Tag:NCAA Basketball
Posted on: July 15, 2010 7:35 am

March Madness Expands To 1367.5 Teams

The NCAA announced that March Madness is going to be getting a whole lot more mad next year, as they expand to 1367.5 teams in an effort to boost revenue and ratings. The move was met with groans from the general sports media, who questioned the logistics outlined in the NCAA's unveiling presentation today.

Apparently pretty much any basketball team in the country, organized or unorganized, will be making the March tournament. Only next year, it won't just be contained to one month. Organizers say that the new tournament will now span three years. That is how much time will be needed for the 42 regional sites, up from the traditional four, to conduct their brackets.

"We have never been more behind an idea than this one," said NCAA President Bill Whitford. "We have had so many good teams just miss out on making this tournament, this will ensure none ever do again! Just imagine people's brackets they are going to get to fill out at work. I'd advise all managers to maybe schedule a company holiday or two in March so they can get all the names down all that thing. And also to invest in a lot more paper, they are going to need lots of room to draw this bracket out."

Due to the sheer number of teams in next year's tournament, it is expected to actually take a year and a half to finish. The final few rounds will actually overlap with the following year's tournament, but NCAA management doesn't feel it's a problem.

"People love watching March Madness basketball!" continued Whitford. "Now they can have Summer Madness basketball! It will be on in the middle of the night! Nonstop college action! CBS has already cancelled all original programming they were hoping to show next year, and instead will just be airing games 24/7. Needless to say, they are very excited about this expansion as well."

A lot has been made of the number they chose to expand to. 1367.5, which they confirmed today means that one team will only get to field half a roster on the court.

"Look, now that we are allowing over a thousand teams into this thing. If you're the last team on the list, you're clearly no good. As punishment for that, you only get to bring half your team. But just think of the upset, should the 1367.5 seed beat the number one seed! It would be complete anarchy! That's just one of the many additions our new format will provide."


Posted on: April 7, 2009 10:47 am

You Decline Arizona Head Coaching Job

After coaches from USC, Xavier, and seemingly everyone turned down the head coaching position with the Arizona Wildcats last week, officials from the school made a last ditch offer to you to take over the prestigious program. They were most impressed by your ability to yell at the TV, regardless of who is playing, and tell them exactly what they should have done, 5 seconds after they do the wrong thing.

"That kind of coaching moxy is exactly what we need at Arizona," said school president Rich McDougle. "We also like that you picked us to get out of the first round on your bracket, and you spend most of your time at work bashing players on internet message boards. It shows you really know personnel in college basketball."

McDougle offered you a $2 million per year deal for eight years. But, after thinking it over and weighing the options with your family, you decided to decline the position and stay at your job as a data entry specialist for a pharmaceuticals company.

"After carefully thinking about the opportunity presented to me by the great University of Arizona, I will have to respectfully decline the position," you said in a statement from your posh one bedroom apartment. "I just think I need to stay where I'm at right now. I've put a lot into this current job, and I need to see it through. I made promises to Bob and Sam in accounting that I would be there for them, and I'm not going to break those promises.

"There's also the issue of money," you continued. "When you make $2 million per year, you're looking at a whole lot of taxes. I'm going to stay at the $35k I'm currently making and not have to pay all those crazy taxes. Also my wife would probably be out spending whatever I make over that $35k. Plus they told me I wouldn't be able to browse the internet all day at the office, and I'd be spending most of my time in a gym. That's just not something I can commit to. I've never stepped foot in a gym except for this one time I was lost and thought it was one of those wing restaurants where the girls wear sports bras and spandex. I was so frightened when they tried to get me to come on a treadmill."

Your wife was said to be disappointed in the decision and was quoted as saying "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch."

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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:29 am

Man Still Trying To Find People For Women's Pool

A local office manager is putting the word out that he is still looking for people interested in doing a women's NCAA tournament pool, despite the fact there are only 4 teams left. He was undeterred by the lack of response for his NIT bracket and 128-person French Open bracket pools.

"Look," said Fernando Castronovik. "I told everyone this thing would be just as fun as the men's bracket, only with women. I know a lot of people complained that they didn't know anything about women's basketball, but you've heard of some of these schools! Connecticut is on here, even Louisville!

"I know people were nervous about having to size up Prairie View and Lehigh, but they are already out. Just fill out your bracket with these four teams, and we're good. You have a one in four chance to win for Pete's sake! It will be fun!"

But his co-workers have been skeptical about committing to an addition bracket pool since the beginning.

"I just don't know if I can make any more uneducated guesses about basketball teams," said office worker Kerry Reyes. "At least with men's basketball I can pretend I know about these teams despite only really following my alma mater, Duke, and North Carolina. I can rely on my knowledge of those three teams plus steal opinions from bracket pundits and claim them as my own. But with women's basketball, it's a total crapshoot. It's like bizarro world on that bracket. Stanford? How did they get to the final four?"

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Posted on: March 31, 2009 9:50 am

Griffin Twitters About Awesome Shot During Game

Twitter, the service that allows you to tell friends and followers what you are currently doing, has become all the rage with celebrities and the media over the last few months. But no one had seen anything like Blake Griffin's Twitter page on Sunday as he pulled out a cellphone while on the court to update his page live.

He made such insightful posts such as: "I am dribbling a ball", "I am jumping in the air right now, I'm so glad my parents weren't white", "I'm so high up in the air right now, the people below me look like ants", "Whoa shit, those actually are ants, that explains the 6 legs. They really need to clean this place up.", "I am dunking the ball through the net, and now I will hang on it while celebrating!" The commentators for the game marveled at Griffin's performance, both on the court and his ability to type so quickly.

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Posted on: February 5, 2009 10:36 am
Edited on: February 5, 2009 10:39 am

Dickie V Hospitalized Following Exciting Game

(By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb)

Marjorie Eisen, a spokesperson for Wake Forest University Medical Center confirmed today that Dick Vitale, noted ESPN Broadcaster and college basketball lover, remains hospitalized at the Winston-Salem facility for observation. Eisen revealed, however, that Vitale was in “good spirits” and is recovering nicely following what was for him a dangerous and potentially lethal mix of Viagra and ACC basketball.

According to Vitale’s announcing partner, Mike Patrick, Vitale seemed even more excited than normal about the prime time match-up between #1 Duke and #4 Wake Forest on Wednesday night. “Before the tip I noticed him popping some little blue pills, but I assumed they were just breath mints or something. When the game started, he just kept going on and on about how big the game was, and how intense it was getting out there. He said he couldn’t wait to see how the Duke players would react to the banging they were getting down low. It wasn’t so much what he was saying, but it was the tone of his voice that was starting to freak me out a little, all husky. But when he said he was really turned on by the aggressiveness of Duke’s players and the way they always played really hard, I thought that was a little strange. What do you say to that?”

Apparently at halftime, the normally gregarious Vitale refused to stand up, walk around and interact with the crowd, telling Patrick that he “better just sit here for a little while and try to calm down.” Near the end of the second half, Vitale was apparently so aroused by the all “PTPers” and “Diaper Dandies” on the court that everyone in the arena began to take note of his excitement. After one especially nice “dipsy-doo dunkeroo” a Wake fan noticed that Vitale “got this glazed-over look in his eyes and a weird smile on his face. I think I’ve had that look before, but never, ever from watching a basketball game.”

Just as the game was reaching its climax, a nationwide audience heard Vitale screaming “THIS IS UNBELEVIABLE, BABY!!! IT’S INCREDIBLE!!! IT’S AWESOME WITH A CAPITAL A!!! IT’S. . .IT’S. . .OH, OH, OH MY. . .” just before he flipped out of his chair, collapsing to the gym floor where he continued to convulse. Medical Personal and a janitor were immediately dispatched to the scene and Vitale was rushed to the hospital for emergency treatment.

“Mr. Vitale is very lucky,” said Eison. “This exciting game combined with an ED prescription just proved to be more than a man of Mr. Vitale’s age with an incredibly unhealthy interest in college basketball could handle. We will continue to monitor him until his. . .until the medication he took completely wears off.”

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Posted on: April 9, 2008 2:44 pm
Edited on: April 9, 2008 2:45 pm

Self Signs With Supermarket To Coach Cashiering

Bill Self, championship winning coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, today announced that he has signed a deal to coach at a Piggly Wiggly Supermarket in western Oklahoma. It was believed that Self was mulling a very lucrative offer from his alma mater Oklahoma State to come and coach there next season, but now he has given that up as well to return farther back to his roots. Piggly Wiggly is where it all began for Self, serving as a bagger and eventually a cashier. "I'm very excited to be able to go back to a place that I love and teach the young people how to play the cashier game the right way. Also the elderly and the mildly retarded, there are a lot of them at the supermarket as well."

It's going to be a tough transition for Self, who hasn't coached a register since he was 17. "I'm going to have to adjust, there's no questioning that. But the game isn't all that different. Sure they have computer screens and credit card readers now, but it's still all about speed and teamwork. You make a quick pass of the package of chicken breasts to the bagger and he dunks it into a paper bag, that's a thing of beauty. The registering game today is all about showmanship and superstars, I wanna teach these kids about teamwork."

The supermarket branch is reportedly paying Self close to $10 million to coach there, most of it supplied by one of their boosters, Z. June Perkins. Perkins is the owner of Perkins restaurants, who is now a billionaire due to the fact he is able to charge people $8.99 for a plate of pancakes and people actually pay it. He shops at the store on a regular basis and invests heavily in it. "I want to see this store do well. This is my store, and if I want to donate money to make it the best, I'm damn well gonna do just that."

This is just the latest move by Perkins to renovate the store. He also is responsible for the Z. June Perkins breakroom, a state of the smoke break facility made entirely of 24 ct. gold. "We are going to make this place a beacon to the rest of the grocery world," said Perkins. "Everyone will know that we are the premiere supermarket in the country and perhaps the world. When I come in to buy my Metamucil and Ensure, I'm gonna have the greatest experience anywhere. Very exciting."


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