Tag:NASCAR
Posted on: July 29, 2010 7:54 am
 

Justin Bieber Throws First Pitch And Then No-No

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:09 am
 

NASCAR Race Almost Has Totally Rad Fatal Accident

The NASCAR event Sunday at Talladega ended in dramatic fashion as Carl Edwards car flipped into the air after making contact on the final lap. The crowd and viewers at home roared as the wreck began, as they had waited all day to see something exciting like this happen, but were saddened as the car only bounced into the protective fence and back onto the track.

"Man, this wreck could have been so cool," said one fan watching at home. "A whole car almost made it into the stands where it could have smashed a bunch of people, and made the whole boring race worth watching. But no, only a little debris made it up there and hit an old lady. I saw the slow motion on the hit, and her head didn't explode or anything. I heard she has a concussion, but that certainly isn't very exciting..."

NASCAR appologized to fans for having a defective fence around the track.

"We designed this thing to give way so that we can have maximum awesomeness when a car comes off the track," said Talladega president Ron Gardner. "Something is obviously wrong here because this thing held. We had fans in that front row that paid big money for the chance to get crushed by a ton of steel, and they were let down today. We're going to work on guaranteeing possible death in the future, as it should be."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: February 17, 2009 11:29 am
 

NASCAR Calls Season 35 Races Early Due To Rain

Early this morning, rain began falling at NASCAR headquarters in Daytona Beach, FL. Officials took a look at the hard downpour, checked forecasts, did some deliberation, and then finally called the season with 35 races still to go. Fans with tickets to future events were understandably angry at the decision, as they wanted to see the drivers race it out. Luckily for Matt Kenseth, due to his winning of the rain-shortened Daytona 500, he was declared the Sprint Cup Series Champion for 2009.

"Well, I'm just in the right place at the right time," said Kenseth. "I, like all the fans, would have liked to finish this season, but these are the rules. It's been an action packed year, and I hope to see everyone again in 12 months for the 2010 cup chase, which I hope will be just as wild as this one has been."

NASCAR officials stepped out in front of what could be a big backlash about their decision to end the season on account of weather.

"Look, this rain could go on for several hours here at Daytona, where we have another race coming up in July," they said in a statement released to the press. "We also checked weather reports for racetracks we are going to be at for the next 3 weeks, and they all said chance of rain. We even talked to a meteorologist, and he said it could rain any day of the year, really. So, we just can't put our drivers at risk in conditions like that, it's too dangerous."

The press release said that NASCAR would look into revamping its weather related rules next season, or maybe add a few indoor tracks to the schedule. Despite the fact that the carbon monoxide fumes would kill everyone inside, it might be nice to finish a race every once in awhile.

EA Sports has also unveiled NASCAR Rain Delay 09, where you can control a fan in attendance at a rain postponed NASCAR event. You control what type of umbrella you use to keep from getting wet, and what activities you do to avoid getting bored while waiting for the inevitable cancellation, all in stunning next gen high definition graphics. They say this year's rain and water engine will be so lifelike, it will be just like the tears streaming down a race fan's face when they realize their Super Bowl of the season has been ended only 3/4 of the way through.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: September 16, 2008 10:10 am
Edited on: September 16, 2008 10:39 am
 

Photo Finish Proves M&Ms Better Than Office Depot

It took a photo finish at New Hampshire Motor Speedway yesterday, but Kyle Busch finally proved that M&M's are a better candy than Office Depot. The debate had raged for years which was the better candy, but all the talk was finally put to rest as Kyle Busch drove his number 18 car past Carl Edwards to take the narrow win. "People just prefer the taste of M&M's," said Busch after the win. "When you bite in to an M&M you taste the delicious chocolate, and maybe peanut or peanut butter depending on the variety you choose. When you take a bite of an Office Depot, you taste a three-hole punch and an office chair. That's no good, I mean I love a stapler pie on Thanksgiving as much as the next person. But for everyday enjoyment, nothing beats an M&M."

Carl Edwards was down-trodden at the revelation. "I used to ask my mom for candy all the time, and each time I did she would take me down to Office Depot and tell me it was better than candy. Now this race result proves that she never truly loved me."

SportsComedian.com
Posted on: September 4, 2008 9:39 am
Edited on: September 4, 2008 9:47 am
 

NBC NASCAR For Knight Rider Driven By Computer

NBC has just unveiled their new sponsored car for the upcoming NASCAR season, featuring promotional art for their new drama series Knight Rider. They have also revealed that as a promotional tie-in to the show, the vehicle will be piloted not by a driver, but by a sentient computer in the car. Several other veteran drivers have questioned the decision of NASCAR to allow this to take place.

But NASCAR officials claim it is perfectly legal within the established rules as long as a driver is present in the car at all times. NBC says it will have one in there, not to drive, but to engage in witty banter with the computer and possibly investigate any crimes that are perpetrated on the track. The computerized vehicle is said to have laser cannons, machine guns, and some other gadgets built into it, but NBC says the car will probably not use any of them during the race. If it does have to use them, it will only be against a driver no one likes, such as David Reutimann. They will make sure that he is killed in an exciting way that satisfies both those in attendance and the audience at home.

SportsComedian.com
 
 
 
 
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