Tag:Los Angeles Lakers
Posted on: July 17, 2010 11:22 am
 

Sausage Signs With Miami Heat, Infuriating Brewer

Another piece of the latest NBA superteam was revealed today down in South Beach. The Miami Heat announced today that they had signed the Milwaukee Brewers Kielbasa to a 4 year dear at the league minimum. It's being seen as a major coup for Miami to get such a strong player at a cheap price, but the Kielbasa's agent said his client took the deal because of the chance to win an NBA championship.

For those who haven't been following the Brewers regular sausage races during home games, the Kielbasa has soundly dominated the competition this year, to the tune of the best record in the open sausage race era. There was a lot of speculation on if he would resign with Milwaukee or field offers from teams like Washington who wanted him to race dead ex-presidents. But he surprised everyone and even switched sports to basketball.

"This is a move I make with a heavy heart," said the anthropomorphic frankfurter. "This city and this team has been very good to me, but I just saw a great opportunity to win a championship down in Miami, and had to jump at it."

Mark Attanasio, owner of the Brewers, wrote a scathing letter to season ticket holders, talking about the betrayal of their franchise sausage.

"This is a day that will forever be remembered as the day Milwaukee's biggest star turned his back on us all. I can not believe that our best player would just leave like this. Obviously, by the product that's out there on the field, no one is coming to see our guys play baseball. They are here to see sausages race. Children are going to be crying in the stands when they realize all they have to look at now is a Chorizo..."

Indeed, things don't bode well for the remaining sausage roster in Milwaukee. Aside from the aforementioned Chorizo they have a Hot Dog, Italian Sausage, and Bratwurst, all minimum salary players who the franchise brought in to surround and support the play of the Kielbasa. ESPN 2's Sausage Tonight took a look at the ramifications of the trade, and said this could be a move that hurts Milwaukee for years to come, as well as virtually assures they will not make the sausage playoffs anytime soon.

Heat president Pat Riley said that the signing gives them the last piece of their puzzle. 

"We had a point guard to run this team in Dwyane Wade, we had a shooter in LeBron James, and we had a big in Chris Bosh. Everyone knows the only other thing you need to win a championship in this league is a strong sausage to fill out your roster. This team just became 50% better, and 200% more delicious."

The Los Angeles Lakers' Beer Brat says Pat Riley's formula is obviously true, and he looks forward to facing Kielbasa in next year's NBA Finals.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: June 16, 2009 1:19 pm
 

Kobe Proves He Can Win Title Without Rick Fox

Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous 3 NBA titles, many critics believed that Kobe would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back to back to back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Rick's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor."

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Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
Edited on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
 

NHL Offers To End Debate, Let LeBron Be TheirBest

The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity. Commissioner Gary Bettman said that all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league. He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the who's the best debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

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Posted on: June 9, 2009 11:14 am
 

Referee Thanks Player For Help Making Call

It's great when you see good teamwork out there on the basketball floor. Nowhere was it more apparent than during the end to Sunday's regulation time when Courtney Lee missed an alley oop layup with a chance to win the game. Referee Tim Bixon was under the basket, ready to whistle a shooting foul, but then he saw Pau Gasol help him out on the call by waving his arms and shouting "No foul!".

"Wow, that guy was just really nice," said Bixon. "He could have not done anything, or even lied. But he helped me make an important call there that ultimately decided the game. What a swell person! I was probably even going to blow that whistle, but luckily he was there to tell me how it really was."

To that fact, Gasol has been training to be a basketball referee in the offseason.

"I've noticed the officiating in this league could really use an overhaul," he said after the game. "They tend to call way too many fouls on me, and not enough when I get touched. That is why I'm learning to just make my own calls out there. I think the league will allow it, as long as I get certified and everything. Why would a certified ref ever lie?"

He has been doing his part this season to make sure the refs know what every call should be, yelling and screaming at them that he did not make contact during every shooting foul called against LA. He also is quick to remind them who last touched the ball when it goes out of bounds, which 94% of the time happens to be the other team, something he says is a known statistic.

They are very appreciative of his help in calling the games, and believe he will be key if the Lakers have any chance of sweeping the Magic in 4 games this series.

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Posted on: June 9, 2009 10:58 am
 

League To Start Boston Celtics In Place Of Magic

After a poor showing in their first game, and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for game three in favor of the Boston Celtics. Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference semi-finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

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Posted on: June 6, 2009 12:12 pm
 

Young Marionete Accuses Kobe Puppet Of Infidelity

A new feature in Sports Illustrated features a young marionette in the Los Angeles area that has come forward to say that she may have been involved in an extra-marital affair with the Kobe Bryant puppet over the last year. The marionette, a 19-year-old dancer at Captain Lucky's Puppet Theater, says she became involved with Bryant after he came to one of her shows and visited her in the backstage area.

She claims that at times Bryant was abusive towards her, and says she twice had to go to the emergency room for damage to her strings. She says that the torrid affair included bizarre acts in the bedroom where he would ask her to stick strange things into his puppet hole.

Kobe puppet's wife, the puppet of LeBron James could not be reached for comment. He did however put out a press release through his publicist saying that he was very ashamed of these allegations, and he could not believe Kobe puppet would do something like this. He also said it was unbelievable it would happen while they had their adopted son at home, an inquisitive 5-year-old puppet with glasses, whom they adopted after his mother's fatal failed bunyun surgery.

More information on this story is coming out, but for the time being Kobe puppet has professed his innocence. He says that he will buy whatever puppet jewelry for LeBron he needs to, in order to make this go away.

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:50 am
Edited on: January 22, 2009 9:51 am
 

Team USA Fans Angry Their Superstars Not Loyal

In this day and age, franchise loyalty is often considered a thing of the past. But nowhere is that more apparent than with Team USA, the gold medal winning franchise, whose player exodus in the offseason saw every one of their stars go to new teams. Residents of the United States felt betrayed by the play for money by their free agents.

"It just doesn't feel right," said Wilbur Reynolds. "We win a championship with this great nucleus of players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and then they all up and leave for the big dollars. We were just getting to know these kids and watch them gel into something great, and then it's time to start building a team again."

It's hard for a small market team like the United States to keep talented players once they prove themselves on the court. Chris Paul played exceptionally well over the summer, only to sign with the New Orleans Hornets when the season began. The same for Howard in Orlando and Kobe in Los Angeles, the alure of playing for actual money and more than once every 4 years just proves too much for the fledging USA franchise's hopes of keeping players.

"I enjoyed my time with Team USA, I really did," said Paul. "We had some fun, it was good being in a small market when I was getting my name out there. But they just can't pay the big Bucks to resign players. Everyone knows what their owners, the United States Government, is going through right now. They might go out of business soon with this economy the way it is. I had to make to move to something stable."

And so the smalltown Team USA franchise and its fans will soldier on. Knowing that once every four years they will put together a damn good team, only to see it get dismantled the following season, much like the Florida Marlins. They will be stuck with outdated jerseys and broken dreams, but despite the hard feelings they have hope for those who move on from the team.

"It's a special feeling watching them play now," said Hank Gustaphson. "I can tell my kids that I watched Dwyane Wade back when he played for us, back before he was a real superstar. That's a nice thing to be able to say. But as good as it feels, with how many people we lost to free agency, Team USA is really going to suck this year. I predict no Olympic medals..."

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Posted on: December 18, 2008 1:32 pm
Edited on: December 18, 2008 2:17 pm
 

Celtics Clinch Boring Divisional Race With Win

The Boston Celtics won their 16th game in a row last night over the Atlanta Hawks 88-85. With the win, the Celtics have clinched an extremely boring divisional race for the remaining 56 games on the regular season schedule as their next closest opponent is now 11 games back. It is the second consecutive boring divisional race for the Celtics after they finished 25 games better than Toronto last year.

Head coach Doc Rivers said he is proud of what his team has accomplished again, and said now they can relax and fall into a general not caring about games from here on out. It will hopefully carry over a few rounds into the playoffs until they can turn it around and win another championship, just like last year.

"Every game from here on out is a not entirely necessary, but would be nice if we did win game," said Boston fan Jack Robredo. "It makes following the team so much easier when you don't have to really care about whether they win or lose to actually watch the games. You can just check out the box score the next day and say good job either way. I wish all sports were this easy."

The Los Angeles Lakers can also clinch with a few more losses by the disappointing Phoenix Suns, which would almost certainly also clinch an extremely boring postseason up until the LA-Boston rematch as well.


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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com