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Tag:Comedian
Posted on: August 16, 2010 8:12 am
 

Doctor Cuts Off Favre's Hand To Force Retirement

Perhaps the biggest question in the NFL this month is whether or not Brett Favre will return to quarterback the Minnesota Vikings in the upcoming season.

Sports fans across the country have spent the last month being frustrated to death by the constant Favre coverage and have tried everything to get him out of their heads.

Thankfully, the decision has finally been made for Favre as during his meeting with Dr. James Andrews, Favre’s right hand was apparently cut off in some kind of medical accident. The loss of his throwing hand has forced Favre to announce his retirement and he is still trying to figure out how it happened.

“I honestly don’t know how it happened. I don’t actually remember anything from the appointment, just that I woke up in the waiting room with one hand chopped off,” Favre said about the incident.

Favre set up the consultation because his ankle wasn’t healing from the surgery like he anticipated. He used that as the excuse as to why he hadn’t made up his mind yet. However, things were settled for him immediately when he no longer had his throwing hand.

While Favre might not have a clue as to what happened in the consultation, Dr. Andrews was very clear on what happened.

“It wasn’t an accident...I cut it off and couldn’t be more proud. When he came into my office and I looked at his ankle, it was fine. The guy had been faking it so he could pretend he had legitimate reason for not being in camp,” Dr. Andrews said. “He is truly a sociopath. When I saw my opportunity, I put him under and made sure he couldn’t throw a pass ever again.”

It is unclear if Dr. Andrews will be charged with anything for the blatant assault. Regardless, President Obama has come forward and said that he will pardon whatever crimes Andrews is charged with.

“Dr. Andrews has done a great thing for America. Favre has been a pest for everyone and by ending his reign, Andrews has given us an extra 20 minutes for Sports Center to cover real topics,” President Obama proclaimed. “The man is a hero for us all and I will be awarding him the Medal of Honor for his courage.”

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Posted on: August 11, 2010 7:48 am
 

Raiders Fans Holding Out From Training Camp

The Oakland Raiders still could not come to an agreement with their fans today to get them to return this season. This marks week 2 of the holdout by all Raiders fans, who are demanding a new contract that guarantees the team will at least be competitive for at least a month into the season. The fans have said, if an agreement can't be reached, they want to be traded before the season begins to a competitor like the Colts.

"We want assurances that this team will reward us for our efforts," said a representative of the fans. "For years we have come out to games, dressed in ridiculous leather outfits with crazy helmets and spikes. We give 110% out there, and are rewarded with crap like Daunte Culpepper as our best QB of the last 8 years? Unacceptable! We are great fans, and deserve better than these Raiders!"

Team officials said they are trying to come to an agreement with their fanbase, and really wants them to attend training camp.

"Just come and see the exciting pieces we've got over the offseason," said owner Al Davis. "We finally got rid of that JaMarcus Russell, and we got that quarterback who wasn't very good in Washington. Just imagine what he can do in a Raiders uniform! Let me just read you some names; MichaelBush, Zach Miller, Justin Fargas...If you've never heard of these guys, don't worry, neither have I. But apparently, they were our best offensive players last year. So get excited!"

It's believed the two sides are still far apart on the negotiating points, with the fans once again pointing to the Colts fans as an example.

"Those Colts fans don't know how good they have it!" said the fan's Rep. "They get to sit indoors, they don't even dress up as anything, and they get to go to the AFC title game every year?! Ridiculous! What would they dress up as anyway? A horse? We want a deal like that, and if Oakland can't give it to us, we'll take our fan services on the open market. I'm sure a team like the Jaguars would love to have even a few people coming to their stadium!"

As negotiations continue, the mood remains tense in Oakland. Both sides plan to meet again later this week.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 6, 2010 7:38 am
 

Penn State Announces Zombie JoePa Will Coach Team

As Joe Paterno enters his 45th season as the head coach of the football program at Penn State, some have begun to question how much longer the 83 year old can continue to lead a major program. It was believed that his current contract, set to expire after next season, would finally be the end of his storied career. No one wants to see such a historic sports figure die in office.

But officials from Penn State announced today that it doesn't necessarily have to be end, should he die while still the head coach.

"We have an exciting announcement from our college of Medical Sciences & Dark Arts today," said enthusiastic school president Graham Spanier. "We believe we now have the technology to be able to bring JoePa back as an undead zombie, should he die soon."

"We've always been honored to have him on our sidelines, and in all honesty with how little he seems involved right now, zombie JoePa will probably be about the same as the living version. As long as his flesh doesn't decay so much that it starts scaring off recruits, this opens him up to coach us for... another 200 years or so. But who knows, kids might think its cool to play for an undead monster anyway..."

Doctor-Shamans from the Medical Sciences & Dark Arts college say they have a formula ready to inject into Paterno should he die at any time during the next two seasons. Within a few hours of injection, his body will be ready to rise up from the dead to both eat brains and coach hard hitting Big Ten football.

While it could be dangerous to have a blood crazed zombie on the sidelines of a 100,000 seat stadium, President Spanier says it's probably not as dangerous as letting an 83-year-old man drive his own car around the campus every day.

"It'll be great," continued Spanier. "He'll be part coach, part cool zombie mascot, and part science experiment that students from our evil mad doctor program can study. There's one thing you all won't have to worry now, and that's whether or not JoePa will be back. He's going to be here for at least another century! Goooooo Nittany Lions!"

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 5, 2010 7:53 am
 

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relgating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 3, 2010 7:52 am
 

Albert Haynesworth Says He Did Not Eat Shanahan

Albert Haynesworth announced today that he has finally passed the Washington Redskins conditioning test that has held him back from beginning training camp with his team. It was reported over the past two days that Haynesworth was not able to run consecutive 100 yard sprints, and Redskins head coach Mike Shanahan was very displeased.

But the third time appears to be the charm for the pro bowl defensive lineman, as he announced in a press conference he had been passed on the test shortly before dinner time last night. This happened even though he seems to have gained somewhere in the vicinity of 170 pounds in the past 24 hours. But Haynesworth says despite the weight gain he was able to impress the coach into letting him join the rest of the team.

But shortly after this supposed testing and passing grade, Mike Shanahan was pronounced missing by the Washington D.C. police department. He was last seen heading into the dining hall with Haynesworth, presumably about to administer the test.

"I do not know where Coach Shanahan went to," said Haynesworth. "Last thing I knew we were in the dining hall, and he was yelling at me about failing the test, saying he would bet there's nothing I couldn't eat. I told him not to make that bet. More yelling, then I blacked out for a little while. When I woke I was really full and I remembered him telling me I had passed all the tests."

Police interviewed Haynesworth about the disappearance, and a doctor examined him due to a strange 60-year-old man shaped growth that has formed in his belly. But neither was conclusive.

"I just want to say to Mike's family, that they should be proud of him. He was a...delicious man, who taught me that I should really get into shape, because if you don't, you are going to not taste very good should a hypothetical giant eat you later in life. I want to live up to my full potential for any cannibal that may choose to ingest me."

Haynesworth then excused himself, and said he really had to poop.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: August 2, 2010 7:45 am
 

Discovery Channel Kicks Off San Jose Sharks Week

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

The show has garnered a lot of controversy with human rights groups, but the open hunting laws on San Jose Sharks players have stayed in place. The city claims that having it legal to catch and kill their hockey players is good for tourism, and doesn't really affect anyone outside of the players, as these people play in the NHL, so it's not like anyone knows who they are. They are also mostly Canadians. Besides, kids and families enjoy posing with the strung up dead bodies of Sharks players in the town square.

Other programs to be shown during this year's Shark Week include the specials:

  • Feeding Time- Documenting the double decker tourist buses that carry tourists around San Jose and throw raw fish and chum over the side to Sharks players who circle around the bus.
  • Ultimate Shark Jump- Happy Days star Henry Winkler attempts to jump over a San Jose Sharks practice ice rink on water skis, with the dangerous players circling below.
  • How To Survive A Shark Attack- Experts tell how to stay safe should you be attacked by a Sharks player who may mistake you for his usual prey of seal.

Critics of Shark Week continue to ask why such an unpopular sport and franchise was chosen as the subject for a weeklong celebration. Discovery claims that they just beat out more popular teams such as the New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Steelers. They say that the week is so popular, they can't change it to someone else now. Also, things such as hunting men and throwing raw fish around onto the streets are probably not allowed in a real city like New York.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 30, 2010 7:40 am
 

St. Louis Rams Sign Wrong Kind Of Pro Bowler

The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.

"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."

Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.

The Rams wouldn't officially comment on the signing, but in an email recovered by an AP reporter, more was revealed.

From: Rams GM Billy Devaney
To: Coach Steve Spagnuolo

Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Damn it! Shit!

So, you know when you told me after we blew getting Terrell Owens, you just wanted me to sign any former Pro Bowler? Well, as you may have noticed from the team I gave you to work with last year, I kind of don't know what the hell I'm doing in this job.

So, I went onto Monster.com and typed in "Former Pro Bowler", and the first thing that popped up was this guy, Gary Stiltson. So, I may have immediately blown 1/6 of our payroll on him...Maybe...I can't quite figure out how the salary cap or payroll system work.

And then yesterday, I snuck into the GM office of the New England Patriots, to see how real GMing works, and I heard them say I apparently hired a guy who used to play on the PBA Tour. Oops! 

Who knew he wasn't the kind of pro bowler we're looking for?! His page on there so seemed like a football player! It said can't use computers, favorite movie is Field Of Dreams, and he only has a high school degree. That could only be a football great!

Well look, he's coming up here to training camp next week. Try not to kill him in the workouts, or we'll probably have a lawsuit on our hands. He's 54, so don't feel awkward coaching someone who is older than you. He's also going to bring something called a "Turkey Machine", and he said to have all our turkeys ready for it.

We do have turkeys, right? If not, I better get some, that seems like something a GM should always have available for the team...

-The B Man

PS, I'm not sure what your email address is Steve. I thought it was stevespagnuolo@rams.com, but I don't see that in my addressbook, so I'm just going to click this one that says sendtoallmediaoutlets@associatedpress.com. You must have changed it to this...

Steve Spagnuolo couldn't be reached for comment about his new player, but Stiltson said he is very happy to report to a real NFL training camp. He can't wait to tell the guys back at the bowling alley.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:44 am
 

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com