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Tag:Detroit Lions
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: August 25, 2010 7:48 am
 

Coors Light Train Derails, Kills 58 Fans At Game

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

The train jerked upward as it derailed and went careening into innocent bystanders, who were just hoping to catch a few pieces of magic snow. People screamed as limbs and blood flew everywhere. Those who could get out of the way immediately ran for the exists. Emergency workers quickly rushed to the scene to help those trapped below the giant beer train.

"We are still trying to assess all the damage, but it's pretty bad in there," said one firefighter outside the stadium. "I've never seen anything like this. A magic beer train just coming off its invisible rails and injuring the very people it came to cool off and get drunk.

"I hope Congress looks at magic beer train regulations, because I for one have been saying their regulations are way too lax. These things can just appear anywhere, any time the Love Train song plays. Do they even card when making beers mystically appear in everyone's hands? I know there are kids in this stadium somewhere."

It's unknown at the time of this report exactly what led to the crash. The driver, a longtime Coors employee, is being questioned for whether or not he was drinking at the time of the wreck. He apparently yelled "tap the Rockies mothereffers!" out the window right before it all went bad.

"Well, I am driving a magic beer train, you kind of can't be sober," said the conductor.

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Posted on: August 16, 2010 7:59 am
 

Lions Fire Coach After Preseason Loss

News came out of Detroit this morning that head coach Jim Schwartz has been fired by the Lions after a blowout preseason loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers over the weekend.

"This is it, season over. We suck again..." said team president Tom Lewand. "If there was one time where we were supposed to be able to be competitive, it was the preseason! But no, we can't even avoid being blown out there! This team has a suspended quarterback, and they still put up 27 points on us!"

All remaining coaches on the Lions staff immediately yelled "Not It!" upon hearing the news, in hopes they would not have to take over the team.

Quarterback Matt Stafford said he was surprised by the firing, but was a little more optimistic on the loss.

"Well, I can't say this loss is totally surprising," added Stafford. "Their second string guys played well into the third quarter. Our whole Lions roster is pretty much third and fourth string guys, so until that final quarter we were really dominated. I don't see us winning the next few games either. But maybe that final one, where most teams rest their starters. Maybe we'll have a chance there..."

Many fans were also very angry at the loss, as the preseason games are the only Lions home games that typically sell out. Since seeing them win at home during the regular season is probably impossible, they have one shot left to see that happen.

"I have asked the Buffalo Bills when they come to visit in a few weeks to please just play their practice squad," said Lewand. "Maybe we can beat 5 guys making the league minimum, if we are able to us our full roster. No guarantees, but hopefully we'll be able to get one meaningless win for our fans this year..."

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Posted on: June 20, 2009 10:00 am
 

Magician To Try Surviving Whole Year As Lions Fan

David Blaine, the street magician who is famous for his longterm stunts, such as being submerged in water for 30 days or hung above New York for weeks on end, has announced he will begin a new stunt this September. This might be his most treacherous feat yet, and one doctors have advised him not to attempt.

He will try to survive an entire season as a Detroit Lions fan. He has been preparing his body for the constant losing over the summer by watching Washington Nationals games, but nothing can truly prepare you for the horror of watching the real thing. He has bought a Matthew Stafford jersey, and even set the Lions to his favorite team on his Facebook. He will attempt to stay interested in them for the whole year, despite however bad things may get in the standings.

Doctors warn that being a Lions fan is extremely dangerous, and unhealthy for his psyche. They caution that too much exposure to such an awful franchise could result in permanent damage. But the stuntman is unwavering in his dedication to this new plan. Tune in this Fall to see if he can survive the ordeal.

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Posted on: June 6, 2009 11:56 am
 

Detroit Lions Try To Send Culpepper To Minors

The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall number one pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: April 21, 2009 10:23 am
 

Lions New Logo Looks Suspiciously Like Patriots

After the first 0-16 season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions are looking for any way they can turn around the direction of their franchise. They hope to have made a big change with the unveiling today of a new logo, uniforms, and franchise quarterback.

The Lions held a press conference in Detroit to show off their new duds and team identity to the public for the first time. Their logo is now not that of a leaping blue lion, as it has been in the past, but that of a stylized American patriot looking forward while his colonial hat tails off behind him. They also showed off new uniforms that were silver, blue, and red, and looked suspiciously like those of the New England Patriots.

The press immediately began asking why their uniforms looked exactly like those of the team from Foxboro and what the man in the colonial hat had to do with lions.

"This is Liontamer Pat," said Detroit GM Martin Mayhew. "As everybody knows, liontamers are one of the oldest professions, dating back to the 1700's in American circuses. Hopefully people are excited about this new look for us, and we know it looks a lot like some other uniforms you have seen in the past. But that other team seemed mighty successful, so we are just going to try these out and see if we can have a little of that success too."

Mayhew then announced the signing of an undrafted free agent named Bom Trady to be their new franchise quarterback. Trady came out from behind a curtain to a cautious applause from the press, who quickly began trying to research on their laptops anything they could on this enigmatic young man. They found no record of his play in either high school or college, but Mayhew assured them that he was an exciting player who could throw the football like the best in the business.

Trady's height and weight are surprisingly the exact same as that of last year's starter Jon Kitna, but the team hopes he will have more success than that signal caller. Bom also strangely wears a Tom Brady halloween mask, but Mayhew assured the media that is was only due to the fact that he suffered horrific burns to his face as a kid. Jon Kitna was unavailable for comment at the time of the article, apparently he has been missing ever since the signing of the new QB.

The new Lions jerseys are now on sale in the NFL Shop, with a lot of confused fans trying to make sure they don't accidentally buy one when trying to get one they will not get made fun of for wearing, that of the New England Patriots.

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Posted on: March 6, 2009 9:18 am
 

Stafford Moving Back Home After Lions Workout

The Detroit Lions held a private workout yesterday with probably number one draft pick Matthew Stafford at their private practice facility in northern Michigan. They were said to be very impressed by the athleticism of the player out of Georgia, and were going to start negotiations immediately with his agent. But, after realizing he was probably going to be taken by the Lions, or at best the Rams, Stafford is said to now be considering taking a few years off before finding a job.

"Hey man," said Stafford in an interview. "I'm just not sure what I want to do with my life yet. I just graduated college, that doesn't mean I have to go out and get a job right away. Sure, it's a decent offer. $25 million a year, never have to worry about money again, blah, blah, blah. But the Lions? I don't know about that."

"My parents have made an intriguing counter offer of a futon in their basement, pizza a couple times a week, and the ability to borrow dad's car on the weekends. I am considering it with my agent as we speak."

"But," he continued. "I really think I just need to move back home for a little bit. There are so many busts in the NFL, I don't know if I want to be just another name on the list with Ryan Leaf. Maybe I'll get a part-time position at a coffee house, try to get people to listen to my self-made emo music on MySpace, and argue with my folks constantly about how I'm doing nothing with my life. That sounds like a much more interesting future than a career with the Lions."

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com