Tag:ESPN
Posted on: August 18, 2010 7:35 am
Edited on: August 18, 2010 10:51 am
 

Tim Tebow Releases Premium XXX Website For Media

Tim Tebow today announced the opening of the brand new TimTebow.com today, a website with premium paid access for reporters and members of the media who just can't get enough of the Broncos QB. For only $19.99 per month, ESPN commentators and talk radio hosts can get a behind the scenes look at Tebow's most personal information, just in case there is no trivial Tebow news they can use that day to shoehorn in another discussion of the quarterback.

"Wow, if there's one thing I love, it's talking and watching Tebow," said ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd. "As a member of the media, I just can't get enough! I signed up for the new site membership immediately, and can now debate whether or not he can be successful in the NFL, at any time and anywhere! Wow! He just tweeted to all us premium members that he made eggs for breakfast! He's already adjusted to breakfasts in the NFL! He's ready to take over this team now!"

The new website features a store where fans can continue to buy Tebow's number one selling jersey, as well jerseys of all the other popular third string QBs. You can pick up a Luke McCown jersey from the Jacksonville Jaguars, a Zac Robinson jersey from the New England Patriots, or a Chiefs jersey that just says Kansas City on the back. As even the league office and the actual Chiefs team don't really know who their third string QB is. Stunningly, not many Zac Robinson jerseys have been sold so far.

The site is also causing a stir because of its XXX section, which has photos and videos of a nude Tim Tebow working out and running fake combine tests. Many regular fans are confused about why the website is even in existence, as well as why the media is so in love with a good college QB who most agreed before the draft wouldn't do well in the pros.

"You tell them to shut up!" yelled Cowherd, when he heard of the public's skepticism. "It's not something we can explain here at ESPN, we just can't get enough Tebow. Sure, I've checked out the XXX section. Sure, I've seen the entire crew of NFL Live gathered around a laptop, and taking notes to break down his nude films. I say to everyone, don't judge me. It's just something I must watch, as it's in some way related to Tim Tebow. Let me just add that based on what I've "seen", he's definitely a "big leaguer", and ready to take over from Kyle Orton..."

The message boards on TimTebow.com are filled with ESPN analysts discussing with each other, everything about the QB. Current popular threads are "How sure are we he's a lock for Hall Of Fame first ballot?", "Should we fight to the death to see who gets to interview him if he ever comes in the ESPN offices?", and finally "Tim Tebow: Erotic Fanfic".

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Posted on: August 10, 2010 7:54 am
 

Massive Crash Of NFL Writers Making Camp Tours

A huge car accident is being reported in eastern Ohio at the moment, the result of which is apparently an abundance of traffic by NFL reporters traveling between training camps. The roads in the northeast have been clogged for the past 2 weeks as hundreds of reporters from every website and news source imaginable are trekking between training camps for various NFL teams.

It is believed ESPN's John Clayton veered into oncoming traffic on I-43, near the border of Ohio and Kentucky, shortly after returning from Cincinnati Bengals camp and making his way to that of the Cleveland Browns. He collided with several vehicles going the other way including cars driven by Adam Schefter, Chris Mortensen, and a bus carrying John Madden.

The carnage was gruesome, as blood, broken glass, and handwritten notes on positional battles were strewn about the highway.

This crash comes right on the heels of West Virginia's governor coming out publicly against traveling beat reporters during recent weeks. He says the constant traffic jams and congestion due to thousands of writers, all with the same lame idea of traveling to every camp for live reports they could just have easily have done in the office, is too much for his roads to take.

It's unknown how the death of several sports writers at once will affect the coverage of the NFL preseason, but it's believed with so many out there, you'll hardly notice a difference. Peter King has said in addition to hitting all 32 NFL camps, he is also going to try to travel to every funeral of a beat writer who dies traveling between camps.

SportsComedian.com

 

Posted on: August 5, 2010 7:53 am
 

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relgating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:44 am
 

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 27, 2010 7:45 am
 

Man From Something Called A Newspaper Detained

NFL training camps kicked off today around the country, and the drama of players battling for roster spots was not the only excitement to take place. In Miami Dolphins training camp, a suspicious man was held by security after he tried to tell team officials he was with a news organization called the Miami Herald.

The obviously fabricated media outlet was said to be something called a "newspaper" by the man, who pleaded with Dolphins security that he was indeed an actual reporter. Bloggers and television reporters knew nothing of this Miami Herald or newspapers, and said this was all probably some kind of elaborate hoax. The man was released after it was determined he was no real threat, just a crazy old man holding onto the past, and was told to go read about the Dolphins on the internet like everybody else.

ESPN broke into programming to report the story and sports blogs around the country immediately began covering the incident, and the internet was abuzz with people researching these newspapers. According to wikipedia, and other vague mentions that people across the message boards could put together, newspapers were a daily printed account of sports news. It was sent out as many as 18 hours after a sporting event concluded, long after everyone should have already known the result.

These printed papers were then put into a plastic bag and thrown wildly into your yard every morning by a young boy on a bicycle. You would then have to go out into the wet grass, retrieve your paper, and then wade through pages of ads to find the sports section. Apparently you also had to pay for this massive inconvenience.

Conspiracy websites immediately sprang up, claiming that obviously Wikipedia was vandalized, as this sounded way too crazy to actually be true.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 22, 2010 7:52 am
 

ESPN's Favre - Make The [BEEP]ing Decision Specia

by Matt Webb

Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”

According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.

The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.

In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this s**t!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”

ESPN says the special's broadcast date and time will be announced soon.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 20, 2010 9:31 am
Edited on: July 20, 2010 9:32 am
 

A-Rod Provides 600 Free Balls To Poor Fans

As covered extensively on ESPN, Alex Rodriguez is nearly to a huge milestone in Major League Baseball, providing 600 balls to people with crappy seats at games. Rodriguez, as a relatively poor boy in the Dominican Republic, always had horrible seats to baseball games and vowed to one day become a dominant power hitter to make up for it.

As he hit number 598 over the weekend, the Yankee announcers talked about the generosity of A-Rod.

"Only a few players in history have been this great with giving free souvenirs to poor baseball fans," the announcers stated. "Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and of course the super philanthropist Barry Bonds; the man who risked his fertility, health, and size of his testicles to be able to give balls to people who can barely see the batter during the game."

"And Alex still has a few years left, he could wind up as the most charitable slugger of all time," replied the other announcer.

Rodriguez himself has said it was his poor upbringing that has him trying to give out free items to those whose tickets cost less than a beer. He also runs charities on the side like Homers For The Homeless, where he goes out on the streets of New York and hits balls directly at homeless people from a short distance to give them a piece of the game they can keep. His charity has handed out over 1000 balls unofficially, and put over 200 people in the hospital.

How many balls he hands out by the end of his career is anybody's guess, but 600 is quite a milestone, and for those in the outfield, its always exciting when he comes to the plate.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 16, 2010 7:29 am
 

NCAA Investigating How UNC FB Had Winning Record

The NCAA announced today that the North Carlina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that they somehow had 8-5 records the past two seasons. The discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books for last season to decide early season schedules, and sure enough next to North Carolina it said 8-5.

The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.

"Obviously there has been some cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"

Some theories thrown about as to how they got winning records range from normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those pens from the Men In Black movies.

"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."

Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believe games could be forfeited until their record looks more like the 3-4 wins everyone thinks North Carolina should have. USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given to them, should they be taken away from NC.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com