Posted on: April 21, 2009 10:14 am

American Runner Finishes Boston Marathon

The United States was given something to cheer about today as an American runner actually finished the Boston marathon. Mitch Malone took home somethingth place in the contest. People were counting at one point, but they lost interest after the first several hundred people crossed the finish line. Malone made a statement to all the other countries from Africa and South American that traditionally dominate this contest that maybe the Americans are poised for a comeback in the sport of running.

Malone's journey was an exhausting one, as he started off strong in the pack of early race leaders. But after about an hour he found himself a little thirsty, so he stopped in a Starbucks to grab a mocha caramel frappuchino, the low-cal variety since he likes to watch his figure during a race. Things slowed down for him though, when they added a little too much caramel syrup, and he had to send it back 3 times to have them do over again. This costed him precious time, but they added extra whipped cream on top, so he overlooked the delays.

After that he continued on his epic run for a bit, before realizing he was passing his mother's house. He stopped in there for a bit to get a piece of pie, and watch a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond that happened to be on TBS. The hilariously awkward situation Raymon was able to get out of with his parents inspired Malone to take a quick poop and then continue on his journey.

He then entered what is known as death row for the American runners, a street containing no less than 20 fast food restaurants. KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, they were all passing Malone as he jogged on by them, struggling to fight the urge to super size the growing hunger in his stomach. But he remained vigilant and made the choice one of the superior Kenyan runners would probably have made, if they were overweight and had the short attention span of an American, he grabbed a bratwurst from a street vendor.

But as he polished off the sausage in a full sprint towards the finish line, the Americans watching at home cheered on this valiant man. As he crossed the line with a time just under 10 hours, he held an American flag high in the air to celebrate his accomplishment.

When asked what he will do now, Malone said he's going to Disney Land...where he will pretend he has a foot injury so he can ride in a wheelchair all day because he doesn't know if he even wants to try walking again.

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Posted on: January 22, 2009 9:50 am
Edited on: January 22, 2009 9:51 am

Team USA Fans Angry Their Superstars Not Loyal

In this day and age, franchise loyalty is often considered a thing of the past. But nowhere is that more apparent than with Team USA, the gold medal winning franchise, whose player exodus in the offseason saw every one of their stars go to new teams. Residents of the United States felt betrayed by the play for money by their free agents.

"It just doesn't feel right," said Wilbur Reynolds. "We win a championship with this great nucleus of players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwight Howard, and then they all up and leave for the big dollars. We were just getting to know these kids and watch them gel into something great, and then it's time to start building a team again."

It's hard for a small market team like the United States to keep talented players once they prove themselves on the court. Chris Paul played exceptionally well over the summer, only to sign with the New Orleans Hornets when the season began. The same for Howard in Orlando and Kobe in Los Angeles, the alure of playing for actual money and more than once every 4 years just proves too much for the fledging USA franchise's hopes of keeping players.

"I enjoyed my time with Team USA, I really did," said Paul. "We had some fun, it was good being in a small market when I was getting my name out there. But they just can't pay the big Bucks to resign players. Everyone knows what their owners, the United States Government, is going through right now. They might go out of business soon with this economy the way it is. I had to make to move to something stable."

And so the smalltown Team USA franchise and its fans will soldier on. Knowing that once every four years they will put together a damn good team, only to see it get dismantled the following season, much like the Florida Marlins. They will be stuck with outdated jerseys and broken dreams, but despite the hard feelings they have hope for those who move on from the team.

"It's a special feeling watching them play now," said Hank Gustaphson. "I can tell my kids that I watched Dwyane Wade back when he played for us, back before he was a real superstar. That's a nice thing to be able to say. But as good as it feels, with how many people we lost to free agency, Team USA is really going to suck this year. I predict no Olympic medals..."

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Posted on: August 26, 2008 10:17 am
Edited on: August 26, 2008 12:49 pm

Wonderful Olympics Games Actually All Just CGI

As the wonderful 2008 Summer Olympic Games drew to a close on Sunday, people around the world were celebrating China's emergence on the international stage, two weeks of intense competition, and some of the most beautifully staged events ever seen. But, a report came out around 2:00 am from a British news service, claiming that the entire wonderful Olympics were actually all the work of Chinese CGI artists. Confirmations and facts began rolling in, that the entire Olympics shown to the world were actually created by a computer, and the actual Olympics were not nearly as dramatic or visually stunning.

Apparently, Chinese animators had been working on a brilliant vision of these Olympic games for several months, animating every contest to make it more engrossing than the actual event. Triumphant American hero Michael Phelps won a record 8 gold medals, winning by the smallest of hairs and the biggest of margins. His every move and even his background was enthralling television. But in the real Olympic games that took place, Michael Phelps is an overweight man in his mid-thirties from New Jersey, who won the "Go Swim Somewhere" contest from Aquafina. He did not receive any gold medals in the actual olympics, instead getting tired about halfway through the first freestyle race, and telling judges he needed a beer immediately. He showed up for only 2 more events, often sleeping through them.

But the Chinese animated a smiling young 20 something as Phelps for the broadcasted version, and made him win a record number of events to both increase favor with the Americans, and set up a good villian for the Chinese people in the 2012 sequel to these Olympics. The Water Cube also didn't actually exist either, with competitors swimming in an old high school gym that had been condemned since the 1980's.

The Americans did however win the women's team gymnastics event, something that wasn't shown on actual TV. Instead, the Chinese animators made their own team narrowly overcome the Americans for the gold. Many questioned the age of the Chinese girls in the event, and they did look under the required age of 16. But, that was only because the CGI artists used characters from the popular Anime show "Funtime Happy School 5", about a group of five preteen friends who fight robot monsters with the power of their magic leotards. They also have sex with tentacles, which was originally included as a celebration for their gymnastics victory, but deleted at the last minute by the director. It may be included as a deleted scene on the Olympics DVD release.

Many of the other events were spruced up for television as well, with grand stadium competitions actually taking place in dark and musty opium dens. It is also believed that the entire country of Luxembourg may have been created solely by CGI for these Olympics. It is unknown how much more of the events were created digitally, but more details continue to leak out as this story continues to break.

Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:45 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am

US Officials Working On Inventing More Events

After yet another successful run at this year's Olympic games for sports we invented and play mostly in this country, the United States Olympic Committee is hard at work inventing sports for the next games. With baseball and softball being removed after this Olympics, we are losing two staples of American dominance over sports very few other countries care about. Some countries are sad about this news, such as Italy who just last week learned what baseball was and how to play it, before entering the games and getting crushed 17-0 by the U.S. "This game seems like it could be fun, maybe if we start teaching it to our kids we could have a decent team one day," said Italy head coach Dom Mafilli, who found out about the sport about a month ago when the movie Field Of Dreams came on late night Italian cable.

"Well, that's the problem right there," noted U.S. Olympic Committee Chairman Maxwell Spry. "If you give them enough time, eventually they will be on an even playing field at these sports we create, and then we can't win them all the time. Baseball seems to be getting popular in Latin America and Asia, we have to take it out now before we lose soon. We can only keep in the things that the rest of the world still doesn't understand like beach volleyball and basketball."

"We are working on some new sports here that we hope to unveil soon. They key to winning against the rest of the world, we've found out, is to just confuse them. There are so many rules and numbers in baseball it confuses everyone else. There isn't much to judo, you just get in there and, well, judo each other. We're working on a new game called Skyscraperball, which is played in a giant special 40-story building built just for the event. There are a lot of rules, so far the rulebook is about as big a a major metropolitan phone book, but we're hoping to add in a few more chapters. This should be the most confusing and U.S. dominated game ever. We are very excited."

"Sometimes we just need to add something new to an existing event, like women's soccer. Before we added that in a few years back, the rest of the world never let women play soccer. But we secretly trained them to play from youth here, and then the rest of the world has been left in the dust ever since. But most of the world already has both sexes playing everything now, so it's going to be hard. Maybe transvestite archery or robot gymnastics. I don't know many transvestites outside of the U.S. that are good with a bow..."

Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:30 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am

New Beach Table Tennis Not Any More Popular

The new beach table tennis event is not proving as successful as Olympic officials originally hoped. When they created it before this summer's games as a chance to promote greater interest in table tennis, using the bikini-clad formula that has re-energized volleyball, it seemed like a sure thing. But they apparently failed to take into account that most of the world's top ping pong players were overweight Asians and Swedes.

At Wednesday's gold medal match between Johan Svennson and Noriaki Okami, there was only one spectator in the stands. They were apparently watching the women's beach volleyball final on a portable TV, as the stadium for that event was sold out. Svennson beat Okami in a stunning 3-2 upset that was filled with dramatic plays and tension. Mostly it came from the fact that table tennis is nearly impossible to play well on sand, and the fact that event organizers did not realize that the men in beach volleyball do not wear bikinis as well. Despite a lot of chaffing, and a nice bikini top tan line, Svennson overcame the constricting swimwear to win the gold.

The event is under review for the next games, but it is doubtful it will return.

Posted on: April 8, 2008 12:22 pm
Edited on: April 8, 2008 12:25 pm

Olympics Bringing Fire To France, French Afraid

The Olympics are causing news already as the Olympic torch makes its way across the globe on it's way towards China for this year's summer games. Incidents occured in France where they tried to grab the Olympic torch several times as it was being run through the country. Many around the globe, including France's President, are angry that the Olympics are bringing a radical new technology such as fire to the country.

"This is outrageous," said Nicolas Sarkozy in a cup-on-string interview. "For these Olympics to bring this fire into the country before we are ready for this technology is scaring the people. They don't know what that is, they think it's magic or witchcraft. It's only natural that they are going to try and stop it or take it. We Frenchmen have to take it slowly with adopting new things, we are a very scared people. We've tried to have other countries introduce new inventions to us before and it has gone badly. The car, electricity, someone even tried telling us about this thing called a lever. But, we are just not as developed as everyone else yet. Give us some time to catch up."

Various French protesters have attempted to tackle or grab the torch runners, as they see the strange fire on the streets. "It's a scary time to be a runner," said Johan Grousa, a runner who took the torch through Paris. "I have to have armed security around me at all times to stop these people from grabbing the thing out of my hands. One man was yelling frantically that he wanted to wear the fire as a hat, another that he was going to bring it back to his cave as a prize for his clan. It's scary, but certainly the most fun I've ever had while running."

The President addressed the frightened population via the large yelling horn seen in the Ricola commercials. "Fear not this new bright magic known as fire. It can not hurt us, nor will it bring upon your cave dwellings a plague. Please let them carry it without incident through our lands. If we let it pass I promise there shall be a plentiful bounty of raw deer flesh for us to feast upon. Be strong my compatriots, soon we will be rid of the scary fire."


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com