Tag:Jacksonville Jaguars
Posted on: August 18, 2010 7:35 am
Edited on: August 18, 2010 10:51 am
 

Tim Tebow Releases Premium XXX Website For Media

Tim Tebow today announced the opening of the brand new TimTebow.com today, a website with premium paid access for reporters and members of the media who just can't get enough of the Broncos QB. For only $19.99 per month, ESPN commentators and talk radio hosts can get a behind the scenes look at Tebow's most personal information, just in case there is no trivial Tebow news they can use that day to shoehorn in another discussion of the quarterback.

"Wow, if there's one thing I love, it's talking and watching Tebow," said ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd. "As a member of the media, I just can't get enough! I signed up for the new site membership immediately, and can now debate whether or not he can be successful in the NFL, at any time and anywhere! Wow! He just tweeted to all us premium members that he made eggs for breakfast! He's already adjusted to breakfasts in the NFL! He's ready to take over this team now!"

The new website features a store where fans can continue to buy Tebow's number one selling jersey, as well jerseys of all the other popular third string QBs. You can pick up a Luke McCown jersey from the Jacksonville Jaguars, a Zac Robinson jersey from the New England Patriots, or a Chiefs jersey that just says Kansas City on the back. As even the league office and the actual Chiefs team don't really know who their third string QB is. Stunningly, not many Zac Robinson jerseys have been sold so far.

The site is also causing a stir because of its XXX section, which has photos and videos of a nude Tim Tebow working out and running fake combine tests. Many regular fans are confused about why the website is even in existence, as well as why the media is so in love with a good college QB who most agreed before the draft wouldn't do well in the pros.

"You tell them to shut up!" yelled Cowherd, when he heard of the public's skepticism. "It's not something we can explain here at ESPN, we just can't get enough Tebow. Sure, I've checked out the XXX section. Sure, I've seen the entire crew of NFL Live gathered around a laptop, and taking notes to break down his nude films. I say to everyone, don't judge me. It's just something I must watch, as it's in some way related to Tim Tebow. Let me just add that based on what I've "seen", he's definitely a "big leaguer", and ready to take over from Kyle Orton..."

The message boards on TimTebow.com are filled with ESPN analysts discussing with each other, everything about the QB. Current popular threads are "How sure are we he's a lock for Hall Of Fame first ballot?", "Should we fight to the death to see who gets to interview him if he ever comes in the ESPN offices?", and finally "Tim Tebow: Erotic Fanfic".

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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:19 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Patriots might have had a chance to beat the Dolphins this Sunday, but that was before they had to rely on Matt Cassel to throw the ball. They will be lucky if they can get 100 yards through the air.
  • To be Donovan McNabb must be great, you have a completely secure job as the franchise QB, everybody in Philadelphia loves you, and you don't have to spend time reading or knowing any of the NFL rulebook.
  • People in Cleveland have started to talk bad about Brady Quinn's play recently after a very good showing in his first NFL game, don't be surprised if Derek Anderson has to come on the field for a bit and remind their fans what bad quarterback play really looks like.
  • Apparently when you are a giant anthropomorphic Whopper from Burger King, you still somehow manage to get a really hot human wife. I don't know how that love making works, but there is a strangely rare lack of results when I type "burger porn" into a search engine. Someone needs to get to work on that type of website immediately, this is an untapped gold mine. Prospective names you can use: "Hold The Pickles", "Mayonaisse On The Side", "I'll Take It Medium Rare".
  • Shaun Alexander is returning to face Seattle for the first time since being cut. So far this season he has a stunning 24 total yards in five games. If only they hadn't cut such an integral part of the offense, they might not be 2-8. Look for him to rub it in their faces by running for 5 yards, and showing them what they are missing out on.
  • Say goodbye to your nice run Jets fans, it's time to face a team that can really put up some points, and all you've got to answer them with is that Favre guy.
  • I just realized that Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio's name in Spanish means Jack Of The River! That would be an awesome syndicated action-adventure series. His co-stars can be all these players from the Jags who obviously don't have much talent in football playing. Maybe they would be better actors instead.
  • Bud Light, the difference is drinkability. Remember when you tried to drink other liquids like Listerine, conola oil, a glass of urine, or that crazy water stuff and you threw it up everywhere? Well, you should have been drinking Bud Light, it is the one drinkable liquid. Every other beer you have to chew apparently.
  • If only the Lions were able to get a nice lead on a team, I'm sure they would be able to hold onto it...
  • T.O. is just not the same receiver he used to be, I remember when he would get 200 yard games like it was nothing. Now he is struggling just to make a first down. That will be bad for Dallas' chances this week.
  • I think the Colts not having a clutch kicker is going to haunt them at some point this season. Adam Vinatieri? I don't know who this scrub is, but they need to pick someone up before they need to kick a long one to win a game.
  • Ah! Hurry everyone, abondon this Cardinals bandwagon we are all floating on! We appear to have hit an iceberg called the New York Giants! We are sinking back into the pack of mediocre NFC teams! See if some of us can get a ride on the U.S.S. Falcons for a few weeks!

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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:44 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:50 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Cincinnati Bengals and Philadelphia Eagles are just two teams on completely different ends of the spectrum, don't look for this game to be close on the scoreboard at any point during the day.
  • Benjarvis Green-Ellis, you are now a part of my amazing fantasy roster along with Carson Palmer and Laurence Maroney. I know you are going to get about 30 carries per game and get enough points to carry me to a championship.
  • 5 Hour Energy, 5 minutes and 5 dollars spent on the production value of our commercials.
  • Eh, Steelers and Chargers going at it again. This is a matchup we have seen so many times in the past, and with their offenses we will have a score we have seen many times in the past too.
  • With the way the Packers have been playing lately, the Bears can easily just mark this game as a big blowout win on their calendars. Feel free to use permanent marker too, you guys are even getting back the dynamic and amazing Kyle Orton as well!
  • Sorry Buccaneers, but if you want to get consistent wins you're going to have to get someone in at QB who makes fewer errors than Jeff Garcia. That guy is just not an efficient game manager.
  • Is anyone else concerned that over the last several years the nerdy "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy from Verizon has been steadily building up an army with which he confronts people who would dare question the reliability of his network? What happens when and if he decides to turn them on the rest of us? Nerdocalypse. That's what.
  • The Dolphins look pretty good, but they are going to have to work with Chad Pennington because he can't hit the broad side of a barn out there on the field. The box score for last Sunday's game left their star wide receiving Barn with 0 catches once again, something they will need to remedy to win.
  • The Giants won't be much of a match out there for Baltimore due to their bruising run defense. It will be like trying to run against a brick wall.
  • In meetings this week, the Jaguars defensive secondary was focusing on one thing about the Titans, and that's double or triple coverage of wideout Justin Gage. They are going to shut him down hard.
  • If only there really was an airline run by roadies, I would feel very safe being 15,000 feet up in the air with my life in the hands of dirty 40-year-old white guys wearing leather chaps. But hey, at least they are communicating efficiently with their awesome push to talk cellphones. Hopefully they can push to talk an SOS as we plumit to the ground.
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Posted on: October 14, 2008 9:40 am
Edited on: October 14, 2008 9:49 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • JaMarcus Russell will somehow manage to complete 40% of his passes, despite the fact he is playing against the extremely tough Saints defense.
  • The thing that has impressed me the most about the improved Miami Dolphins this season, is just how good their defense performs when the clock is ticking down.
  • Alright PCs, you win! Your commercials are now more annoying and repetitive than Apple's! You can stop now!
  • Packers fans are going to be wishing they still had Brett Favre after watching Aaron Rodgers struggle while Favre carves up another horrible defense.
  • Being the only healthy player left on the entire Eagles roster, Donovan McNabb is going to have a very tough game. While he might throw a few long touchdowns to himself, I don't think he has a very consistent kicking leg.
  • I like the Cardinals on offense and defense, but their special teams aren't very special.
  • Barack Obama is friends with terrorists, he is responsible for the current economic crisis, and he also hates kittens. If you elect him the economy will be destroyed, all your pets will be dead, and terrorists will be coming over for sleepovers at the white house. Do you want a President staying up late playing truth or dare with Osama Bin Laden? Think about it... I'm John McCain, and I approve this message.
  • Those forced to watch the horrid Vikings-Lions game might just have to turn over to hockey so they can actually get some scoring.
  • Matt Cassel is just as good as Tom Brady. I can see this Patriots team running the table...
  • Ha! Some fool actually took Maurice Jones-Drew off my hands! That guy never gets any carries!
  • There's something about John McCain's healthcare plan that he isn't telling you, and that's that he would tax your internet porn to pay for it. That's money you would pay each time you log on to ease the pain of a close loss to a division rival. Money you would pay each time you tell your wife you'll be to bed soon, just as soon as you download the "attachments" Larry from work just sent. Sure, it would balance the budget and provide enough money to fund new schools in every state. But it would drive every man in this country broke. And because of that, we just can't afford John McCain...I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:30 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:34 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
  • Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
  • Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
  • Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
  • The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
  • It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
  • Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
  • The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
  • With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
  • Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
  • Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.
This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com