Tag:Dwight Howard
Posted on: June 16, 2009 1:19 pm
 

Kobe Proves He Can Win Title Without Rick Fox

Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous 3 NBA titles, many critics believed that Kobe would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back to back to back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Rick's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor."

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Posted on: June 9, 2009 10:58 am
 

League To Start Boston Celtics In Place Of Magic

After a poor showing in their first game, and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for game three in favor of the Boston Celtics. Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference semi-finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

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Posted on: June 6, 2009 12:12 pm
 

Young Marionete Accuses Kobe Puppet Of Infidelity

A new feature in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say that she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year. The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that at times Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of LeBron James could not be reached for comment. He did however put out a press release through his publicist saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this. He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to, in order to make this go away.

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Posted on: May 12, 2009 9:53 am
 

Celtics Score 21 Points During Halftime For Win

The Boston Celtics found themselves trailing by 18 points at the half of their most recent game against the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. But not to let the Magic claim a 3-1 lead in the series, the Celtics stayed on the court during halftime as Orlando headed to the locker room.

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a 3 point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:50 am
Edited on: January 22, 2009 9:51 am
 

Team USA Fans Angry Their Superstars Not Loyal

In this day and age, franchise loyalty is often considered a thing of the past. But nowhere is that more apparent than with Team USA, the gold medal winning franchise, whose player exodus in the offseason saw every one of their stars go to new teams. Residents of the United States felt betrayed by the play for money by their free agents.

"It just doesn't feel right," said Wilbur Reynolds. "We win a championship with this great nucleus of players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and then they all up and leave for the big dollars. We were just getting to know these kids and watch them gel into something great, and then it's time to start building a team again."

It's hard for a small market team like the United States to keep talented players once they prove themselves on the court. Chris Paul played exceptionally well over the summer, only to sign with the New Orleans Hornets when the season began. The same for Howard in Orlando and Kobe in Los Angeles, the alure of playing for actual money and more than once every 4 years just proves too much for the fledging USA franchise's hopes of keeping players.

"I enjoyed my time with Team USA, I really did," said Paul. "We had some fun, it was good being in a small market when I was getting my name out there. But they just can't pay the big Bucks to resign players. Everyone knows what their owners, the United States Government, is going through right now. They might go out of business soon with this economy the way it is. I had to make to move to something stable."

And so the smalltown Team USA franchise and its fans will soldier on. Knowing that once every four years they will put together a damn good team, only to see it get dismantled the following season, much like the Florida Marlins. They will be stuck with outdated jerseys and broken dreams, but despite the hard feelings they have hope for those who move on from the team.

"It's a special feeling watching them play now," said Hank Gustaphson. "I can tell my kids that I watched Dwyane Wade back when he played for us, back before he was a real superstar. That's a nice thing to be able to say. But as good as it feels, with how many people we lost to free agency, Team USA is really going to suck this year. I predict no Olympic medals..."

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Posted on: October 28, 2008 9:09 am
Edited on: October 28, 2008 9:16 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Arizona will beat out Carolina simply because they have such a dedication to the running game, and that's what everything else builds off of on offense.
  • The new Lions quarterback could very well be the best Orlovsky ever to play in the NFL.
  • What if firemen ran congress? Well, apparently they would talk incessantly on Nokia beep phone radios despite the fact they are in the same room. Now being politicians they would probably then charge the country for these large uneeded phone Bills. Also, it appears that firemen never shower or wash their clothes. Oh, and we would probably have a lot fewer fires.
  • Cowboys fans are going to be pumped up and happy if their team can match their high octane offensive performance of 14 points from a week ago.
  • Hey Brits! This is how a real sport is played, with a lot of scoring! No 5-3 soccer score nonsense here, because we times all our touchdowns by 7, so we get sensible scores like 35-21. Much more exciting looking numbers right there...
  • Those poor Dolphins fans, they get stuck with a scrub like Chad Pennington while Jets fans get to bask in the glory of Brett Favre. That must suck.
  • Watch out Orlando Magic, Dwight Howard has apparently been eating quite often at McDonald's over the offseason. Judging by how many times I have had to watch the commercial where he peels off game pieces while he gets eyed by a young white racist, he has been there 12,837,438 times.
  • The Bengals defense is going to make the stat sheet look pretty ugly for Texans QB Matt Schaub, because they are a very tough unit. Also, there will be a bunch of Bengals statistics on there which will ruin any statsheet.
  • Brian Westbrook is way too banged up to do much this week, keep him on your fantasy bench. That tip was free, you can all thank me later.
  • It's going to be a tough battle to see who can out-horrible the other team. But I've got to give a leg up to Seattle in this one. I think San Francisco is going to win it because the new coach just seems to have confidence in his players, he's going to stick with them no matter what in this game.
  • If you get together 200 of your friends, get drunk on Guiness, and then go to the top of an office building with access to every room, you can turn off and on the lights repeatedly. This will look awesome to the one janitor in a neighboring building who notices. Doesn't that sound like fun? Well, trust me, it will when you're drunk on Guiness.
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Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:45 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am
 

US Officials Working On Inventing More Events

After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

SportsComedian.com
 
 
 
 
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