Tag:New York Yankees
Posted on: July 14, 2010 8:02 am

Hell Welcomes George Steinbrenner W/ Lavish Ball

One of the legendary baseball executives past away today at the age of 80 as George Steinbrenner suffered a heart attack and died in a hospital in Tampa. It was a somber mood around baseball on the day of the All-Star game, as everyone got the news oh his death.

But that wasn't the case in the afterlife, as the minions of Hell prepared a grand ball to welcome The Boss to their throes. Hell's party planning committee, headed by Satan, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, and Jack The Ripper, organized an "Under The Sea" themed bash for his arrival. They thought the theme would help cheer him up about his sudden death, by reminding him how he had dominated the mighty ocean-faring Tampa Bay Rays this year after a slow start.

It was to be a gala event, with dancing, music from the pedophile symphony orchestra, and some fine dining on fresh tortured souls. The red carpet was littered with a who's who of dead evil celebrities out in their fanciest attire. But the mood dampened when Steinbrenner actually showed up and Satan went to give him a big hug.

"Whoa, what the...hell, I guess...am I doing here?" said a confused Steinbrenner.

"What do you mean?" replied Satan. "This is your welcoming party! We got word you were coming in today, so we threw up this bash! Put on a seashell necklace and let's dance and commit human rights atrocities!"

"Wait, I know I'm pretty disliked around the country because my team wins all the time, and I buy all the good players. But being sent to hell? Really?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you belong here," said Satan. "You're a pretty hated guy. You're probably the most disliked in sports, aside from Bill Belichick of course. But we already know he's coming to be my successor as soon as he ends up dying."

"Are you serious?!" exclaimed Steinbrenner. "I was just a business man. I mean, there's a guy over there on the side of the red carpet just eating babies!"

"Oh, that...yeah that's Thargor. He's an old Viking serial killer from about 1000 years ago. He loves eating people..." Satan turned and yelled to the man, "Thargor! Knock it off with the babies! We have a new guest! You're freaking him out! Go inside and wait until those babies are cooked, like the rest of us are doing! We can all eat them then!" He turned back to Steinbrenner. "Feel more comfortable now George?"

"No! I don't belong here! How could this have happened?!"

Satan thought for a minute. "Oh, wait... I bet I know what it was. Gary who works in purgatory is a huge Red Sox fan, a part of Red Sox Nation and all that. He probably saw your name on the docket and put you down for Hell..."

"Aha! I knew it! I definitely didn't belong with all these murderers and rapists. Can you get this fixed?"

Satan frowned. "Yeah, I can. But it's going to take a little paperwork to get done. Party is cancelled everybody! George isn't staying!"

"I'm sorry about this, the party looks very nice," said George, trying to cheer up the nearly in tears dark lord.

"This always happens! No one cool ever comes to Hell! It's only these jerks! This'll take some time to get sorted out George...won't you come inside and eat a cooked baby with me while we wait for heaven to come pick you up?"

"Just because I'm going to heaven, doesn't mean I wouldn't love to eat a baby! I'm the boss after all!"

Both men share a laugh and head into the ballroom.


Posted on: May 5, 2009 9:14 am

SI Nearly Out Of Scandals To Accuse A-Rod Of

Despite her tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez coming out this week, Sports Illustrated's Selena Roberts may soon find herself out of a job. In her new book she reveals brand new scandals about A-Rod that have the entire sports world talking, such as high school steroids and pitch-tipping.

But her editors reveal that she may be out of good A-Rod stories to tell. Sources inside SI reveal that her latest pieces, "A-Rod Has Alien Baby With Queen Of Marxuus 11" and "Rodriquez Ate Cal Ripken To Absorb His Shortstop Power" are a bit of a stretch, even for them.

"I am still a great sportswriter, and I will prove to these doubters that there are still scandals out there I have no yet accused him of," fired back Roberts. "I spent all day going through books about baseball cheating, and I think I've found a few more of these I can get to stick on him. If you thought steroids were wild, wait until you hear about his spitballs when he turns a double play."

Her editors then suggested to Roberts that maybe she try to write about something other than A-Rod, but her response was "I don't understand what that means..."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Posted on: April 15, 2009 10:36 am

Mets Looking For Refund & New Stadium After Loss

The New York Mets opened their brand new ballpark, Citi Field, yesterday with a game against the San Diego Padres. But it was not the grand celebration the Mets had hoped for, as they lost to the visiting friars 6-,5 in a contest that showcased their franchise's ineptitude to dominate despite their superior roster. The Padres even led off the game with a homerun, the first in the new stadium.

But now, Mets officials are looking into a refund on their $800 million dollar stadium because developers claimed it would be "a luxorius and breathtaking new home that will inspire the Metropolitans to victory for years to come."

"Obviously, this thing is defective," said Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "It was supposed to give us some wins, and instead we look just like the team from the last two years that blew big leads down the stretch to the Phillies. I am trying to see if they will pay for shipping to send it back to them for a new one, but they say losses to the horrid Padres are not covered under warranty. This is a total crock."

Wilpon went on to say that since this stadium is obviously not any better than Shea, he is already looking into getting funding for a new stadium to build next to this one.

"We are going to just keep building these things until we get one that works. Citi Field is great and all, but we can do bigger and more expensive, so that's exactly what we're going to do. There is a lot of land left in Queens that is not yet a stadium, so we have a lot more chances to get one that works for us to actually win at."

The Mets should be fine for the current season though. They built enough luxories and amenities into Citi Field to lure in the fans, who they knew would not pay just to see the Mets play. Their seats are also so comfortable most fans will fall right asleep in their chairs, and miss the part of the game where the Mets bullpen blows the big early lead.

They also want to remind fans that Citi Field is home to two of the biggest HD screens in the world. Which are the best place to watch your favorite baseball team, obviously not the Mets of course, when they show highlights of other games. So don't stay at home and watch your franchise there, come on out and tell your office buddies you watched them on the largest HDTVs in the universe. Just be sure to not glance on the awful baseball product being displayed on the actual field...

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Posted on: February 10, 2009 10:06 am

Player Busted As Only Person In 03 Not On Roids

Sports Illustrated published a story in their latest issue claiming that they have been leaked the results of the 2003 banned substance tests for major league baseball, and have found out the identity of the one player who was not on steroids at that time. Carlos Rivera, a first baseman for the Pirates in 03 was the only person in MLB to fail to get a positive steroids test that year.

Rivera's stats from the season, a .221 average and 3 homeruns, should have been an indication something was amiss. Players said they long suspected Rivera wasn't juicing, as he really really sucked, even for a Pirates player.

"I'm ashamed to call him a teammate," said Jason Kendall, then catcher for the Pirates. "To know that Carlos wasn't injecting himself before games to help us gain an unfair advantage, that's just not a team player. Even if he wanted to redeem himself now and juice up with me on the weekends, I don't think I'd even let him share my dirty needle. He lost that chance when he lost my respect."

Carlos conducted an exclusive interview with ESPN to talk about the story's allegations.

"I messed up," said Rivera to Peter Gammons. "I let my friends and family down, I let down the city of Pittsburgh, I let down all the children who look up to me and can't wait until they are old enough to buy the steroids the pros take, and most of all I let down all the illegal doctors who wanted to give me free experimental steroids. I'm sorry everyone. I should have been better than 10 RBI's that season, but I was young, and I didn't know what I was doing."

Gammons then asked Rivera if he was ashamed that his name would be the only one in the record books for the past decade that appeared without an asterisk by it.

"Yes, the lack of an asterisk will haunt me until the day I die. But that's the disdain I will have to live with."

While he is now a disgraced man, if all the records were to be discounted due to steroids, he is currently the active leader in homeruns since 2003 with three. As they are now forced by testing to be clean, players such as Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds have even contacted Rivera about how he achieves such power without juicing. They are attempting to duplicate his impressive unroided power numbers.

"I'm just glad I can help out some of these people," said Rivera. "Having gone through the awful ordeal of not using steroids, I think I can help them cope with having no muscles, trying so hard just to get a ball out of the infield. It's tough. I know I'm going to get laughed at when I take off my shirt at the pool and everyone sees my scrawny arms and chest. But, that's just a consequence of the choice I made back in 03, and I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Posted on: January 27, 2009 10:23 am

Torre's Book Good Enough To Make Sports Fans Read

Joe Torre's new 477-page biography, The Yankee Years, about his time coaching in New York, has been getting a lot of buzz recently in sports outlets for its controversial content. In it, Torre talks about the selfishness of A-Rod, his mistreatment at the hands of management, and the bad personel decisions that derailed the team after their 2000 championship. It's being talked about on sport radio and discussed on ESPN, and has sports fans actually interested in trying out books.

"This new book technology sounds really cool," said Yankees fan Norm Caldwell. "I called my son and asked about it, and apparently what they can do now is print words on a bunch of pieces of paper and then bind it with a colorful cover. They can contain all kinds of cool stuff, sometimes even pictures! He said it's a lot like the internet, only you can bring it with you. What will these inventors think of next?"

Caldwell says he is going to pick up this new book thing and give it a try.

"I've never done one of these books before, but I like to be on the cutting edge of technology. My wife even recommended I try a few, like Pride & Prejudice, War & Peace, and Harry Potter. She says they have even more words than Torre's book! This is so exciting! I even found this amazing place called The Library, where apparently you can rent books for free! You just sign up and then can take anything you want from there, it's like a free Blockbuster! I don't know how that place stays open, as it sounds like a horrible business model."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Posted on: January 12, 2009 10:45 am

TSC Video! Jeter's Manhood Honored With Award

Hey everybody, we just completed a brand new video which is now available over on YouTube. It only took us 4 months to get another one out, but it's finally here. Check it out if you like our regular sports satire. Hopefully you can excuse the shoddy production and acting. Let me know what you think. Are we better than that god awful Burly Show at least?

Derek Jeter's Manhood Given Lifetime Achievement Award
Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:20 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:54 am

Giambi Returns To A's After Finishing Mission

The Oakland Athletics announced today that they had agreed to a one year contract with their former MVP Jason Giambi, 7 years after he began a dangerous undercover mission to destroy the New York Yankees. The A's welcomed back their favorite son and late 90's offensive standout with open arms, after he managed to almost single-handedly turn the Yankees from dynasty to suck.

Giambi started his time with New York playing as he had when he was in Oakland, earning their trust with his big power numbers. But in his third year he began his hidden agenda to bring down the Yanks with a horrendous batting average, high strike out rate, repeated injuries, and crippling salary. The A's sent him on the mission when they found out they could not beat the Yankees in straight-up playoff competition, so they decided to destroy them from within by sending their supposed best player.

"I am just glad to be home," said Giambi in a press conference announcing the deal. "It has been a grueling undercover mission in New York. Did you know you can't even find a house in the city? You have to live in a 3000 square foot condo overlooking some park! It was awful. Plus I was only getting about $26 million a year in per diem. I was barely getting by on that scratch!

"But I got home last night and had sex with my actual wife instead of a random 19-year-old I met at a downtown club, I had a meal other than the horrible lobster and steak they serve in every restaurant there, and I even went to a Wal-Mart! It was wonderful."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:28 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:44 am

Yankees Struggle To Overpay Actually Good Player

The New York Yankees announced their signing of C.C. Sabathia this morning to a deal worth a reported $161 million dollars for 7 years. The contract was signed some time overnight as New York GM Brian Cashman flew out west to ink the deal in person. The salary will make Sabathia the highest paid pitcher in the history of the game, something that the Yankees had hoped to avoid. But because Sabathia is actually really good, in order to overpay for him like they have for the rest of their roster, it costed a pretty penny.

"It's tough to be in my position," said Cashman in an interview after the signing. "Yankees fans and the national media expect us to drastically over-evaluate aging talent and give them a lot more money than they are worth. What would ESPN, fans, and sport blogs talk about with our team if they couldn't lampoon us for our bad salary management? We pay $20 million dollars per year to someone as bad as Jason Giambi, despite him being worth maybe only $3 million. So when we had a chance to sign an actual good and young player, we had to go even higher. We did not want to leave the door open for some sports writer to swoop in 5 years from now and say we made a great decision giving Sabathia so much money. That would destroy everything we have worked to achieve here in this organization."

"The Yankees have laid out for me some expectations for the future that sounds very exciting," said Sabathia in response to the signing. "They told me that they are paying me like someone who should win 20 games a year and have a sub 3.00 ERA, hence they will need me to struggle to win 14 and stay in past the 5th inning. I have a lot of big overpaid pitching shoes to fill here in this big city; Carl Pavano, Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown. But, I think I have what it takes to let these fans down. Who knows, I might even throw a few fun injuries in there somewhere. But, I won't spoil that for anyone. Stay tuned, it's going to be 7 more great Yankee years."

Discuss this article in the Forum!

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com