Tag:Kobe Bryant
Posted on: June 16, 2009 1:19 pm

Kobe Proves He Can Win Title Without Rick Fox

Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous 3 NBA titles, many critics believed that Kobe would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back to back to back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Rick's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor."

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Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
Edited on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am

NHL Offers To End Debate, Let LeBron Be TheirBest

The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity. Commissioner Gary Bettman said that all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league. He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the who's the best debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

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Posted on: June 9, 2009 10:58 am

League To Start Boston Celtics In Place Of Magic

After a poor showing in their first game, and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for game three in favor of the Boston Celtics. Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference semi-finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

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Posted on: June 6, 2009 12:12 pm

Young Marionete Accuses Kobe Puppet Of Infidelity

A new feature in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say that she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year. The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that at times Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of LeBron James could not be reached for comment. He did however put out a press release through his publicist saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this. He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to, in order to make this go away.

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Posted on: February 17, 2009 11:22 am

East Eliminated From NBA Season With Loss To West

With a horrible defensive effort last night, the Eastern Conference was officially eliminated from the NBA season after their tough loss to the Western Conference. Looking like they had never even played together before yesterday, the East looked downright confused at times, as the West rang them up for 146 points. With the loss, the East's season ends on a sour note, and they will only get to watch the rest of the year from their couches.

"This loss hurts," said the Eastern Conference star player LeBron James. "To get eliminated from the season so early, I thought we really had a chance at making a deep run this year. But to lose to a bad team like the West, that is what caught me totally by surprise. These guys barely made it into the season at all, and then they bounce us in the first round. I guess we need to blow up this conference and rebuild, bring in some young kids and hopefully turn this thing around. This might take awhile, we've got a lot of big names on this team. We might not make it back into the season for a couple years."

With the win, the Western Conference will go on to play itself in the next round of the season. But some stars were happy to get past the team that has haunted them in the past.

"Those guys are really scrappy," said Kobe Bryant. "I'm glad to eliminate them this early though, because it seems like every year, there is some team from that conference that ends up in the NBA Finals. Even in their down years, they seem to somehow get a team in the Finals. I guess they just turn it on for the playoffs or something..."

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:50 am
Edited on: January 22, 2009 9:51 am

Team USA Fans Angry Their Superstars Not Loyal

In this day and age, franchise loyalty is often considered a thing of the past. But nowhere is that more apparent than with Team USA, the gold medal winning franchise, whose player exodus in the offseason saw every one of their stars go to new teams. Residents of the United States felt betrayed by the play for money by their free agents.

"It just doesn't feel right," said Wilbur Reynolds. "We win a championship with this great nucleus of players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and then they all up and leave for the big dollars. We were just getting to know these kids and watch them gel into something great, and then it's time to start building a team again."

It's hard for a small market team like the United States to keep talented players once they prove themselves on the court. Chris Paul played exceptionally well over the summer, only to sign with the New Orleans Hornets when the season began. The same for Howard in Orlando and Kobe in Los Angeles, the alure of playing for actual money and more than once every 4 years just proves too much for the fledging USA franchise's hopes of keeping players.

"I enjoyed my time with Team USA, I really did," said Paul. "We had some fun, it was good being in a small market when I was getting my name out there. But they just can't pay the big Bucks to resign players. Everyone knows what their owners, the United States Government, is going through right now. They might go out of business soon with this economy the way it is. I had to make to move to something stable."

And so the smalltown Team USA franchise and its fans will soldier on. Knowing that once every four years they will put together a damn good team, only to see it get dismantled the following season, much like the Florida Marlins. They will be stuck with outdated jerseys and broken dreams, but despite the hard feelings they have hope for those who move on from the team.

"It's a special feeling watching them play now," said Hank Gustaphson. "I can tell my kids that I watched Dwyane Wade back when he played for us, back before he was a real superstar. That's a nice thing to be able to say. But as good as it feels, with how many people we lost to free agency, Team USA is really going to suck this year. I predict no Olympic medals..."

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Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:45 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am

US Officials Working On Inventing More Events

After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

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