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Tag:Cleveland Cavaliers
Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:29 am
 

Entire City Of Cleveland To Leave Ohio For Miami

"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 9, 2010 7:40 am
 

Knicks Dumping Cap Space For LeBron in 2016

The New York Knicks have decided it's not too early to start preparing once again to make a run at LeBron James. Team president Donnie Walsh announced immediately after "The Decision" was made that they had cut new signee Amar'e Stoudamire in an effort to make cap space available for LeBron James in 2016.

The team has long been speculated to have dumped salary and good players over the last 5 years to be able to land LeBron this summer, but he seemed largely uninterested in their advances. Now they are getting ready to do it all over again.

"We will not stop until he is where he belongs in New York," said Walsh. "We will take a 33 year old LeBron on this team, we don't care if his skills are diminished to nothingness. And if we don't get him in 2016, we'll wait six more years and try for 39 year old LeBron. I have already cleared as much cap as possible so that he will have a place on this team by then."

Indeed, the Knicks have cut all their players effective immediately, so they can slowly burn off whatever cap hits they might take. They will be forced to forfeit all games for the next six years, but they and their fans think it's worth it.

"Knowing this team, we'll probably win as many games forfeiting every one, as we would have playing them," said Knicks fan Spike Lee.

But they're not the only team getting ready to pursue LeBron James again. The Los Angeles Clippers, after largely being an afterthought in the James Lottery, have said they will take a shot at 54 year old LeBron in the year 2038.

"We know by then no one else will want him and we will finally have a real shot at this great player," said the Clippers team president. "There were some great babies born this year that are going to be a part of the 2038 Clippers team, and we are going to be ready with the cap space to pair them with you LeBron. We are going to beat everyone else to the punch by getting started right now on wooing him. We've already scheduled reservations at a very fancy L.A. steakhouse that hasn't even opened yet."

LeBron James has already announced a 3 hour special for the year 2038 where he will announce his decision on ESPN 5D.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 8, 2010 7:59 am
 

Confused Old Racist Hoping To Win A LeBron At 9PM

Mary Watkins of Billings, Montana told the local paper today that she is hopeful she will win tonight's LeBron James lottery.

"I am told he'll make his decision tonight on who he'll be signing with, and it could be anybody" said Mrs. Watkins in a phone interview. "I don't know anything about him or basketball, but I've always wanted to own a black man, and everyone seems to think this LeBron James is the best one of those. I can't wait! I can't believe he's just going to sign with anybody live on national TV! This is so exciting!"

Mary, is a well known racist in Billings, who has tried repeatedly to order a black person from shopping website Amazon.com, only to have two accounts closed by their customer service department. She also is the only member of the town's White History Month committee, responsible for creating events that celebrate the struggles of the caucasian people.

When asked why she should be favored over the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, or New York Knicks for LeBron, she cited her delicious lemonade recipe she promises to make for him every day if he completes his farm work. She also said that he wouldn't have to work with so many scary black people at her house, like he would on an NBA team.

When LeBron was asked for comment on Mrs. Watkins hope to purchase him into slavery he said "Who knows where I'm going to sign! It could be with this whacked out white lady! You'll have to tune in tonight at 9PM, only on ESPN, to find out!"

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 2, 2010 8:00 am
 

GM Unhappy W/ What Wife Brought Home From Market

New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh waited patiently at the house as his wife came back from the first day of the open free agent market. When she arrived with the groceries, he followed her into the kitchen to see what she brought home.

Donnie - "Hi honey, what did you pick up today at the market?"

Wife - "Well, I got you some of your favorites here, I got you a Chris Bosh and a Joe Johnson!"

Donnie - "A Joe Johnson! Honey you shouldn't have!"

He rushes over to see what else is in the bag and begins pulling out his new players. But then he sees something and looks surprised.

Donnie - "Whoa, what in the hell is this? A Richard Jefferson?! Why would you buy one of these?"

Wife - "Look, we have a little extra cap room this year, I didn't think it would hurt. And as we were checking out Little Billy saw him sitting there and really wanted one...You know how he can be. I just threw it in the basket!"

Donnie - "Damn it woman, Gregg Popovich has been telling everyone at the office how these Richard Jeffersons are pieces of junk! Very unreliable, always breaking down...and now we have one! I hope you got the extended warranty!"

Wife - "I...I...didn't..."

Donnie - "Oh my god, I need a Carlos Boozer...I hope you at least got a six pack of that..."

Wife - "Oh, the Carlos Boozer...I knew I forgot something!"

Donnie - "What? You know I like to relax after a long day at the office with an ice cold Carlos Boozer! Well did they have any of what I sent you there for? Did they have any LeBron James?"

Wife - "No...they were sold out."

Donnie - "Sold out! I told you to pre-order that thing on launch day! First the iPhone 4, now this! All the other GM's are going to laugh at me!"

Wife - "I was told they might have more stock of LeBron Jameses in 6 years or so..."

Donnie - "I don't want a LeBron James in 6 years, I want one now! He's going to be all old and washed up in 6 years! This is the last time I send you to the free agent market alone...but at least we have a little cap room left."

Wife - "About that..."

Donnie - "What else did you buy? Another purse? A new pair of shoes?!"

Wife - "I got a...Shaq..."

She pulls Shaq out of the paper bag, and he waves at Donnie Walsh. 

Donnie - "A Shaq?!?!?! No one wants him! What am I going to do with him?!"

Wife - "Well...he's not for you or the Knicks...he's for me..."

Shaq - "I'm gonna show her the Shaqtus."

Shaq takes her by the hand and leads her out of the kitchen, while Donnie stands there, mouth agape.

SportsComedian.com 

Posted on: July 1, 2010 8:00 am
 

Milwaukee Bucks Secretly Sign All Free Agents

The NBA talk shows and websites have been abuzz the past several months with where exactly LeBron James will end up next season. That buzz has only intensified over the course of the last several weeks, as we come down to the wire on a time when he will have to make his decision. But one team has quietly used all that publicity to make a big move that will surely shake up the NBA next year.

The Milwaukee Bucks announced today that while every other team is bickering and fighting over LeBron James, they have secretly signed all 42 other NBA free agents. The move doesn't ensure they will have the best team next year, but certainly the largest.

"We have won the free agency game," said GM John Hammond in a press conference today. "Paul Pierce? Got him. Dirk Nowitzki? He's ours. Chris Bosh? He's one of our 11 centers we now have on this roster. Everyone was out there trying to lure in LeBron, and we snuck in and got everyone else! The power is ours!"

He then let out a loud prolonged supervillain laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The move puts the Bucks at well over the roster limit with 51 active players on their roster, and offering everyone lucrative enough contracts to come immediately means their payroll is at around $500 million dollars. But Hammond isn't worried, saying he is just happy they won free agency, and he's sure they can figure out all the numbers later.

It was unknown how Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh would work together on the Miami Heat if they were to end up there, but it's even more unknown how the 2 dozen superstars on the Bucks will be able to co-exist. It's predicted each player will only see about 4-6 minutes per game, even if they are a starter.

"One thing's for sure, we're gonna have a great bench," said Hammond. "Well, I guess I should say benches, or on second thought I'll probably need to buy us some bleachers for the sideline."

One lucky fan was even able to capitalize on the Bucks willingness to sign any free agent. Nick Davies, an Apple Store employee from Milwaukee is now a member of the roster after a little deception. "So I was just walking by their offices at the arena, and I saw a sign saying "Welcome Free Agents". I went in, put my name down, and sure enough I'm now making $3 million dollars next year to play Power Forward! I'm only 5 foot 4! I love it!"

The NBA is still reviewing the legitimacy of the 42 free agent pickups.

SportsComedian.com 

Posted on: June 30, 2010 7:53 am
 

Cleveland Mayor: ďLetís Call City Jamesville"

 He is a man with a vision, and that vision has absolutely nothing to do with NBA free agency.  This according to Cleveland’s mayor Frank G. Jackson, who at his weekly press conference claimed that his idea to officially change the name of his city to “Jamesville” and the fact the city’s brightest star is considering a move to a bigger stage this summer are in no way related.  

“I ran on the platform of change,” said Jackson, “and what better way to bring about that change than to just change your name?  Do you realize we’ve been calling ourselves Cleveland since 1796?!?!  To me that says something. . .this is 2010, and a lot has changed.  People expect something new.”  Jackson brushed aside the suggestion that the proposal would be viewed as a last-ditch, desperate plea to get LeBron James to re-sign with the Cavs.  “This has absolutely nothing to do with LeBron James resigning with the Cleveland…excuse me, with the Jamesville Cavaliers,” said Jackson.  “Sure, we want Mr. James to resign and yes, our city’s very survival may depend on it; but there is more to this city than LeBron James.  We have the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, we have a beautiful riverfront somewhere, and I’m fairly sure we have a zoo here too because I remember seeing elephants.” 
When the mayor was reminded that the city is also home to the Indians and the Browns, Jackson and the entire room erupted in spontaneous laughter after which he simply responded, “let’s be serious.”
Jackson went on to explain that he settled on the name Jamesville earlier this year after reading a book about the Founding Fathers of the United States.  When asked on which particular Founding Father Jackson had based the name Jamesville, he paused before replying “I think a lot of them were named James.”  Jackson then vigorously defended his decision to repeal all property taxes for any person making over $15 million annually and living in LeBron James’ house as something that “had been in the works for years,” and stated that the new King James Basketball Center being built in the heart of downtown was not in honor of LeBron, but instead in memory of “the guy who translated the Bible.”
Following the press conference, it was rumored that Chicago’s mayor announced a plan to change the name of Six Flags Great America to LBJ’s Superstar Basketball Funland.  The mayor’s office could not be reached for comment, but we can only assume the change is related to the 36th president of the U.S. and not to LeBron James.SportsComedian.com 
Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
Edited on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
 

NHL Offers To End Debate, Let LeBron Be TheirBest

The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity. Commissioner Gary Bettman said that all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league. He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the who's the best debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: June 6, 2009 12:29 pm
 

LeBron To Play Next Year With Cavs In Knicks Uni

The Cleveland Cavaliers have unveiled some uniform changes for next season after being knocked out of the playoffs by the Orlando Magic. Starting next year, LeBron James will wear a special uniform for all games, that happens to look exactly like that of the New York Knicks.

"The Knicks and Nike have asked that they be allowed to start marketing him in Knicks gear a year early," said GM Danny Ferry. "In exchange for a nice sum of money, coupled with the fact we all know this move is inevitable, we have allowed this to happen.

"We are a bit concerned about confusion when we actually play the Knicks in a game, but the NBA says they will put extra referees on the court to make sure baskets are attributed to the proper team. League officials have been very helpful in this uniform change, and they told us whatever they needed to do to get LeBron into a major market, they would make happen."

James himself says he is looking at next year as a good tryout of the blue and orange.

"This will be a great way to see if just putting on that uniform will make me as bad as the rest of that franchise has been for the last decade," said James when asked about the new uni. "Plus I don't have to wear that awful red thing anymore, I get royalties from all new jersey sales, and I can stand out better so that my teammates can feed me the ball for 30-40 shots per game. This way, I don't see a reason why I can't take every shot our team attempts next year. It's going to be great, I just love New Yo...I mean Cleveland. It's a great city."

SportsComedian.com
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