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Tag:Miami Heat
Posted on: July 22, 2010 7:52 am
 

ESPN's Favre - Make The [BEEP]ing Decision Specia

by Matt Webb

Just a few weeks ago, almost 10 million people inexplicably tuned in to ESPN to watch LeBron James announce where he would be playing basketball this fall. Banking on the success of that show and out of frustration with the perpetual indecision of Brett Favre, ESPN announced this week that they will be spinning off a new decision special that they are calling “Brett Favre - Make This [CENSORED]ing Decision, [CENSORED]hole.”

According to the announcement, the show will feature an interview in which a grizzled Favre refuses to provide specific answers to any questions, and talks about how much his body is hurting these days. We will also see highlights of Favre stretching, jogging around a track and throwing passes to high school wide receivers and/or guys wearing Wrangler blue jeans.

The show will offer cameos by individuals personally affected by Favre’s indecisiveness, like his wife, Deanna, Viking season ticket holders, millions of fantasy football players who plan to waste a first round pick on Favre, and a local Hattiesburg, MS bakery owner who refuses to dedicate any more time or money to yet another Favre retirement cake.

In the show’s climactic conclusion, Coach Brad Childress will show up outside Favre’s door with two huge Viking defensive linemen who will then proceed to literally put Favre’s nuts into a vice until he reveals his decision about returning to the NFL. “I’m tired of this s**t!” said Coach Childress, “How am I supposed to sleep at night when I keep having visions of an offense led by Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?!?! I swear if it comes to that, we are just gonna snap the ball to Adrian Peterson.”

ESPN says the special's broadcast date and time will be announced soon.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 21, 2010 7:47 am
 

Laettner Says He Would Have Played With Anyone

Michael Jordan's comments on Monday and Magic Johnson's today, that they would never have even thought about switching teams to combine their talents with another NBA superstar, have caused quite a buzz amongst those in sports media. But one star is coming out to remind everyone that he would have played with anyone, any time, and anywhere to win a world title.

Christian Laettner, the player who bounced around between 6 NBA teams over the course of his 13-year NBA career, says he would have gladly played with Bird, Magic, or Jordan.

"I don't know what all this fuss is about not wanting to play with other stars," said Laettner in an interview. "I bounced around between so many horrible teams, I was salivating at any chance to win. I played for the Timberwolves, Hawks, and Wizards for Pete's sake! If I could have been Bird's water boy, I would have left one of those teams immediately to go to the Celtics."

"It wouldn't even need to be a superstar I left to go play for, I just want people to like me. If you've got a decent team of guys at the gym after work, give me a call. If you're playing NBA 2K11 on Playstation and need someone to be the second player, let me know."

"It doesn't even have to be basketball! If you're throwing a birthday party and need someone to play a large dinosaur in a suit, please call 1-800-LAETTNER! Unlike those other selfish superstars, I will be a part of any team!"

Laettner then proceeded to apologize to any superstars he may have offended, saying he wanted to still be invited if they should ever have a pickup game, or just want to watch a romantic comedy together, or something like that. Whatever it is superstars do.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 17, 2010 11:22 am
 

Sausage Signs With Miami Heat, Infuriating Brewer

Another piece of the latest NBA superteam was revealed today down in South Beach. The Miami Heat announced today that they had signed the Milwaukee Brewers Kielbasa to a 4 year dear at the league minimum. It's being seen as a major coup for Miami to get such a strong player at a cheap price, but the Kielbasa's agent said his client took the deal because of the chance to win an NBA championship.

For those who haven't been following the Brewers regular sausage races during home games, the Kielbasa has soundly dominated the competition this year, to the tune of the best record in the open sausage race era. There was a lot of speculation on if he would resign with Milwaukee or field offers from teams like Washington who wanted him to race dead ex-presidents. But he surprised everyone and even switched sports to basketball.

"This is a move I make with a heavy heart," said the anthropomorphic frankfurter. "This city and this team has been very good to me, but I just saw a great opportunity to win a championship down in Miami, and had to jump at it."

Mark Attanasio, owner of the Brewers, wrote a scathing letter to season ticket holders, talking about the betrayal of their franchise sausage.

"This is a day that will forever be remembered as the day Milwaukee's biggest star turned his back on us all. I can not believe that our best player would just leave like this. Obviously, by the product that's out there on the field, no one is coming to see our guys play baseball. They are here to see sausages race. Children are going to be crying in the stands when they realize all they have to look at now is a Chorizo..."

Indeed, things don't bode well for the remaining sausage roster in Milwaukee. Aside from the aforementioned Chorizo they have a Hot Dog, Italian Sausage, and Bratwurst, all minimum salary players who the franchise brought in to surround and support the play of the Kielbasa. ESPN 2's Sausage Tonight took a look at the ramifications of the trade, and said this could be a move that hurts Milwaukee for years to come, as well as virtually assures they will not make the sausage playoffs anytime soon.

Heat president Pat Riley said that the signing gives them the last piece of their puzzle. 

"We had a point guard to run this team in Dwyane Wade, we had a shooter in LeBron James, and we had a big in Chris Bosh. Everyone knows the only other thing you need to win a championship in this league is a strong sausage to fill out your roster. This team just became 50% better, and 200% more delicious."

The Los Angeles Lakers' Beer Brat says Pat Riley's formula is obviously true, and he looks forward to facing Kielbasa in next year's NBA Finals.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:29 am
 

Entire City Of Cleveland To Leave Ohio For Miami

"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 9, 2010 7:40 am
 

Knicks Dumping Cap Space For LeBron in 2016

The New York Knicks have decided it's not too early to start preparing once again to make a run at LeBron James. Team president Donnie Walsh announced immediately after "The Decision" was made that they had cut new signee Amar'e Stoudamire in an effort to make cap space available for LeBron James in 2016.

The team has long been speculated to have dumped salary and good players over the last 5 years to be able to land LeBron this summer, but he seemed largely uninterested in their advances. Now they are getting ready to do it all over again.

"We will not stop until he is where he belongs in New York," said Walsh. "We will take a 33 year old LeBron on this team, we don't care if his skills are diminished to nothingness. And if we don't get him in 2016, we'll wait six more years and try for 39 year old LeBron. I have already cleared as much cap as possible so that he will have a place on this team by then."

Indeed, the Knicks have cut all their players effective immediately, so they can slowly burn off whatever cap hits they might take. They will be forced to forfeit all games for the next six years, but they and their fans think it's worth it.

"Knowing this team, we'll probably win as many games forfeiting every one, as we would have playing them," said Knicks fan Spike Lee.

But they're not the only team getting ready to pursue LeBron James again. The Los Angeles Clippers, after largely being an afterthought in the James Lottery, have said they will take a shot at 54 year old LeBron in the year 2038.

"We know by then no one else will want him and we will finally have a real shot at this great player," said the Clippers team president. "There were some great babies born this year that are going to be a part of the 2038 Clippers team, and we are going to be ready with the cap space to pair them with you LeBron. We are going to beat everyone else to the punch by getting started right now on wooing him. We've already scheduled reservations at a very fancy L.A. steakhouse that hasn't even opened yet."

LeBron James has already announced a 3 hour special for the year 2038 where he will announce his decision on ESPN 5D.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 8, 2010 7:59 am
 

Confused Old Racist Hoping To Win A LeBron At 9PM

Mary Watkins of Billings, Montana told the local paper today that she is hopeful she will win tonight's LeBron James lottery.

"I am told he'll make his decision tonight on who he'll be signing with, and it could be anybody" said Mrs. Watkins in a phone interview. "I don't know anything about him or basketball, but I've always wanted to own a black man, and everyone seems to think this LeBron James is the best one of those. I can't wait! I can't believe he's just going to sign with anybody live on national TV! This is so exciting!"

Mary, is a well known racist in Billings, who has tried repeatedly to order a black person from shopping website Amazon.com, only to have two accounts closed by their customer service department. She also is the only member of the town's White History Month committee, responsible for creating events that celebrate the struggles of the caucasian people.

When asked why she should be favored over the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, or New York Knicks for LeBron, she cited her delicious lemonade recipe she promises to make for him every day if he completes his farm work. She also said that he wouldn't have to work with so many scary black people at her house, like he would on an NBA team.

When LeBron was asked for comment on Mrs. Watkins hope to purchase him into slavery he said "Who knows where I'm going to sign! It could be with this whacked out white lady! You'll have to tune in tonight at 9PM, only on ESPN, to find out!"

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 2, 2010 8:00 am
 

GM Unhappy W/ What Wife Brought Home From Market

New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh waited patiently at the house as his wife came back from the first day of the open free agent market. When she arrived with the groceries, he followed her into the kitchen to see what she brought home.

Donnie - "Hi honey, what did you pick up today at the market?"

Wife - "Well, I got you some of your favorites here, I got you a Chris Bosh and a Joe Johnson!"

Donnie - "A Joe Johnson! Honey you shouldn't have!"

He rushes over to see what else is in the bag and begins pulling out his new players. But then he sees something and looks surprised.

Donnie - "Whoa, what in the hell is this? A Richard Jefferson?! Why would you buy one of these?"

Wife - "Look, we have a little extra cap room this year, I didn't think it would hurt. And as we were checking out Little Billy saw him sitting there and really wanted one...You know how he can be. I just threw it in the basket!"

Donnie - "Damn it woman, Gregg Popovich has been telling everyone at the office how these Richard Jeffersons are pieces of junk! Very unreliable, always breaking down...and now we have one! I hope you got the extended warranty!"

Wife - "I...I...didn't..."

Donnie - "Oh my god, I need a Carlos Boozer...I hope you at least got a six pack of that..."

Wife - "Oh, the Carlos Boozer...I knew I forgot something!"

Donnie - "What? You know I like to relax after a long day at the office with an ice cold Carlos Boozer! Well did they have any of what I sent you there for? Did they have any LeBron James?"

Wife - "No...they were sold out."

Donnie - "Sold out! I told you to pre-order that thing on launch day! First the iPhone 4, now this! All the other GM's are going to laugh at me!"

Wife - "I was told they might have more stock of LeBron Jameses in 6 years or so..."

Donnie - "I don't want a LeBron James in 6 years, I want one now! He's going to be all old and washed up in 6 years! This is the last time I send you to the free agent market alone...but at least we have a little cap room left."

Wife - "About that..."

Donnie - "What else did you buy? Another purse? A new pair of shoes?!"

Wife - "I got a...Shaq..."

She pulls Shaq out of the paper bag, and he waves at Donnie Walsh. 

Donnie - "A Shaq?!?!?! No one wants him! What am I going to do with him?!"

Wife - "Well...he's not for you or the Knicks...he's for me..."

Shaq - "I'm gonna show her the Shaqtus."

Shaq takes her by the hand and leads her out of the kitchen, while Donnie stands there, mouth agape.

SportsComedian.com 

Posted on: July 1, 2010 8:00 am
 

Milwaukee Bucks Secretly Sign All Free Agents

The NBA talk shows and websites have been abuzz the past several months with where exactly LeBron James will end up next season. That buzz has only intensified over the course of the last several weeks, as we come down to the wire on a time when he will have to make his decision. But one team has quietly used all that publicity to make a big move that will surely shake up the NBA next year.

The Milwaukee Bucks announced today that while every other team is bickering and fighting over LeBron James, they have secretly signed all 42 other NBA free agents. The move doesn't ensure they will have the best team next year, but certainly the largest.

"We have won the free agency game," said GM John Hammond in a press conference today. "Paul Pierce? Got him. Dirk Nowitzki? He's ours. Chris Bosh? He's one of our 11 centers we now have on this roster. Everyone was out there trying to lure in LeBron, and we snuck in and got everyone else! The power is ours!"

He then let out a loud prolonged supervillain laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The move puts the Bucks at well over the roster limit with 51 active players on their roster, and offering everyone lucrative enough contracts to come immediately means their payroll is at around $500 million dollars. But Hammond isn't worried, saying he is just happy they won free agency, and he's sure they can figure out all the numbers later.

It was unknown how Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh would work together on the Miami Heat if they were to end up there, but it's even more unknown how the 2 dozen superstars on the Bucks will be able to co-exist. It's predicted each player will only see about 4-6 minutes per game, even if they are a starter.

"One thing's for sure, we're gonna have a great bench," said Hammond. "Well, I guess I should say benches, or on second thought I'll probably need to buy us some bleachers for the sideline."

One lucky fan was even able to capitalize on the Bucks willingness to sign any free agent. Nick Davies, an Apple Store employee from Milwaukee is now a member of the roster after a little deception. "So I was just walking by their offices at the arena, and I saw a sign saying "Welcome Free Agents". I went in, put my name down, and sure enough I'm now making $3 million dollars next year to play Power Forward! I'm only 5 foot 4! I love it!"

The NBA is still reviewing the legitimacy of the 42 free agent pickups.

SportsComedian.com 

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com