Tag:Notre Dame
Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:52 am

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:21 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:53 am

Notre Dame To Change Into Passive Agressive Irish

After another sub-par year for Notre Dame football, head coach Charlie Weis vows big changes on the horizon for next season. He says that in order to change the results on the field, they are going to have to change their entire team identity.They will start by no longer being known as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but the Passive Agressive Irish.

Instead of their old defensive methods of attempting to tackle the opposing team, they will express their desire for them not to get into the endzone by not speaking to them for a long time or maybe not inviting them to the annual Christmas party. Charlie Weis has already begun deploying his passive agressive mind games against USC for next season when he did not include them in a Top 5 college teams bulletin he posted on his Facebook. We will have to wait and see if this technique can stop them from beating them by 30 points again next year.

"We just don't have the athletes to fight head to head against these big programs," said Weis. "That is why we are changing the name of the team. We aren't going to be able to establish a power running game over Michigan's athletes, but we can not call them for a couple of weeks and see if that throws them off guard long enough to get some touchdowns. Look, this is the best plan I could come up with..."

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 9:55 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:20 am

Bowl Organizers Banish Notre Dame Out Of U.S.

After barely limping into bowl contention with a 6-6 record, the country has decided that the only place that Notre Dame will be allowed to play in college football's postseason is Hawaii.

"We felt that by giving them an invitation to play here we could keep them as far away as possible from the rest of the country," said head Hawaii Bowl organizer Rich Bradshaw. "We hope that by flying them out here we can isolate the damage that their bad play can cause during the holidays. We have them going up against the equally disappointing Hawaii University, so that should ensure absolutely no one will care about this game. The bowl will take place on Christmas Eve though, so there is the possibility that someone could accidentally flip onto the channel drunk on eggnog, and hence ruin their entire Christmas. But, hopefully that won't happen."

The country has been plagued by Notre Dame's football play all season, as their games are still for some reason televised on NBC.

"For once, I can say that I would rather watch Matlock reruns on a Saturday afternoon than football," said fan Chris Bythewood. "But instead a network is showing this Notre Dame nonsense when they are sitting on perfectly good episodes of America's Funniest Videos. I could be watching fathers getting accidentally hit in the balls in various ways by their kids right now!"

The residents of Hawaii are preparing for the arrival of Notre Dame. Emergency shelters have been opened up for 15 miles around the stadium, to prepare for those who can't ride out the horrible play in their own homes. Residents are boarding up their windows to make sure that no Fighting Irish players can somehow sneak into their houses. Pineapple farmers have been asked to increase their crop yield by 30% in anticipation of the arrival of Charlie Weis. The national guard is even at the ready to make sure that all football playing by Notre Dame is contained to the stadium. They don't want any pickup games taking place in the parking lot that could result in hundreds of innocent bystanders being exposed to their play.

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Posted on: October 28, 2008 8:47 am
Edited on: October 28, 2008 9:18 am

Forecasters Predict Willingham To Clear Up Soon

Forecasters are predicting the Ty Willingham that has resided over Washington University will be clearing up within the next few months. The Ty Willingham, a rare atmospheric condition that occurs from time to time, has dumped horrible play and substandard recruiting on the college for the past 4 seasons, including an 0-8 campaign this year. But meteorologists say there are signs of a low pressure system building in the region that could force the Willingham south.

Notre Dame was the last college to be hit with a bad Willingham strike from 2002-2004. The storm knocked them out of the national title picture, disrupted their recruiting base, and left the people of South Bend wondering how they would make it through. It then made its way northwest to Washington, where it has resided ever since.

Now that the Ty Willingham is predicted to move once again after this season, the national weather advisory center is suggesting that everyone board up their practice facilities over the winter. They suggest stocking up on loyal assistant coaches, so that your AD never gets that itch to hire a Willingham.

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Posted on: September 16, 2008 10:22 am
Edited on: September 16, 2008 10:38 am

Weis To Miss 4-6 Weeks Of Indiana Fast Food

The Indiana fast food industry took a major hit today. But not from the struggling economy or a new health scare. But, it was announced today that Charlier Weis tore both his ACL and MCL in a collision on the sidelines during Saturday's game with Michigan. Weis was bowled over in the rain and took a nasty spill to the ground, resulting in the injury. He emerged after halftime wearing a cast on his knee and sporting crutches. It is believed he will in the cast for 4-6 weeks, and unable to drive during that time.

Many restaurants in the area count on Weis' business to stay in operation, with 3 KFC's shutting down this morning based solely on the news. "We count on Charlie stopping in here for what we call the Charlie Special," said one of ths store managers. "It's original recipe chicken dipped in extra tasty cripsy batter, then dipped in original recipe again, then fried 3 times, one of them in hot chocolate instead of oil, then we just throw some ice cream on top of the bucket. It's his favorite, he usually stops at all our area locations on the way to the college to pick some up. He says he's hypoglycemic and doesn't like to go more than a few blocks without a bucket or a combo meal of food."

Other businesses such as Taco Bell are going to try and get through the temporary fast food depression. Their restaurants around the country get extra income from their advertised "4th Meal", when college students get hungry in the middle of the night and want some food. But the local Taco Bell has stayed profitable mainly due to Weis' "7th Breakfast", where he gets really hungry at around 10:15 and cancels the offense planning meeting to make a run for the border and his 7th meal of the early day.

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