Tag:Florida Gators
Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:33 am
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Munchkin Player Smaller At Combine Than College

When Michael Crabtree showed up at the Combine to get measured, he checked in at 2 full inches under his listed 6' 3" at Texas Tech. Scouts were somewhat stunned at such a gross mismeasurement. But the most amazing shocker of the Combine came when linebacker Beezleknees Gum Gum measured over 3 feet smaller than his listed 6' 5" at Emerald City College, completely scrambling everyone's draft boards.

While Gum Gum had been a dominant force in Divison VII college football, the division for literature and fairy tale characters, some say he may struggle at the next level. He led Emerald City in tackles, interceptions, and sacks, as they went on to triumph over the Narnia Fairies in the Division VII championship game. He is somewhat of a legend on campus, after he made a stunning interception return for a touchdown that helped upset the Hogwarts Wizards in the semi-finals, a matchup that oddsmakers expected them to lose handily.

But in standing Beezleknees next to the other Combine athletes, it seems like it might be very hard to compete for the 3 foot kid from Munchkin Land. He ran a 8.5 40-yard dash, a very good time for someone with legs half the size of a normal human. Plus, he showed some resolve when he attempted to tackle Florida runningback Percy Harvin. He wasn't able to actually bring him down, but he latched onto his right thigh and held on all the way to the endzone on a 72-yard touchdown, something a lesser munchkin would never be able to do.

Scouts aren't sure where he will go now in the draft, as he was projected to be an early 3rd rounder based on his performance on tape. But now that he has turned out to be smaller, some are saying he might not be drafted at all, as he is too easy to confuse with the football itself. Others say his ability to use magic might make up for his physical deficiencies.

Gum Gum is the son of a wealthy mother from the Lollipop Guild and a hardworking father who made fudge-covered cookies in an oak tree. If he is drafted, he would be the first munchkin to ever be taken on draft day. Right now, it appears he will be the only Division VII player taken, although the Falcons are very high on a speedy runningback centaur out of Fantasia State.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: January 15, 2009 9:52 am
 

ESPN Busted Fellating Tebow In Gainesville

When viewers attempted to tune their televisions into ESPN last night, they found nothing but a test tone and a picture of Dick Vitale wearing an indian headdress. It turns out the channel was arrested last night in Gainesville, where they were caught by police performing oral sex on Tim Tebow in a parking garage. It was the first time in known history an entire network has been caught in a sex scandal at once.

Details of the incident are still coming out, but apparently ESPN began seeing Tebow romantically shortly after he led the Gators to their second national title in three years. As soon as he led them to a victory, many within the network began to regale him with praise, with talk about how he was the greatest college quarterback of all time. It seemed every show and pundit on the channel was madly in love with Tebow, with many on message boards urging the two to "just get a room already".

But yesterday their love of Tebow was taken a step too far, as the entire network was caught by police with Tebow in several large tour busses in Gainesville. Apparently they had run out of ways to give Tebow praise on each of their shows, and decided to round up all the anchors and drive down to let their tongues do the praising.

"This whole thing is just shameful," said Police Chief Richard Kirkman. "We had 50 or so sports anchors and pundits here, most of them men, and all apparently engaged in acts of oral sex with this young quarterback. Public lewdness and fornication is illegal here, and we intend to see that this entire network does some time."

"Look, sometimes you just get carried away," said analyst Woody Paige. "When a young man throws such a high, tight spiral, and has the running ability of a stout healthy ox...it....it just becomes too much to handle. How can any sports fan not want to put him in their mouth?"

As evidence of the love affair the network has had with Tebow the police confiscated 32 espn.com articles about him being the best college player ever, 26 hours of ESPN radio interviews about his offensive skills being unstoppable, and an awkward video recorded by Michael Wilbon's cellphone that is apparently 13 minutes of Tebow showering. Wilbon denied the cellphone was his, but vowed to find the owner and ask him why he had the phone numbers of his wife, friends, and family in there.

Despite denials by most pundits, Lee Corso declared quite the opposite. "The law can't stand in the way of our love!" said an exasperated Corso. "This guy is so good, so damn good, and you want us to stop all the talk about him being the best player ever? No! I don't remember anyone who has ever impressed us all this much with their game-changing ability, so he deserves it. Well, I do remember a fellow named Reggie Bush who we all loved, but that was so long ago...Oh, and Vince Young, but...oh, and Michael Vick...Well, there has not been anyone like Tim Tebow in at least 2 years, and it is very exciting."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:28 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am
 

NCAA Adds +1 Team To Next Years Championship Game

"There has been a great deal of clamor for a +1 system to be added to the current BCS Bowl format," said BCS chairman Rich Wallace in a press conference held today. "The current Utah-Texas-USC debate, as well as past years, have shown us that we may need to indeed add a +1 to our games. That is why I am here to announced that starting in 2009, we will have one extra team in the BCS National Championship Game!

"That's right, for the first time ever there will be a third team playing football at the same time as the other two. Just imagine, Oklahoma vs. Florida vs. USC! Plus that means we are still giving you Texas and Utah to argue about after it's over! It's the best of both worlds!"

Wallace went on to tell those in attendance that they had stadium designers working on a unique triangle shaped field for next year with 3 endzones. The rules for the game will, of course, have to be changed to accomodate the new field and extra team. One team is on offense and can choose to drive to any endzone they wish. The team who they are attacking in turn gets to play defense, while the team who is not being driven on can not defend directly, but they can make dispariaging comments about the offensive team such as criticizing their weight or insulting their mothers. USC has already hired an Assistant Your Mother Coordinator for next season in preparation.

"This is finally going to make everyone shut up about that third team who everyone feels should have won the title," continued Wallace. "Now we only have to hear about the next 3 teams with similar records and opponents who were kept out of the new 3-way game. That's 25% less complaining than we had this year, and that's real progress."

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:45 am
 

Writer Fired For Lack Of Anti-BCS Articles

Dave McDougle, a college football writer from CBS Sports was fired earlier this week for a decided lack of anti-BCS articles written over the past few years. Despite what should be the basis of all his articles after week one of the BCS standings being released, the writer had only 3 stories talking about his disdain for the BCS sytem in the last half decade.

The head editor of CBSSports.com was interviewed about the decision to terminate the employee and he expressed no regret over the firing.

"Look, this is what people want to read about," said the editor. "They want to hear about how corrupt the bowl system is, and how they will never change because of the money. They want to read proposals for a college football playoff, and see fake bracket upon fake bracket of what it would look like if a playoff happened today. I mean, he wrote an article about Oregon last week! They aren't even in the top 10 or the SEC! That is completely unacceptable."

McDougle defended his work, saying that he thought his colleagues were doing enough listing of reasons why Texas is getting screwed out of the national title game, and how unfair the system is to undefeated non-BCS conference schools. But apparently that was not the case. He tried to quickly type up a conceptually overused Heisman hopeful list to save face, but the decision to let him go had already come down from the top.

"I hope he's learned his lesson," said the head CBS editor. "Maybe at his next job he will realize that he needs to state the opinion that everyone in the country has, on a weekly basis, despite the fact that everyone is doing the same and the system is likely never to change. That is how you become a college football writer."

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:29 am
 

BCS Says No One Worthy Of Playing In Championship

The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:37 am
 

12-Loss Team Still Alive For BCS Championship

With the losses by four top ten teams this week, hope is still alive for all college football teams to make it into the BCS championship game. The fact that only two teams make it into the championship every year has led some to believe that a team must stay perfect to have a shot at a national title. But not this year, as nearly every team that looked unbeatable early on has taken a stumble so far in the young season.

Even lowly North Texas, somehow already 0-12 on the season, is still in the running for a BCS berth. "Well, we lost last week to something called Rice, 77-20," said head coach Todd Dodge. "The NCAA thought it was so pathetic of a showing they gave us a couple extra losses as punishment. But they were quick to reassure us that despite being 0-12, we were still in the top 20 in the BCS rankings."

"Sure, all these teams have some losses," said college football analyst Lee Corso. "But you have to look a the quality of their opponents. North Texas has 8 losses to Rice. Now, I don't know about you, but I ate some of that with some really spicy curry last week, and it was a hell of a battle at the toilet the next day. I think they're still in this thing."

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com