Posted on: August 2, 2010 7:45 am

Discovery Channel Kicks Off San Jose Sharks Week

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

The show has garnered a lot of controversy with human rights groups, but the open hunting laws on San Jose Sharks players have stayed in place. The city claims that having it legal to catch and kill their hockey players is good for tourism, and doesn't really affect anyone outside of the players, as these people play in the NHL, so it's not like anyone knows who they are. They are also mostly Canadians. Besides, kids and families enjoy posing with the strung up dead bodies of Sharks players in the town square.

Other programs to be shown during this year's Shark Week include the specials:

  • Feeding Time- Documenting the double decker tourist buses that carry tourists around San Jose and throw raw fish and chum over the side to Sharks players who circle around the bus.
  • Ultimate Shark Jump- Happy Days star Henry Winkler attempts to jump over a San Jose Sharks practice ice rink on water skis, with the dangerous players circling below.
  • How To Survive A Shark Attack- Experts tell how to stay safe should you be attacked by a Sharks player who may mistake you for his usual prey of seal.

Critics of Shark Week continue to ask why such an unpopular sport and franchise was chosen as the subject for a weeklong celebration. Discovery claims that they just beat out more popular teams such as the New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Steelers. They say that the week is so popular, they can't change it to someone else now. Also, things such as hunting men and throwing raw fish around onto the streets are probably not allowed in a real city like New York.


Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am
Edited on: June 13, 2009 9:57 am

NHL Offers To End Debate, Let LeBron Be TheirBest

The NHL has extended an offer to LeBron James to officially declare him the best player in hockey history, if only he will come play for the league and help bring a little of his publicity. Commissioner Gary Bettman said that all this debate about who is better, him or Kobe, can easily be settled if he just comes to the NHL. He explains there is no Kobe here.

"We are prepared to say he's the best ever," said Bettman. "Gretzky is nobody, Crosby is nobody, LeBron will be the king of the hockey world. We're going to also retire his jersey and number, so that no one else will be able to use it around the league. He's also had trouble winning a championship, so we'll even give whatever team he wants to play on this year's Stanley Cup trophy. It's not like Pittsburgh or Detroit needed another one of these anyway. This is a heck of an offer, which I don't feel the NBA can ever match."

The allure of ending the who's the best debate, plus a free championship, might be enough to get LeBron to make the move. Both he and his puppet are considering making the move, and Nike is working on a new pair of LeBron skates. Something that would appeal to kids in urban areas and be comfortable enough where they could wear them to school.

LeBron expects to make a decision some time over the offseason. Bettman has already begun an expansion of the NHL Hall Of Fame called the LeBron James Wing.

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Posted on: June 13, 2009 9:44 am

Man Jailed After Making Friends Watch Soccer

A man is serving jailtime tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting  at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

It was a contest between two teams from some place called Europe, and the situation got worse from there as the partygoers realized what they were watching on the screen. Many began to scream, an angry man threw a stool at the 56 inch television, and a woman tried to gauge out her own eyes with a guacamole dip serving spoon.

Someone was smart enough to dial 911 in all the chaos, and police arrived at the scene within minutes. They broke down the door and stormed the apartment, as people ran for safety from the terror inside. They neutralized the party host with a tazer, and had the bomb squad detonate the cable box that contained the subscription to the Soccer Premiere Pass outside. They hope that will ensure it can never hurt anyone again.

The host is now in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is accused of 14 counts of attempted soccer exhibition, 10 counts of sports party trickery, and 1 count of manslaughter via guacamole spoon.

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Posted on: April 9, 2009 10:43 am
Edited on: April 9, 2009 10:44 am

Cleveland Browns Have Clinched NHL Playoffs

The Cleveland Browns have been announced as having clinched the final playoff spot in the NHL Eastern Conference playoffs today. It's a bold move and obvious by the league to try and get a team in the NHL playoffs that sports fans would actually care about.

"The Cleveland Browns have a rich and excitable fanbase," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference earlier today. "They want to see their team make the playoffs, and since that doesn't ever seem to happen for them in the NFL, why not let them come and try their hand at our postseason. We showed them a fun highlights video about hockey, and they are looking forward to trying to learn how to play over the course of the next week.

"Look, it was them or the Florida Panthers...I'm the Commissioner of this league, and I wasn't even sure the Panthers were a real franchise until I looked them up on wikipedia."

The Browns themselves were very excited about finally having clinched a playoff berth somewhere. To celebrate, they all met in a Cleveland supermarket and sprayed cheap champagne on themselves in the wine section.

Their fans meanwhile didn't quite know what to make of the announcement.

"Well, I'm glad we finally get to watch our Browns in the postseason," said fan Vic Mangold. "But, these guys can barely play football, I can't imagine they're going to be able to learn a new sport in only a week or two."

The news is very exciting for the franchise, which was also in the running to get a bid from the Arena Football League to appear in their postseason this year. But then they decided there was no way the Cleveland Browns would ever really make even the AFL playoffs, and decided to just shut down the league instead.

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:49 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:52 am

NHL Holds Outdoor Football Game For Promotion

The NHL held an exhibition game outdoors yesterday in their 2009 Winter Classic, pitting the Detroit Red Wings against the Chicago Blackhawks in a game of football at Soldier Field. The league made the decision to have an annual football game each year in order to finally get a few minutes of airtime on SportsCenter, and to spark interest in the sport they play the rest of the time, something called hockey. They played to a tense 0-0 standoff in what might be called a defensive smash-mouth football game. You might also just say simply that neither team had a clue what they were doing.

The contest was plagued by errors, as both teams admittedly had not ever played the sport before. Chicago made an impressive drive in the first quarter. But when they completed a long pass that should have gone for a touchdown to Patrick Sharp, instead of running it into the endzone, he ran in circles shouting "Where's the goal?! Where's the goal?!" until being tackled and fumbling the ball.

Detroit looked to be making some offensive progress in the second quarter, but when they got down into field goal range they started complaining to the refs about no-calls on icing penalties. They were flagged 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct. Things got even uglier in the 3rd quarter when Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville realized he had been given a challenge flag, and began throwing it after every play.

"They gave me this cool little yellow hacky sack thingy," said Quenneville during the game. "I'll be damned if I'm not going to use it every time something doesn't go our way!"

The Red Wings got within 5 yards of the goal line at the end of the 3rd quarter, but the television coverage went to a commercial and when they came back both teams had left the field and already were in the locker rooms. NHL Officials attempted to explain to the players that there were 4 periods in football. But, when fans realized they might actually come back out and play more they began to chant "Make it end, make it end!", and thankfully for all those watching, the contest was declared a 0-0 tie.

So did the game do anything to sway people into watching a little more NHL in the coming year?

"Well, I've seen my 5-year-old son play a better game of peewee football than what I saw here today," said fan Frank Smith. "If these so-called athletes can't do any better than him, I don't know how they are going to look out there playing whatever that hockey thing is they kept trying to tell us about. I think I'll skip that, but it sure was fun to be outside for a bit."

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Posted on: September 27, 2008 9:08 am
Edited on: September 27, 2008 9:18 am

NHL Signs Deal As The Official Sport Of The NFL

The NHL today signed a big multi-million dollar marketing deal to become "The Official Sports League Of The NFL". The move comes as the NHL tries to remake it's image and appear less like actual hockey. After struggling on deep cable for the past few seasons, the NHL is attempting to hitch itself to the popularity of football.

"We are very excited to announce this marketing partnership," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "This continues the grand tradition of selling official items of the NFL to help boost both brands. Businesses such as Long John Silvers, The Official Fried Fish Fast Food Of The NFL, and Always, The Official Heavy Days Maxi Pad Of The NFL, have seen huge increases to sales as a result of these partnerships. When you are craving fried fish in your car, and your vagina is bleeding more heavily than normal, what brands do you think of? My point exactly. How this partnership is going to work is the NHL is going to give us a great deal of money, and in exchange they will be able to run some ads during our games. We will get equal airtime during NHL broadcasts, but we told them to shove that airtime up their asses, because it is worth about as much as shit. We then asked them for even more money. So, the deal seems to be working out well for the both of us."

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Posted on: April 16, 2008 1:31 pm
Edited on: April 16, 2008 1:32 pm

NHL Bans A-Holes, Sean Avery Very Upset

The NHL created a new rule yesterday after the New York Rangers' Sean Avery used the unorthodox tactic of getting in the way of Martin Brodeur to distract and limit his vision. They have announced that effective immediately there will be no more a$$holes allowed in NHL games. This drastic rule change sent shockwaves throughout the league as it happened during the playoffs and changes many teams strategies and outlooks. Avery himself, who now has to find other work as an a$$hole, was understandably upset, "There is so little work out there for a good a$$hole these days. What am I supposed to do now? Go heckle at comedy clubs and pour condiments on benches at fast food restaurants? That's amateur stuff. I was a professional a$$hole on ice, and the NHL has taken my livelihood away from me."

While Avery has announced he will challenge the rule change, he is only one piece of the New York Rangers to be removed. The biggest problems face the Dallas Stars, long known around the league to be a bunch of a$$holes. "This is ridiculous and discriminatory!" said Dallas GM Doug Armstrong. "We now have no one to play our game 4 against Anaheim! We were leading 2-1 for goodness sake! The league knew that if there was one thing the Stars were known for, it's our giant a$$holes. They are the biggest around, and this change hits us really hard. Now I'm going to have to put together a normal team? This is just sad. I liked walking down the street and have people say 'Hey, there goes that guy with the humongous a$$hole'. That's a good feeling, and I don't know where we go from here."


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com