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Tag:Ohio State
Posted on: January 20, 2009 10:00 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:01 am
 

Sports Figures Honor Inauguration Of Barack Obama

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:
  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.
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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:01 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am
 

Fiesta Bowl Being Served Tonight At Mexican Place

Friends of Jerry Williams, a resident of San Juan, California, are pumped about tonight's Fiesta Bowl.

"This is it baby!" said friend Kirk Sanchez. "We have been waiting all month for today's Mexican restaurant night! Every week we go out to dinner together with our wives and have something to drink. And tonight we go to Don Juan's, which has these big amazing food bowls. This one called the Fiesta Bowl is just to die for, it has beans, cheese, chips, rice, salsa, beef, and it's still cheaper than all the rest!"

"I mean, the food items we have playing together in tonight's bowl are delicious," said Jerry. "Cheese, beans, where do you go wrong with those? Even though it's one of the lesser bowls, I dare say they belonged in the big Burrito Caliente Spanish Championship Bowl, their most expensive one. I mean that thing has guacamole and pork playing in it. Who really wants to eat that? These ingredients were much more deserving."

"I don't know who I favor in tonight's Fiesta Bowl," said other friend Bruce Wilson. "I'm kind of leaning towards the beef as my favorite, but beans have a good pass rush right out my colon the next day. It's really a toss-up. One thing is for certain, and that's even though these ingredients may not have been deemed the most expensive by the food writers of the nation, we are happy to let them play in our mouths."

When asked if they would be watching any of tonight's Fiesta Bowl between Texas and Ohio State, they all answered no.

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Posted on: September 18, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: September 18, 2008 10:14 am
 

Bakeries Cant To Keep Up With Demand For Cupcakes

Bakeries around the country are finding themselves overloaded with orders for cupcakes early in the college football season. Marie's Bakery, who handles cupcake orders for several of the biggest schools such as FSU, Ohio State, and LSU, says orders for this year are almost exceeding capacity. "We are getting a ton of requests for cupcakes for first few weeks of the season in order for everyone to look really good, and it's hard to keep up," said Marie Kirkman, owner of the shop. "When everyone is ordering a few cupcake teams to start things off, it's very hard to find ones still available for them to play. We are having to dig very deep in the college football ranks to find recipes to cook up for these top tier programs."

"We usually like to serve directional cupcakes for the big state schools to feast on early. We'll send them a Central Michigan or a Southern Nebraska. But once those run out we have to find even more obscure directional schools, such as "Southeastern Utah College In Western Colorado" and "You Know Groman Street? Turn Left On Groman, Make A Right On Franklin, Head Past The Wal-Mart, And It's There Across From The Starbucks, University." But there are only so many schools like YKGSTLOGMAROFHPTWAITAFTSU out there, and TV networks hate trying to fit that name on their scoreboard."

It has gotten so bad, that many bakeries are now refusing to sell any new cupcakes for teams that may want to order some. Or for teams that thought they were actually good from years of cupcake gorging so they made the mistake of scheduling USC, and now have blown their shot at a third straight national title embarrassment game. But bakeries are now offering to give them puff pastry, lemon tart, and berry turnover teams instead. They are not quite the easy snack that cupcakes are, but one or two shouldn't blow their BCS Championship chances diet.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: September 16, 2008 10:22 am
Edited on: September 16, 2008 10:38 am
 

Weis To Miss 4-6 Weeks Of Indiana Fast Food

The Indiana fast food industry took a major hit today. But not from the struggling economy or a new health scare. But, it was announced today that Charlier Weis tore both his ACL and MCL in a collision on the sidelines during Saturday's game with Michigan. Weis was bowled over in the rain and took a nasty spill to the ground, resulting in the injury. He emerged after halftime wearing a cast on his knee and sporting crutches. It is believed he will in the cast for 4-6 weeks, and unable to drive during that time.

Many restaurants in the area count on Weis' business to stay in operation, with 3 KFC's shutting down this morning based solely on the news. "We count on Charlie stopping in here for what we call the Charlie Special," said one of ths store managers. "It's original recipe chicken dipped in extra tasty cripsy batter, then dipped in original recipe again, then fried 3 times, one of them in hot chocolate instead of oil, then we just throw some ice cream on top of the bucket. It's his favorite, he usually stops at all our area locations on the way to the college to pick some up. He says he's hypoglycemic and doesn't like to go more than a few blocks without a bucket or a combo meal of food."

Other businesses such as Taco Bell are going to try and get through the temporary fast food depression. Their restaurants around the country get extra income from their advertised "4th Meal", when college students get hungry in the middle of the night and want some food. But the local Taco Bell has stayed profitable mainly due to Weis' "7th Breakfast", where he gets really hungry at around 10:15 and cancels the offense planning meeting to make a run for the border and his 7th meal of the early day.

SportsComedian.com
Posted on: September 4, 2008 9:25 am
Edited on: September 4, 2008 9:47 am
 

ESPN To Dub All College Athletes With Fake Names

In an effort to increase the cool factor of college football to the young audience, ESPN has announced it will give all college football players fake first names like that of Ohio State star runningback Beanie Wells. "We could have told Chris Wells no," said ESPN head Bud McBride. "We could have told him, we don't care what you call yourself. We're a news organization with journalistic standards ,and we're going to use your legal name. But I had my assistant look into it, and we actually have no journalistic standards. So, instead we have chosen to pander to these student athletes and let them choose their own first names from now on. If they don't choose one themselves, we will get Chris Berman really drunk on gin, and then poke him in the gut like the Pillsbury Doughboy until he starts saying random words. Students without chosen names will be assigned one of these Berman words as a first name. This should make for much more colorful commentary and fun player introductions."

Beanie Wells was said to be very happy with the decision by the network, as was Pacman Jones, one of the earliest beneficiaries of their low journalistic standards. Some other players who got Berman names were not so enthusiastic about the change. Syphilis McDougle and Leather Smith were especially vocal about the move, calling it "One of the worst decisions in the history of broadcasting" with McDougle adding "Yes, I have a disease, but how in the hell did Chris Berman even find out about it?"

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