Tag:Matt Cassel
Posted on: March 3, 2009 9:23 am
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Cutler Pissed His Team Blew Chance To Get Cassel

Reports leaked over the weekend that the Denver Broncos made a trade offer to the New England Patriots to trade their starting QB Jay Cutler for Matt Cassel. The move would re-unite the Patriots quarterback with his offensive coordinator from last season, Josh McDaniel, now the head coach in Denver. But the move never went through and Cassel ended up going to the Kansas City Chiefs along with Mike Vrabel for a second round pick.

The reports got to Cutler, who is reportedly miffed at the deal, as it would have moved him to one of the greatest franchises in recent history.

"How could they screw up a deal like this?!" said Cutler to ESPN. "To find out I had a chance to play for the New England Patriots, it just blows my mind to think about. Now I'm stuck here in Denver for another year! I mean, this team hasn't won a playoff game since Elway left, and let's be honest here, I'm no Elway. I could have been on a team without a porous defense, an offensive line that knows how to block, and the coach that taught my rookie coach everything he knows!"

ESPN's Sal Paolantonio says Cutler is not speaking to Broncos management about the trade because he is so enraged. Apparently he has been trying to meet Tom Brady for years, and this would have finally made that possible. Cutler also says he is tired of having to throw so many balls to earn his multi-millions every year, and would look forward to the opportunity to earn it by simply sitting on a bench.

"I also can't believe they couldn't pull the trigger on getting a great quarterback like Matt Cassel! That guy was an amazing leader last year, and that's without starting for a decade or so! Just imagine what he could do now, and for a team as crappy as ours. Now you guys are stuck with me? Good luck with that...I've seen myself play, and...well...it's going to be a long couple of seasons for all you Broncos fans..."

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Posted on: February 5, 2009 11:06 am
 

0 Star Recruit To Decide Between CVS & Jr College

It's national signing day, and all recruits, even the lowest of them are on the radar of the college football faithful. None is perhaps more low on the ranking than Montana's Patrick Sutter, 3rd string quarterback of the Missoula High School Fighting Plastics Manufacturers. He had hoped that college scouts would look past his failing to start a single game in his career, due to the fact that competition is so tough at the Montana school.

It was thought he might be looked at like a Matt Cassel, who faced similarly tough competition at lowly programs USC and New England and couldn't get a starting job, but flourished when given a chance. But things didn't quite work out that way for Sutter, as he was not scouted by a school and even received a letter from Scouts Ltd. rating him at 0 stars.

"I think that these places are making a big mistake," said Sutter. "Just last week I set the high score in my xbox game of NCAA 09, I threw like 30 touchdowns. Now, I will admit that I had a cheatcode on for no gravity and rocket powered footballs, but I'm pretty sure if given the chance I'd be able to do that in real life as well."

But the fact he hasn't been recruited by anyone is not stopping the young man from holding a press conference to announce where he will sign after high school.

"This just narrows my options a bit, and contrary to what they've been talking about on SportsCenter every night, I have a lot of places offering me free rides. Right now I have offers from a CVS Pharmacy down the street to be assistant night manager, they told me I can start right away and can even call my own plays. I have a scholarship offer from Montana Community College for their Air Conditioning Repair program, which sounds like a program I might want to be a part of. Then there's this one from the Air Force, an actual division I school mind you! They say they will give me a completely free ride if I just go to Iraq for a little while. I'm sure I can play football in those desert conditions, so I'm fine with that."

With so many suitors after Sutter, it's hard to guess where he'll end up. His father is an alumnus of the local plastics factory, so he could end up going there as well in hopes of getting his hard hat and flannel shirt retired on the wall next to his old man. TSC will monitor the situation and have more as a decision is made.

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 9:51 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am
 

Bengals Try To Place Franchise Tag On Matt Cassel

The Cincinnati Bengals have been reprimanded today by the NFL for attempting to place their franchise tag on New England Patriots QB Matt Cassel. The Bengals submitted their franchise tag paperwork some time overnight with Cassel's name on it instead of one of their own players. The league sent a primer on how the franchise system works to head coach Marvin Lewis, much like the primer they had sent to all 53 players on their roster after they began the year 0-8 about how football works. The Patriots in turn used their franchise tag on Cassel legally.

"Look, they already have Tom Brady," said Bengals owner Mike Brown. "What are they going to do with a second great quarterback? At least let us have one! Our guy Carson Palmer can't make it through a game of Madden without getting injured! Obviously the rules are unfair if they are going to allow the Patriots to have both these guys out there at once next year. You wait and see, they will both be throwing touchdown passes at the same time and on the same play next year. That is just unfair! 14 points on one play! How are my Bengals ever supposed to get 14 points in 60 minutes to beat that score?!"

Matt Cassel made a brief statement after hearing the news of his almost move to Cincinnati. "Thank you, oh god thank you Patriots," was all he said in a statement released to the press.

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:19 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Patriots might have had a chance to beat the Dolphins this Sunday, but that was before they had to rely on Matt Cassel to throw the ball. They will be lucky if they can get 100 yards through the air.
  • To be Donovan McNabb must be great, you have a completely secure job as the franchise QB, everybody in Philadelphia loves you, and you don't have to spend time reading or knowing any of the NFL rulebook.
  • People in Cleveland have started to talk bad about Brady Quinn's play recently after a very good showing in his first NFL game, don't be surprised if Derek Anderson has to come on the field for a bit and remind their fans what bad quarterback play really looks like.
  • Apparently when you are a giant anthropomorphic Whopper from Burger King, you still somehow manage to get a really hot human wife. I don't know how that love making works, but there is a strangely rare lack of results when I type "burger porn" into a search engine. Someone needs to get to work on that type of website immediately, this is an untapped gold mine. Prospective names you can use: "Hold The Pickles", "Mayonaisse On The Side", "I'll Take It Medium Rare".
  • Shaun Alexander is returning to face Seattle for the first time since being cut. So far this season he has a stunning 24 total yards in five games. If only they hadn't cut such an integral part of the offense, they might not be 2-8. Look for him to rub it in their faces by running for 5 yards, and showing them what they are missing out on.
  • Say goodbye to your nice run Jets fans, it's time to face a team that can really put up some points, and all you've got to answer them with is that Favre guy.
  • I just realized that Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio's name in Spanish means Jack Of The River! That would be an awesome syndicated action-adventure series. His co-stars can be all these players from the Jags who obviously don't have much talent in football playing. Maybe they would be better actors instead.
  • Bud Light, the difference is drinkability. Remember when you tried to drink other liquids like Listerine, conola oil, a glass of urine, or that crazy water stuff and you threw it up everywhere? Well, you should have been drinking Bud Light, it is the one drinkable liquid. Every other beer you have to chew apparently.
  • If only the Lions were able to get a nice lead on a team, I'm sure they would be able to hold onto it...
  • T.O. is just not the same receiver he used to be, I remember when he would get 200 yard games like it was nothing. Now he is struggling just to make a first down. That will be bad for Dallas' chances this week.
  • I think the Colts not having a clutch kicker is going to haunt them at some point this season. Adam Vinatieri? I don't know who this scrub is, but they need to pick someone up before they need to kick a long one to win a game.
  • Ah! Hurry everyone, abondon this Cardinals bandwagon we are all floating on! We appear to have hit an iceberg called the New York Giants! We are sinking back into the pack of mediocre NFC teams! See if some of us can get a ride on the U.S.S. Falcons for a few weeks!

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Posted on: October 14, 2008 9:40 am
Edited on: October 14, 2008 9:49 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • JaMarcus Russell will somehow manage to complete 40% of his passes, despite the fact he is playing against the extremely tough Saints defense.
  • The thing that has impressed me the most about the improved Miami Dolphins this season, is just how good their defense performs when the clock is ticking down.
  • Alright PCs, you win! Your commercials are now more annoying and repetitive than Apple's! You can stop now!
  • Packers fans are going to be wishing they still had Brett Favre after watching Aaron Rodgers struggle while Favre carves up another horrible defense.
  • Being the only healthy player left on the entire Eagles roster, Donovan McNabb is going to have a very tough game. While he might throw a few long touchdowns to himself, I don't think he has a very consistent kicking leg.
  • I like the Cardinals on offense and defense, but their special teams aren't very special.
  • Barack Obama is friends with terrorists, he is responsible for the current economic crisis, and he also hates kittens. If you elect him the economy will be destroyed, all your pets will be dead, and terrorists will be coming over for sleepovers at the white house. Do you want a President staying up late playing truth or dare with Osama Bin Laden? Think about it... I'm John McCain, and I approve this message.
  • Those forced to watch the horrid Vikings-Lions game might just have to turn over to hockey so they can actually get some scoring.
  • Matt Cassel is just as good as Tom Brady. I can see this Patriots team running the table...
  • Ha! Some fool actually took Maurice Jones-Drew off my hands! That guy never gets any carries!
  • There's something about John McCain's healthcare plan that he isn't telling you, and that's that he would tax your internet porn to pay for it. That's money you would pay each time you log on to ease the pain of a close loss to a division rival. Money you would pay each time you tell your wife you'll be to bed soon, just as soon as you download the "attachments" Larry from work just sent. Sure, it would balance the budget and provide enough money to fund new schools in every state. But it would drive every man in this country broke. And because of that, we just can't afford John McCain...I'm Barack Obama, and I approve this message.
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: September 27, 2008 9:17 am
Edited on: September 27, 2008 9:19 am
 

Brady Visits Dr. Seuss To Get Opinion On Kneefus


The team doctor of the New England Patriots had originally diagnosed Tom Brady with a torn ACL and MCL after his week one injury. It was thought his season might be done forever, but word out of Foxboro is that Brady might be able to return to the field as early as next month. Brady flew out yesterday to Alabama to meet with Dr. James Seuss, one of the foremost authorities on joint injuries.

"Well Mr. Brady, the news is not good," Dr. Seuss told him after taking some x-rays. "There's something in your joint, and be worried you should. Most doctors think this is a knee, but that's quite untrue to be, the rest of them all have the brains of a flea. It's actually a kneefus, and injuries to it are as rare as the baseball pitch eephus."

"Uh, so it can be fixed then?" said a skeptical Brady.

"They probably said no, but I say of course! My surgical skills are an unstoppable force! When it's a broken kneefus you've got, there's only one cure! It starts with the extract of a young Snaggleburr! From there we put in the liver of healthy Fhiqiment. It's to replace the torn parts of your broken down ligament!"

Brady agreed to the procedure, and it is scheduled to take place next week. It is the first known kneefus operation ever attempted on an NFL player, but Brady hopes it will enable him to get on the field quickly. "I am very confident in the recovery time," said Brady. "Dr. Seuss told me I would be back in a jiffy, and in the mean time while healing I'd be on drugs that gave me a mighty stiffy. So, I'm kind of excited on both accounts..."

Others are questioning the validity of Dr. Seuss, who was asked by reporters what tools he will be using in the operation to insert the Snaggleburr and the Fhiqiment. "Well, my major tool for this operation will be my imagination! It should be powerful enough to get me through any complication!" said Seuss. When they questioned what other tools he might have, maybe ones in the real world, he replied "I've also got a hammer and a philip's head screwdriver around here somewhere."

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