davis resumed the press conference by stating that contrary to reports by that “professional liar, amateur rodeo clown and noted part-time male escort” Chris Mortensen, the Raiders were not leaning towards hiring current interim coach Tom Cable as a permanent solution to their coaching vacancy. Further, Davis denied any interest in hiring New York Giants OC Kevin Gilbride because, according to Davis “he seemed like a guy who might do well enough to stay here for a while.”

Instead, Davis announced that just before the press conference, the Raiders had reached an agreement to hire former Boston College head coach “Jeb Jagorinski” as the next coach of the Silver and Black. “Jeb came highly recommended to me as someone who understands what its like to work for a boss who will fire you on a moments notice. As a young, smart, successful and ambitious coach, he is the perfect choice to be the next former head coach of the Raiders. I can tell you that I have already met with Coach Jargoreeski this morning in his office, and I didn’t like the way he carried himself. He acted like he owned the place and even had the audacity to put pictures of his own family in there.”

Following his statement, Davis introduced Coach Jagodzinski as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, and then proceeded to fire him “with cause” as he made his way to the podium. Showing signs of emotion, Jagodzinski noted that he was disappointed, but still appreciative of the opportunity to be a head coach in the NFL. He noted his experiences of “the plane ride out to Oakland” and “bumping into Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the hallway” as memories he would take with him of his time with the team. As for the again vacant head coach position in Oakland, the search continues.

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:11 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:14 am
 

Dolphins Fail To Prepare For Aflac Trivia Questio

The Miami Dolphins came away with a crushing first round loss to the Baltimore Ravens yesterday, with 5 turnovers and a horrid offensive showing to bounce themselves out of their first playoff appearance in 7 seasons. Coach Tony Sparano was asked at the post-game press conference which area he felt most could have used better preparation before the game.

"I don't like to talk about that really, because it just gets me so angry about how badly prepped we were," said Sparano. "Sure, we looked like lost sheep out there on defense, and sure we completed more passes to Ed Reed than our own receivers. But the thing that hurts most was that none of our players could correctly answer the AFLAC Trivia Question at halftime! Not a single one!

"We prepared all week for this thing! We studied Dolphins history, Ravens history, first round playoff trivia, recent hall of fame inductees, questions about the surrounding Miami area! But then they ask something about what the record was of the 1974 Cleveland Browns?! How were we supposed to remember they changed to the Ravens! This question hit us like a Mack truck today, and we were just completely unready for it."

During halftime players and coaches were gathered around the TV waiting for the familiar duck voicing AFLAC, instead of preparing for the following half. The Dolphins players were caught totally off-guard by the Browns trivia. Some attempted to phone a friend, others tried to look up the answer on the iPhones, but in the end there just wasn't enough time for them to get onto Wikipedia and check. They came back to the field for the second half dejected and beaten down, and their play never recovered.

"We're gonna be ready for this situation next year," said Sparano. "We didn't work all year just to let that damn duck beat us when it counts. We're bringing a full football almanac next year, and maybe that Stump The Schwab from ESPN. We'll be back, mark my words, you feathered piece of shit."

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Posted on: December 30, 2008 10:30 am
Edited on: December 30, 2008 10:32 am
 

Cowher Told Hilarious Joke By Cleveland Owner

Bill Cowher appeared on a CBS Sports playoff special today to report on a hilarious joke he had been told by Cleveland Browns owner Randolph Lerner. Cowher, who formerly coached the Steelers for 15 years, was chatting with the other studio anchors about the firing of Romeo Crennel and said that despite the bad season Lerner was surprisingly in a chipper mood.

"He called me on the phone today, actually," said Cowher to the other analysts. "He didn't seem all that upset about what had happened, and even proceeded to immediately tell me a great joke. He said, do you want to coach my team next year? He didn't even laugh as he said the words! As if anyone would want to do that! I told him he was one silly son of a bitch, and started laughing hysterically. He hung up somewhere in the 3rd straight minute of laughter, he must have not been able to contain his own giggles or something. That guy is such a prankster."

Indeed, reports from all around the league indicate prank calls from Lerner to many big NFL coaching candidates. He apparently has called Dick LeBeau, Mike Martz, and even Bill Parcells and told them the side-splitter, only to hang up on them when they burst out into laughter.

The joke has become incredibly popular, with school children asking each other in the schoolyard if they want to be the coach of the Cleveland Browns. Producers from The Daily Show have reportedly offered a head writing position to Lerner, after hearing this incredibly funny question.

"We had no idea an NFL business man could be this funny!" said Daily Show host Jon Stewart. "We had heard some zingers from previous year such as 'Do you want to sign a free agent contract with us?' or 'I can honestly see us winning the division next year'. But this new joke really takes the cake. There has never been a more absurd question than if someone would actually want to coach this team."

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:19 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Patriots might have had a chance to beat the Dolphins this Sunday, but that was before they had to rely on Matt Cassel to throw the ball. They will be lucky if they can get 100 yards through the air.
  • To be Donovan McNabb must be great, you have a completely secure job as the franchise QB, everybody in Philadelphia loves you, and you don't have to spend time reading or knowing any of the NFL rulebook.
  • People in Cleveland have started to talk bad about Brady Quinn's play recently after a very good showing in his first NFL game, don't be surprised if Derek Anderson has to come on the field for a bit and remind their fans what bad quarterback play really looks like.
  • Apparently when you are a giant anthropomorphic Whopper from Burger King, you still somehow manage to get a really hot human wife. I don't know how that love making works, but there is a strangely rare lack of results when I type "burger porn" into a search engine. Someone needs to get to work on that type of website immediately, this is an untapped gold mine. Prospective names you can use: "Hold The Pickles", "Mayonaisse On The Side", "I'll Take It Medium Rare".
  • Shaun Alexander is returning to face Seattle for the first time since being cut. So far this season he has a stunning 24 total yards in five games. If only they hadn't cut such an integral part of the offense, they might not be 2-8. Look for him to rub it in their faces by running for 5 yards, and showing them what they are missing out on.
  • Say goodbye to your nice run Jets fans, it's time to face a team that can really put up some points, and all you've got to answer them with is that Favre guy.
  • I just realized that Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio's name in Spanish means Jack Of The River! That would be an awesome syndicated action-adventure series. His co-stars can be all these players from the Jags who obviously don't have much talent in football playing. Maybe they would be better actors instead.
  • Bud Light, the difference is drinkability. Remember when you tried to drink other liquids like Listerine, conola oil, a glass of urine, or that crazy water stuff and you threw it up everywhere? Well, you should have been drinking Bud Light, it is the one drinkable liquid. Every other beer you have to chew apparently.
  • If only the Lions were able to get a nice lead on a team, I'm sure they would be able to hold onto it...
  • T.O. is just not the same receiver he used to be, I remember when he would get 200 yard games like it was nothing. Now he is struggling just to make a first down. That will be bad for Dallas' chances this week.
  • I think the Colts not having a clutch kicker is going to haunt them at some point this season. Adam Vinatieri? I don't know who this scrub is, but they need to pick someone up before they need to kick a long one to win a game.
  • Ah! Hurry everyone, abondon this Cardinals bandwagon we are all floating on! We appear to have hit an iceberg called the New York Giants! We are sinking back into the pack of mediocre NFC teams! See if some of us can get a ride on the U.S.S. Falcons for a few weeks!

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