Tag:Humor
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
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Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:38 am
 

Aikman And Buck Celebrate 120 Years Of Football

by Brett Lay

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck just surpassed John Madden and Pat “I shot Billy the Kid” Summerall as the Fox network’s longest-tenured broadcasting team.

“I can remember when we used to use telegraphs for play by plays,” stated Troy Aikman, half of the broadcast duo for Fox Sports, before slamming the empty shot glass on the table. “And I can’t tell you how often Joe would be in a shootout in whatever local saloon we were at, and then just come dragging in right before broadcast, bleeding profusely but soundly drunk.”

Buck added, “It was much harder before all the high def cameras and what not. You try to figure out which team is which when everything around is in Sepia tone.”

Aikman reminisces “I remember when Joe had to run onto the field and attempt to paint yellow lines where the first down markers would go by hand. And he had to get it done before each snap of the ball, or he would be trampled to death by the horses. People nowadays don’t even know how hard it used to be.”

(Editor’s note: In the late 1800’s, football was originally played on horseback, much like polo. However in the early 1900’s, a leather ball replaced the customary 6-shooter that most teams just used to kill each other.)

“I remember when it was sensible violence. No concussions back then,” joked Aikman. “Just good old-fashioned headshots. Also, things just seemed to go in slow motion more often, but I’m not sure why. It probably had to do with the cool Dobro and harmonica music that always played in the background.”

Things were not always so rosy for the duo, though. “Back in prohibition, Aikman here ran a still back behind the old Jenkins’ barn. It’s little know that we were the first official supplier to the NFL for bootleg liquor,” Joe stated. “But then contracts got a little iffy, there were some conflicts of interest, and we almost lost the booth.” Troy added “But it worked out all right, the league just bought the rights to my still, and we moved right along, didn’t skip a beat.”

The future continues to look bright for Joe and Troy.

“We are in this for the long haul, and what a gig, right? Besides, since we live off the same cursed mummy powers that fuel Dick Clark’s immortality, we should be around until at least doomsday, and maybe even longer. I guess we’ll see how it goes when our contract is up for renewal in 2074.”

Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:53 pm
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Posted on: September 8, 2010 12:52 pm
 

Polamalu Wants To Play, But Hair Holding Out

by Brett Lay

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.

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Posted on: September 7, 2010 9:43 am
 

Bengals Warn Fans This Could Be Rebuilding Year

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."

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Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am
 

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

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Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:01 am
 

Stephen Strasburg Loses Super Powers, Season Out

The Washington Nationals announced in a conference call this morning that phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg’s mutant right arm has lost its powers due to recent sunspot activity.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg realized there was a problem when he could no longer summon the powers of a Norse god of thunder to fling baseballs at his normal average speed of several hundred miles an hour in a recent practice.

“As anyone who has had mutant powers granted to them and then taken away by a freak act of nature can tell you, it’s a traumatic experience. Just ask Cyclops or Wolverine,” Rizzo told reporters. “But he is fully committed to doing whatever he has to do to rehab and get back out there, because lord knows, we need him,” Rizzo continued between slow sobs at the mic. “Who knew that his weakness was random bursts of electromagnetic energy? We just assumed it would be drugs and alcohol, like the other red-blooded ball players we have on this team.”

Strasburg has been a rare ray of hope for these Nationals, who have spent the last several seasons perfecting their record of complete futility. The loss of Strasburg will be a big shock not only to this city, but also to his fellow players.

Truly morale was low in DC, as we asked and some of the residents threw in their 2 cents worth.

  • “Yeah, Strasburg was awesome. Not sure what we’re going to do now.” – Greg, street vendor
  • “If you ask me, I saw it coming. I can’t tell you how often the genetically enhanced mutant protectors of our national pastime come through here, raising hopes, but then fizzle out before any substance can be provided.” – Mara, food services
  • “We have a baseball team? I didn’t know that. Give me your wallet.” – Stitches, unemployed

“We were just getting in the swing of things, too,” Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals 3rd baseman, stated to the swarm of reporters. “Ivan was just starting to learn how to block the plate like a real catcher, the janitor they brought in who was competing for the 1st base spot with Dunn had just barely gotten edged out, and we had just learned how to pronounce Nyjer’s name. I even thought we might win a game this year. What a rip.”

The Washington Post reported Strasburg will get a second opinion from Verðandi, a norn that once treated Thor himself when he had to have Tommy John’s surgery in 652 B.C.

“I’m no quitter, that’s for sure,” said Strasburg as he was loading Pegasus for the long trip to Valhalla for his evaluation. “Now that I’m temporarily a normal human, sort of like that dude in Superman 2, I have to be careful. It seems I can no longer smash through walls or melt things with my heat vision. But I’m not giving up on this season that easily, no sir, I’ll be back.”

At that point he mounted his steed and swiftly flew from sight into the sunset.

We can only hope for the National’s sake that he gets his powers back.

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Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:57 am
 

Dodgers Pull Prank, Send Manny To White Sox

The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them 3 years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

"Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!" said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. "I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

"I put Manny in a box and sent him next day delivery via UPS immediately! These suckers aren't going to know what hits them when they open up this package!"

While this is only the latest most famous trick, a Manny Ramirezing is a common prank for kids. Many people have been called by children, asking if their refrigerator is running...and also if they would like to pick up Manny Ramirez off waivers.

If they should be foolish enough to say yes, they are then sent the troublesome player who proceeds to bring down the morale of their entire household. He refuses to run out ground balls, take out the trash, clean his hair and pine tar out of the bathtub after a shower, or play a day game of dominoes after a night game.

Eventually, the family has no choice but to place Manny on waivers in their front yard until a neighbor picks him up in a truck and takes him to their team.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com