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Tag:NFL Draft
Posted on: June 6, 2009 11:56 am
 

Detroit Lions Try To Send Culpepper To Minors

The Detroit Lions today announced that veteran quarterback Daunte Culpepper has been designated for minor league assignment today. This leaves the starting job open for the taking by overall number one pick Matthew Stafford. The move is a strange one, considering there is not currently nor has there ever been a minor league system in the NFL.

"What? We don't have a minor league system?" said team president Tom Lewand. "Look, I obviously don't know all that much about football from the results you've seen on the field here. But, when we told Culpepper we were sending him to the minors he just left and went somewhere. We're not sure exactly where he went to, but he's not with our team anymore, and that's the important thing."

Indeed, Culpepper's whereabouts are currently unknown. Authorities have begun searching small towns in the Detroit area in an attempt to find him, as they believe he could be wandering the streets looking for a minor league franchise. They believe they will find him in no time, they just have to follow the interceptions.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:33 am
 

NFL Draft Lettering: Part I

The 2009 NFL Draft is now in the books and we here at TSC take a look at all the hits and misses from the event. Everyone seems intent on assigning letter grades to everything, but we are just going to assign letters. Maybe it's because we like thinking out of the box, maybe it's because we remember the horrid grades we got in school. In either case, here are the breakdowns of the first half of the teams in the draft.
  • Atlanta Falcons: They went defense heavy in their draft picks, 7 of 8 of them were defensive players, which is good because this team runs a defensive formation quite a bit. They love it so much they use a defensive formation every time the other team comes out on offense. Good choices for that scheme.
    D For Defense Is Half The Battle, G.I. Joe!
  • Baltimore Ravens: Traded four picks to the New England Patriots in exchange for 3 of theirs. They gave them a first and a fifth for the Pats first round pick and a fourth and a sixth for two fifth rounders. Even though it was less picks overall, and they only gained a few spots of positioning in that first round, they got three New England Patriots picks! And everyone knows those are always the best ones.
    I For It Must Be The Picks
  • Buffalo Bills: A very disappointing bunch of players selected by the Bills. Yes, they are all very talented individuals who scouts agree have a lot of upside. But they are now all going to play for the Buffalo Bills, and we know how that usually turns out.
    A For Any Bills Draft Class Is A Bad Draft Class
  • Carolina Panthers: The Panthers got a Corvey Irvin from Georgia in the third round, but I don't think he's going to be able to fit well into their system. They are panthers, fierce jungle cats, and he is a Georgia Bulldog. Dogs and cats do not mesh well together in a defensive backfield, everybody knows that. They also got a seminole indian, a gamecock, and an anthropomorphic orange. I don't see any chemistry between these mascots whatsoever.
    C For Cats And Dogs, Living Together, Mass Hysteria!
  • Chicago Bears: Their draft has to be termed a success, because they avoided any of the mistakes they have made in past drafts, mainly they didn't take anyone named Rex Grossman. They might finally be ready to turn this thing around.
    G For Goodbye Grossman
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Cincinnati drafted extremely well, and went after just the positions they are weakest at...Which is, of course, all of them.
    N For Not On Our Team Means Better Than Anyone Actually On Our Team
  • Cleveland Browns: The Browns traded down three seperate times in the draft for lower picks. If I had been responsible for their previous draft day decisions, I would be a little antsy about actually making a pick too.
    P For Picking Scares Me
  • Dallas Cowboys: They got an insane twelve picks this year, and used them to fill up a lot of holes on both sides of the ball. They got some new linebackers and defensive ends to use in their 3-4 scheme, and they even picked up a kicker in the fifth round who will help them transition to their innovative new 3-4-1 scheme with a kicker thrown in the backfield just in case something needs to be kicked immediately.
    O For Offenses Better Start Wearing A Cup
  • Denver Broncos: Well, they lost their quarterback in the offseason to Chicago, so naturally they will use one of their first picks to get a new one...RB, LB, CB, FS...still looking...TE, WR...Oh! There is is, in the 6th round they picked up someone called Tom Brandstater. I'm sure that will work wonderfully.
    B For Brandstater To The Rescue
  • Detroit Lions: They got a great pick in Matthew Stafford and for the first time in many years, draft experts had positive things to say about their selections. All they had to do to finally accomplish this was lose all 16 games last year. If they can just do that for another 4-5 seasons, they might finally put together a team that doesn't lose by 30 points every Thanksgiving.
    P For Please Give Us A New Turkey Day Team
  • Green Bay Packers: B.J. Raji, their first round selection, was reported to have failed a drug test at the combine. It was apparently untrue, but the Packers had already made their decision. They want this player who can hopefully finally make their team somewhat cool after having an old white dude who sells blue jeans as the face of their franchise for 17 years.
    J For Jeans Just Aren't Very Cool
  • Houston Texans: They picked up a tight end in the fourth round and then took another tight end less than thirty picks later in the fifth round. Sometimes you just have to give up and call a player a bust before you even get to the next round. Sorry Anthony Hill, it's time to go in a new direction this round.
    T For Tight End City, Texas
  • Indianapolis Colts: You don't even need to really look at the names on the Indianapolis Colts draft board. Whoever they are, it seems they always turn out good.
  • Who Cares How We Drafted, We're The Colts

  • Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags picked up nearly 1200 pounds of man in the first three rounds. That's even more than Denver, and they had five selections just in the first and second. Their plan is obviously to destroy the food reserves of any city they visit by eating everything in sight.
    H For Hide The Food
  • Kansas City Chiefs: They got a good punter in Ryan Succop in the seventh who can challenge starter Dustin Colquitt for the job. Everyone always loves a preseason open punting competition, and punting will be the only way the Chiefs will be getting the ball down the field this season with the roster they have, so this job is the most important.
    P For Punts Are What It's All About

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: April 28, 2009 9:15 am
 

Cowboys Draft New Captain To Improve Coin Tosses

The Dallas Cowboys took Texas A&M's Stephen McGee in the fourth round of this years NFL Draft in order to shore up the weakest part of their game last year, the coin toss. The Cowboys ranked dead last in coin toss calls, with their record standing at 0-8.

They started the year with Tony Romo as team captain, but his heavily tails favoring coin calls led to the other team choosing which side they wanted each and every game. They made a switch late in the season to Jason Witten, but he fared no better. The coaching staff made coin tosses the focus of voluntary minicamps this offseason, with an entire week spent on practicing flipping coins in the air, making sure they know how to say both "heads" and "tails", and learning the history of minted coins in general.

But the Cowboys management decided it was time to go in a new direction at the position of team captain and drafted McGee, a tough coin guesser from the Big 12 Conference. Mel Kiper said McGee is a bold leader, who takes charge during a coin toss and makes sure there is no doubt about which side he is picking. He is expected to come in and start right away, and could make a huge impact for these Cowboys chances of deferring kickoffs.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: March 6, 2009 9:18 am
 

Stafford Moving Back Home After Lions Workout

The Detroit Lions held a private workout yesterday with probably number one draft pick Matthew Stafford at their private practice facility in northern Michigan. They were said to be very impressed by the athleticism of the player out of Georgia, and were going to start negotiations immediately with his agent. But, after realizing he was probably going to be taken by the Lions, or at best the Rams, Stafford is said to now be considering taking a few years off before finding a job.

"Hey man," said Stafford in an interview. "I'm just not sure what I want to do with my life yet. I just graduated college, that doesn't mean I have to go out and get a job right away. Sure, it's a decent offer. $25 million a year, never have to worry about money again, blah, blah, blah. But the Lions? I don't know about that."

"My parents have made an intriguing counter offer of a futon in their basement, pizza a couple times a week, and the ability to borrow dad's car on the weekends. I am considering it with my agent as we speak."

"But," he continued. "I really think I just need to move back home for a little bit. There are so many busts in the NFL, I don't know if I want to be just another name on the list with Ryan Leaf. Maybe I'll get a part-time position at a coffee house, try to get people to listen to my self-made emo music on MySpace, and argue with my folks constantly about how I'm doing nothing with my life. That sounds like a much more interesting future than a career with the Lions."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:33 am
 

Munchkin Player Smaller At Combine Than College

When Michael Crabtree showed up at the Combine to get measured, he checked in at 2 full inches under his listed 6' 3" at Texas Tech. Scouts were somewhat stunned at such a gross mismeasurement. But the most amazing shocker of the Combine came when linebacker Beezleknees Gum Gum measured over 3 feet smaller than his listed 6' 5" at Emerald City College, completely scrambling everyone's draft boards.

While Gum Gum had been a dominant force in Divison VII college football, the division for literature and fairy tale characters, some say he may struggle at the next level. He led Emerald City in tackles, interceptions, and sacks, as they went on to triumph over the Narnia Fairies in the Division VII championship game. He is somewhat of a legend on campus, after he made a stunning interception return for a touchdown that helped upset the Hogwarts Wizards in the semi-finals, a matchup that oddsmakers expected them to lose handily.

But in standing Beezleknees next to the other Combine athletes, it seems like it might be very hard to compete for the 3 foot kid from Munchkin Land. He ran a 8.5 40-yard dash, a very good time for someone with legs half the size of a normal human. Plus, he showed some resolve when he attempted to tackle Florida runningback Percy Harvin. He wasn't able to actually bring him down, but he latched onto his right thigh and held on all the way to the endzone on a 72-yard touchdown, something a lesser munchkin would never be able to do.

Scouts aren't sure where he will go now in the draft, as he was projected to be an early 3rd rounder based on his performance on tape. But now that he has turned out to be smaller, some are saying he might not be drafted at all, as he is too easy to confuse with the football itself. Others say his ability to use magic might make up for his physical deficiencies.

Gum Gum is the son of a wealthy mother from the Lollipop Guild and a hardworking father who made fudge-covered cookies in an oak tree. If he is drafted, he would be the first munchkin to ever be taken on draft day. Right now, it appears he will be the only Division VII player taken, although the Falcons are very high on a speedy runningback centaur out of Fantasia State.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:41 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am
 

Art Major Leaving College Early To Enter Draft

Zach Franklin, a 1st semester art major at the University of Georgia, announced today that he was forgoing the final 3.5 years of college to declare for the NFL draft, in a posting made on his myspace page. Despite never playing a down of football in his life, Franklin feels college may not be right for him after being dumped by his high school girlfriend and having his brilliant comic book illustrations misunderstood to be crap.

Mel Kiper Jr. broke down what Franklin can bring to a team, in a segment on his radio program. "This guy brings a lot to an NFL organization. He has quite a collection of comic books, ironic t-shirts, goth jewelry, and many self-written scripts for movies about ninjas and schoolgirls. It's going to be hard for opponents to prepare to face Franklin on the field, when they have to research his sad sad background of no sex and many long World Of Warcraft sessions. It's such a pathetic story, anyone would have trouble hitting this kid."

Other scouts critiqued Zach's body with some saying that he was built "like a skinny little pussy", but with the potential to become "the kind of skinny pussy you don't want to mess with, because he might be carrying a gun under his Hot Topic trenchcoat." Some have even said he has the potential to be as good as Ryan Leaf.

Franklin created a Youtube video to showcase his talents to scouts, showing him doing "football-like activities" such as catching a toilet paper roll and horse-collar tackling his 11-year-old sister. Kiper said the video was very impressive, but not because of the football-like activities, but because he also mixed together his favorite scenes from The Dark Knight at the end, and that is a really sweet movie.

When asked of the chances of Zach Franklin being drafted by an NFL team like themselves, a representative for the Detroit Lions said, "Sure, I can see it happening. He doesn't seem all that worse than people we have drafted in recent history."

SportsComedian.com
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