Tag:Philadelphia Phillies
Posted on: July 21, 2010 8:02 am

Broken Bats Too Dangerous, Say Vampire Pitchers

The Vampire Baseball Players Union today released a scathing report about the rash of broken bats taking place at MLB games all across the country. It has reached near epidemic proportions in recent years, with multiple bats per game shattering into dangerous shards of wood.

Vampire Union president Randy Johnson spoke out against the troublesome bats.

"These are an extreme danger to any vampire who may be on the mound," said an irate Johnson. "In all my years of being a creepy, pale, unnatural looking vampire out there on the rubber, I have never seen so many stakes fly right at people. It's just a matter of time before one goes right through someone's heart, and we have a pile of burning clothes where a decent family loving vampire's body used to be."

He went on to call the stakes exploding from bats borderline racist, and asked how African Americans would feel if bats exploded and fried chicken came out. He said clearly the bat manufacturers are designing these things as an insult to Transylvanian-Americans.

Other vampires are weighing in on the matter, such as Eternal Undead Jamie Moyer.

"I've personally had to dodge several of these things over the years," said Moyer. "Luckily I'm older than even the game of baseball, so I've learned how to get away from flying stakes, but I'm worried about these young blood suckers. Between this and all the day games I keep complaining to the schedulers about, it's just dangerous out there for us. Next thing you know they'll be pretending like Sammy Sosa's garlicked bat incident didn't happen."

The Vampire Union says it will wait for a solution from Louisville Slugger, the manufacturers of all MLB bats, but not forever. They then said they could technically wait forever due to their immortality, but would only give them another Twilight movie or two to find fix.


Posted on: October 30, 2008 9:03 am
Edited on: October 30, 2008 9:28 am

3 Inning Game Almost Short Enough To Watch

The rain shortened 3-inning World Series game last night between the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays was almost short enough and interesting enough for Ray Marks to watch. The Charleston South Carolina native picked up the controller and considered changing the channel from the NBA basketball he was watching to baseball, but then couldn't do it.

"I just got scared," said Marks. "I really said, maybe with only three innings, the possible championship crowning game, and two teams that really deserve a win, I could watch some baseball. But, it just wasn't quite enough. At one point I attempted to make it down the dial to Fox, but I got distracted by a repeat of Deal Or No Deal on the way through the channels. This woman was totally freaking out about whether she should take a deal! It was crazier than baseball ever could have been! I eventually made my way to FOX, but they were in the middle of a pitching change. So, I tried flipping over a couple times during the Phoenix-San Antonio game, but each time they were just changing pitchers. I think that happened each of the 20 times when I tried to watch."

Marks says while there wasn't quite enough to get him to tune into the sport he finds so boring, he is not ruling out viewing in the future. He says that maybe if there is ever a 1-inning game, during a game 7, and the losing team dies, then he might find it interesting enough to tune in.

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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:21 am

Nader Makes Bold Prediction For World Series

As the World Series begins tonight, the presidential candidates are choosing their sides in the matchup. John McCain has picked the Tampa Bay Rays, citing their underdog status as the reason for his choice. Obama has picked the Philadelphia Phillies, for their hardworking attitude and teamwork. But third party presidential candidate Ralph Nader believes we may see an upset no one expects: The Washington Nationals

"I'm not counting out a Washington Nationals World Series this year," said Nader at a rally in Oregon on Tuesday. "Sure they have the worst record in baseball. Sure they aren't even in the series. Sure they have been off work for the last month and are probably not going to get together again until February. But I think this team has a chance to still surprise everyone and take home a national championship!"

"You don't have to pick from the best of two evils," continued Nader. "That is what I love about this country, is that everyone has a shot. Even a team eliminated from contention. Sure, it looks like only these two organizations are still in it. But just when you think one of them is about to catch the last out, the Nationals could storm the field and make that catch instead. What happens then? Who knows. That's why I love America."

Washington Coach Manny Acta said his team is motivated by how few people are picking them to win it all. "We are not getting any respect from the news media, as usual. I think the disrespect given to our chances to win this World Series are just going to drive our guys to push harder to win this thing. All year we've been struggling for respect. When we would not get swept by the Mets in a 4-game series, did we receive the top story on SportsCenter? Of course not, because ESPN is only about pandering to the Tampa and Philadelphia markets. I think we'll surprise everyone at the World Series."

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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:25 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:27 am

Government Warns: Boring Phils-Rays Series Coming

President Bush addressed the nation Tuesday night around midnight, as the horrifying news had reached most of the population. "My fellow Americans," began the President. "By now you have all heard, it appears we are headed for one of the biggest disasters in the history of our great nation. We are on the brink of horrifically boring Rays-Phillies World Series. I want everyone to stay calm in this difficult time. I know all of you want to see teams with players who you don't need to have turn around so you know their names. You want to see what kind of excitement would happen if Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez were to return to Boston. But, it's looking like that is not going to happen now. We thought it couldn't get worse than the Rockies last year, but apparently it can. But, we are going to be strong, and face this World Series together, as one people."

When news of the Rays-Phillies merger were made public, the stock market took a nosedive. People began taking all their money out of FOX and MLB and putting it into sports like the NFL and preseason NBA, stuff people will still care about next week.

Even the presidential candidates began preparing bailout plans in case this disaster comes to fruition. Obama proposed airing a consolation World Series between the Red Sox and Dodgers, which would just happen to take place on FOX at the same dates and times. The actual World Series would be bumped to ESPN Deportes Dos. McCain called the plan reckless, and said he would pour public funds into lucrative time travel research. With it, he would go one year into the future, tape the 2009 World Series on his Tivo, and bring it back here for the nation the watch. Obama responded by saying we can not sacrifice our children's future World Series to save this one.

All around the country people have been stocking up on canned goods, chips, and snack cakes; food to eat while bored. One New Jersey man has built an entire World Series shelter underground for his family to go into, should this one happen. "I won't allow them to be exposed to such high levels of boring during that week," said the man. "Who knows what could happen with us not caring so much about these games. We might switch over to one of those CSI spinoffs or something. I can't allow that to happen."

The water cooler business has been one of the hardest hit, with sales down 70% for next week. "People in offices everyone are afraid to go get water," said a spokesman for Culligan. "When they get there, what could they possibly talk about? Did you see that hockey game last night? Please, that's crazy talk. It will just be too awkward. We have advised hospitals around the country to prepare for an influx of dehydration cases in emergency rooms. This World Series could have dire consequences on every aspect of our society."

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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:30 am

Brewers Fans Happy With Unimpressive Playoff Run

The Milwaukee Brewers put the finishing touches on their triumphant season yesterday as they lost again to the Philadelphia Phillies, and exited the playoffs in the first round. Despite having CC Sabathia, the Brewers were unable to mount much opposition to the Phillies as they lost 3 games to 1. "Well, we always knew this team had to talent to be a playoff team," said manager Dave Sveum. "Not World Series caliber talent, mind you, but enough to maybe get in and then lose pathetically in the first round. We said it all season, we are a playoff team, and we proved it with our run there at the end. I think we lived right up to expectations."

Many around the country consider this an anti-climactic end to their season that culminated in an exciting race with the Mets for the wild card. But, those in Wisconsin say it was an adequate conclusion. "We knew how long they have been working to put together this team of slightly better than mediocre talent," said longtime fan Ben Williams. "And we know that they aren't going to be able to afford this massive $60 million payroll. We are almost up to 1/4 of the Yankees! This was a one year shot to make sort of impressive run, and we sure did just that. Now, it's time to blow it up and start building it again for the next quarter century. Man, I love baseball."

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Posted on: October 2, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 2, 2008 9:54 am

TSC's Keys To Victory: NL Edition

TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

  • Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the gayest looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.

  • Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.

  • Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.

  • Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:19 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:36 am

Mets Give Shea Right Sendoff With One Final Choke

Flashbulbs went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even louder.

Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium, and to being a Mets fan."

Manager Jerry Manuel was given a 4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2 games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet." Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com