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Tag:Houston Texans
Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:42 am
 

Player Harassing Officer Resigns For New Racism

The police officer who detained Houston Texans runningback Ryan Moats for a traffic violation while his mother-in-law was dying in a hospital resigned today, ending an illustrious career of racism. The 26-year-old officer has been working on his biggotry for years, and was shocked to discover people were outraged when he pulled a gun on an African-American who slowly ran a traffic light, and would not let the man into the hospital while his relative died.

"Because of this incident, I will be stepping down from the police force," said officer Robert Powell. "I don't know if I can live and work in a country that doesn't allow police to investigate just how a black guy came to be driving a car they didn't steal. And how was I supposed to know his mother-in-law was really dying, and that wasn't an excuse so he could hurry along and get some fried chicken?

"It was imperitive to the safety of the city that I searched his SUV for possible Popeye's coupons, so I could prove what his true motives are. That was taught to me on day one of police academy."

Because of the publicity and backlash the story has caused, Powell says he will be moving to Canada.

"I'm going to be going above the border," continued Powell. "There are fewer professional athletes there, so I should be able to freely harass people of color without fear that they are famous and it will get out to the media. There will not be as many black people up there, so I'm going to have to try real hard to find them and give them unnecessary and unwarranted grief."

A reporter asked Powell what he will miss the most about working in Texas.

"I will probably miss the Mexicans the most. There probably won't be any of them up there, and that will take away a good portion of my opportunities for racism. But, I hear they have French people up there, so I'm going to have to study up on what I can objectify them for. I'm very excited about this new opportunity."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: November 11, 2008 10:52 am
Edited on: November 11, 2008 10:58 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Suddenly, the Rams look very competitive. Expect them to compete hard with the Jets and everyone else the rest of the season.
  • The Titans running game has looked so amazing, I am going to start both their runningbacks this week! Here come the points baby!
  • I have no idea why this great quarterback was at home flipping burgers for half the season!" - Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli on QB Daunte Culpepper. I can't figure it out either Rod, he is amazing in my copy of Madden 2001.
  • Whoa friend! What's that you have there? A wussy 1000 calorie fast food meal in a bag? If you were a real man you would get this awesome KFC box, featuring 8 different fried things. I'm not sure what some of them are, but they are covered in extra tasty crispy batter and hence delicious. Who cares if they are my total caloric intake for the entire week.
  • If the Texans can just hang with the Ravens for 3 quarters, they will find a way to pull out a win.
  • Drew Brees has shown a lot of good chemistry with some of the Falcons defenders, look for them to hook up on some big scores.
  • Word out of Carolina is that some scientists from MIT are going to run an experiment and see just how bad a quarterback can play against the Oakland Raiders and still win a game. We'll see how that goes.
  • Wait a minute, for some reason I am not being inundated by 3 commercials per break telling me how people in government are lying to me and trying to raise my taxes...
  • Pittsburgh may lose from time to time, but at least when they do they aren't crybabies about it.
  • If only the Kansas City Chiefs had some balls and took some risks, they might be able to get a win every now and then.
  • On Monday night, for the first time in 19 seasons, Hank Williams Jr. will not be ready for some football...
SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: October 28, 2008 9:09 am
Edited on: October 28, 2008 9:16 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Arizona will beat out Carolina simply because they have such a dedication to the running game, and that's what everything else builds off of on offense.
  • The new Lions quarterback could very well be the best Orlovsky ever to play in the NFL.
  • What if firemen ran congress? Well, apparently they would talk incessantly on Nokia beep phone radios despite the fact they are in the same room. Now being politicians they would probably then charge the country for these large uneeded phone Bills. Also, it appears that firemen never shower or wash their clothes. Oh, and we would probably have a lot fewer fires.
  • Cowboys fans are going to be pumped up and happy if their team can match their high octane offensive performance of 14 points from a week ago.
  • Hey Brits! This is how a real sport is played, with a lot of scoring! No 5-3 soccer score nonsense here, because we times all our touchdowns by 7, so we get sensible scores like 35-21. Much more exciting looking numbers right there...
  • Those poor Dolphins fans, they get stuck with a scrub like Chad Pennington while Jets fans get to bask in the glory of Brett Favre. That must suck.
  • Watch out Orlando Magic, Dwight Howard has apparently been eating quite often at McDonald's over the offseason. Judging by how many times I have had to watch the commercial where he peels off game pieces while he gets eyed by a young white racist, he has been there 12,837,438 times.
  • The Bengals defense is going to make the stat sheet look pretty ugly for Texans QB Matt Schaub, because they are a very tough unit. Also, there will be a bunch of Bengals statistics on there which will ruin any statsheet.
  • Brian Westbrook is way too banged up to do much this week, keep him on your fantasy bench. That tip was free, you can all thank me later.
  • It's going to be a tough battle to see who can out-horrible the other team. But I've got to give a leg up to Seattle in this one. I think San Francisco is going to win it because the new coach just seems to have confidence in his players, he's going to stick with them no matter what in this game.
  • If you get together 200 of your friends, get drunk on Guiness, and then go to the top of an office building with access to every room, you can turn off and on the lights repeatedly. This will look awesome to the one janitor in a neighboring building who notices. Doesn't that sound like fun? Well, trust me, it will when you're drunk on Guiness.
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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com