The NCAA announced today that the North Carlina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that they somehow had 8-5 records the past two seasons. The discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books for last season to decide early season schedules, and sure enough next to North Carolina it said 8-5.
The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.
"Obviously there has been some cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"
Some theories thrown about as to how they got winning records range from normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those pens from the Men In Black movies.
"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."
Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believe games could be forfeited until their record looks more like the 3-4 wins everyone thinks North Carolina should have. USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given to them, should they be taken away from NC.