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Tag:Philadelphia Eagles
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:42 am
 

Player Harassing Officer Resigns For New Racism

The police officer who detained Houston Texans runningback Ryan Moats for a traffic violation while his mother-in-law was dying in a hospital resigned today, ending an illustrious career of racism. The 26-year-old officer has been working on his biggotry for years, and was shocked to discover people were outraged when he pulled a gun on an African-American who slowly ran a traffic light, and would not let the man into the hospital while his relative died.

"Because of this incident, I will be stepping down from the police force," said officer Robert Powell. "I don't know if I can live and work in a country that doesn't allow police to investigate just how a black guy came to be driving a car they didn't steal. And how was I supposed to know his mother-in-law was really dying, and that wasn't an excuse so he could hurry along and get some fried chicken?

"It was imperitive to the safety of the city that I searched his SUV for possible Popeye's coupons, so I could prove what his true motives are. That was taught to me on day one of police academy."

Because of the publicity and backlash the story has caused, Powell says he will be moving to Canada.

"I'm going to be going above the border," continued Powell. "There are fewer professional athletes there, so I should be able to freely harass people of color without fear that they are famous and it will get out to the media. There will not be as many black people up there, so I'm going to have to try real hard to find them and give them unnecessary and unwarranted grief."

A reporter asked Powell what he will miss the most about working in Texas.

"I will probably miss the Mexicans the most. There probably won't be any of them up there, and that will take away a good portion of my opportunities for racism. But, I hear they have French people up there, so I'm going to have to study up on what I can objectify them for. I'm very excited about this new opportunity."

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Posted on: February 24, 2009 10:10 am
Edited on: February 24, 2009 11:43 am
 

Harrison Dreams Of Seeing Bottom Of Standings

After 13 seasons of toiling at or near the top of the divisional and conference standings, Marvin Harrison asked for his release today from the Indianapolis Colts. After over a decade of success, being a part of the greatest QB-wide receiver tandem in history along with Peyton Manning, Harrison has long wanted to see what the bottom of the standings are like.

"I have a dream," began Harrison in an interview with ESPN. "I have a dream of not caring about whether we win or lose only two months into the season, because we are so far out of first. I have a dream of not having to actually stay in shape and compete hard for a roster spot, because my team only drafts wide receiving busts and people of questionable character. I have a dream of being able to just sit at home and watch the playoffs on my comfortable new couch, with my plasma TV and surround sound, instead of having to go get all sweaty and play in them. By asking for my release today, I'm hoping one team out there can let me live this dream."

Several suitors have lined up to try and grab the future Hall Of Famer. The Bengals and Lions especially have prepared presentations about their long history of horrible play and divisional showings. The Lions presented a plan about how Harrison will never have to attend a practice, because even without them he will be much better than anything else they have. The Bengals showed him the luxurious facility where they held their "Ha Ha, The Steelers Have To Play 3 Extra Games" themed Super Bowl Party.

Marvin is said to be considering both offers very seriously, although the Cardinals have come in late to say not to rule them out. They say that last year was just a fluke, and to not worry, they will be back to their old ways in 2009.

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Posted on: January 20, 2009 9:47 am
 

Legend Serves Last Buger In McDonald's Uniform

As Dave Philips flipped off the lights, after yet another hard fought day manning the overnight shift, he thought back on his illustrious career as a server of some of the best McDonald's burgers the game has ever seen. In what likely was his last burger served in a McDonald's uniform yesterday, Philips put on his usual show, serving small amounts of meat buried in a mountain of bread like the superstar he is.

A crowd of dozens turned up to see Philips at the Philadelphia area McDonald's to see his last performance, many reminiscing about some of their fondest memories of the burger flipper.

"He was one of the fast food game's greats, possibly the greatest ever," said 64-year-old Tom Britt. "The way he could run a microwave, typing in numbers, changing the power setting from high to low, using defrost when necessary, it was unlike anything I've ever seen before. Sure, he had some bad games here and there, one time he forgot to put bacon on my Bacon Burger Deluxe, but for the most part its been a great ride having him cook my ninety-nine cent food."

Despite having played for McDonald's for his entire career, the 34 year old Philips was released after the end of this holiday season. Many note the decline in his speed as a factor for the decision, with some teammates saying he doesn't dunk the fries in oil as quick as he used to. But management insists that they would love for him to finish his career with the McDonald's store #507 team, and claim his release was based on financial considerations. As a 17 year veteran of the team, Philips was due to make $5.6 million on his contract next year. Store #507 says that would leave them little salary cap space to pay for other players.

Philips goes to the Burger King across the street to try and play out the final few years he has left in his tired body. They landed the high profile free agent with a $6.80 per hour contract. He hopes to one day capture the Employee of the Month award that has for so long eluded him. He leaves store #507 holding several franchise records including most burgers served in a career and highest order completion percentage. There is talk ownership may retire his nametag and place it on the wall, any future hires named Dave will have to choose a new name while at the store.

As Philadelphia attempts to move on without the legend who has guided their McDonald's for so long, they wonder what the future holds...

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Posted on: January 20, 2009 9:34 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:06 am
 

Panic Sweeps Country as Cardinals Secure SB Berth

(By TSC Contributing Writer Matt Webb)

Across the nation and around the globe people are dealing with the terrifying reality that the Arizona Cardinals have actually won the NFC Championship Game and will play in Super Bowl 43. Of course, its not that the Arizona Cardinals themselves strike fear into the heart of. . .well, anyone at all. As the oldest running franchise in NFL history, the Cardinals have set such a high bar for failing miserably year after year that they are officially listed in the dictionary as a synonym of the words “futile” and “crappy.” Further, its widely noted that their mascot of choice, the cardinal, is perhaps the wimpiest of all birds, known in the bird world by such nicknames as “sissy bird” “gay jay” “limp wing” and “egg licker,” just to name a few.

So why the mad rush to grocery stores to stock up on basic food items and other necessities? Why the sudden run on generators, gasoline and firearms? And why are people around the globe calling loved ones to make contact and in some cases say their tearful goodbyes? Clearly, it is due to the notion that a team as annually inept and underwhelming as the Arizona Cardinals actually making it to the pinnacle of professional sports is so far-fetched and unlikely that most fear the real possibility that the occurrence of other unlikely catastrophic events, and quite possibly the end of the world, is sure to follow.

TSC contacted Lance Inglebaum, a UNLV professor, mathematician and odds maker, to shed some light on exactly how rare it is for a team like the Cardinals to earn the chance to play for football’s biggest prize. “I would say this is an extremely rare event,” noted Inglebaum “one we can expect to see once every 10,000 years or more.” So great are the odds, that Inglebaum noted that it was much more likely of witnessing other rare events such as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, a Washington Generals two-winning streak, Oprah dipping down below 200 pounds, or even the highly unlikely event that Paris Hilton would be photographed wearing undergarments.

Inglebaum went on to note that in his opinion, the opening line for the Super Bowl (Steelers -7) was much too low, and theorized that the likelihood of the Cardinals actually winning Super Bowl 43 was less than “a Texas-sized asteroid striking the earth killing all of its inhabitants immediately.” He furthered predicted that should the Cardinals actually pull off a victory on Super Sunday, we should be prepared for the worst, including “mass hysteria, loss of power grids and other infrastructure, and the immediate resumption of witch trials and burnings at the stake.” In fact, so real was the threat in his mind, that Inglebaum noted he would be canceling his annual Super Bowl party and would instead be watching the game with a few of his closest friends at his fallout shelter located approximately 500 feet below the earth’s surface “just in case.”

Though the staff of TSC is committed to maintain its independence and objectivity when it comes to covering sports, I think in this case we can make an exception. Go Steelers!

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:19 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Patriots might have had a chance to beat the Dolphins this Sunday, but that was before they had to rely on Matt Cassel to throw the ball. They will be lucky if they can get 100 yards through the air.
  • To be Donovan McNabb must be great, you have a completely secure job as the franchise QB, everybody in Philadelphia loves you, and you don't have to spend time reading or knowing any of the NFL rulebook.
  • People in Cleveland have started to talk bad about Brady Quinn's play recently after a very good showing in his first NFL game, don't be surprised if Derek Anderson has to come on the field for a bit and remind their fans what bad quarterback play really looks like.
  • Apparently when you are a giant anthropomorphic Whopper from Burger King, you still somehow manage to get a really hot human wife. I don't know how that love making works, but there is a strangely rare lack of results when I type "burger porn" into a search engine. Someone needs to get to work on that type of website immediately, this is an untapped gold mine. Prospective names you can use: "Hold The Pickles", "Mayonaisse On The Side", "I'll Take It Medium Rare".
  • Shaun Alexander is returning to face Seattle for the first time since being cut. So far this season he has a stunning 24 total yards in five games. If only they hadn't cut such an integral part of the offense, they might not be 2-8. Look for him to rub it in their faces by running for 5 yards, and showing them what they are missing out on.
  • Say goodbye to your nice run Jets fans, it's time to face a team that can really put up some points, and all you've got to answer them with is that Favre guy.
  • I just realized that Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio's name in Spanish means Jack Of The River! That would be an awesome syndicated action-adventure series. His co-stars can be all these players from the Jags who obviously don't have much talent in football playing. Maybe they would be better actors instead.
  • Bud Light, the difference is drinkability. Remember when you tried to drink other liquids like Listerine, conola oil, a glass of urine, or that crazy water stuff and you threw it up everywhere? Well, you should have been drinking Bud Light, it is the one drinkable liquid. Every other beer you have to chew apparently.
  • If only the Lions were able to get a nice lead on a team, I'm sure they would be able to hold onto it...
  • T.O. is just not the same receiver he used to be, I remember when he would get 200 yard games like it was nothing. Now he is struggling just to make a first down. That will be bad for Dallas' chances this week.
  • I think the Colts not having a clutch kicker is going to haunt them at some point this season. Adam Vinatieri? I don't know who this scrub is, but they need to pick someone up before they need to kick a long one to win a game.
  • Ah! Hurry everyone, abondon this Cardinals bandwagon we are all floating on! We appear to have hit an iceberg called the New York Giants! We are sinking back into the pack of mediocre NFC teams! See if some of us can get a ride on the U.S.S. Falcons for a few weeks!

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com