Tag:San Diego Chargers
Posted on: January 22, 2009 10:04 am
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Steelers To Consider Covering Larry Fitzgerald

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin fielded questions in a press conference today about his team's plans for Super Bowl XLIII. A reporter asked if he intended to actually cover Larry Fitzgerald, as the three NFC teams had failed to do thus far in the playoffs.

"Well that's a good question," said Tomlin. "The answer right now I'd have to say is no, although that could change if we see something in film that makes us worry about him. I just don't think he's a very big threat out there with the way he's playing."

"But sir, he has 451 yards and five touchdowns over his last three games..." added the reporter.

"Yes, but we know what he's going to do, catch multiple touchdowns and make desperate third and long receptions. We know what he's all about. But what is a player such as third string tight end Ben Patrick up to? 0 receptions for 0 yards? We need to find out what he's up to out there. So far our only defensive gameplan is to double team him as often as possible."

"Ben Patrick? I don't even think he's on the field for more than a couple plays per game..."

"Look, somehow this giant guy has managed to remain completely invisible for three straight games. I don't trust it. Even when he's out of bounds on the sideline I'm going to have 2 guys covering him, just to make sure he doesn't try anything. He could be planning on making a 5 yard catch at some point in the next few years, and I don't want it to be on my watch. We're onto you Patrick, you son of a bitch."

"Mr. Tomlin, are there any other things you are worried about defensively?" asked another reporter.

"Yes, very much so," replied Tomlin. "We are very concerned about the wildcat offense. Ronnie Brown and Chad Pennington did some scary things with that this year. We are making sure we have a few emergency plays in case Brown comes onto the field and tries to get a trick play on us."

"But, he doesn't even play for you, nor do you guys run that offense..."

"Look, you guys do your reporting thing, and I'll do my coaching thing. It was my gameplanning that got us to this point in the first place. It was my plan against Baltimore to always keep a safety watching the eyebrows of Joe Flacco in case he was hiding an illegal weapon in them during the game. It was my plan against San Diego to make sure LaDainian Tomlinson was triple covered at all times and couldn't beat us, even though he was injured and sitting on the bench. And we won both those games. So you let me handle this, and trust me, the big plays aren't going to come from Larry Fitzgerald. From what I've seen, we have nothing to worry about with that guy.

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 10:04 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:13 am
 

Harrison's Car Wash & Shooting Range To Franchise

In a press release that was sent out to all major media outlets today, it was made known that Marvin Harrison's Wash 'N Shoot franchise would be opening 5 new locations in and around the Philadelphia area in the near future. The popular combination of car wash and shooting range has been a surprising success for the Indianapolis wide receiver, aside of course from the three person shooting that took place there last year, for which Harrison is a suspect.

The press release talks about the success of the franchise: "When Harrison opened the first combination of live fire gun range and car wash, many people thought it wouldn't work. These are probably the same people that thought Randall Cunningham's Colonics & Discount Plumbing Supplies wouldn't work either. But, here we are five years after our grand opening, and business is bigger than ever! The so-called safety inspectors said we would have too many accidental gunshots, but we've only had three...that have been reported to the authorities. Only 3 people put in critical condition in five years? I'd say that makes them the no-fun inspectors."

The concept of Marvin Harrison's Wash N Shoot is both simple and brilliant. You drive your car through the long wash tunnel as in any normal car wash, only with all the windows rolled down. You, your wife, and your kids are all given live semi-automatic handguns to use during the ride. Then, as you proceed down the tunnel, you battle the hot wax and cleaning brushes coming into your window to shoot at various targets. A sign warns that if you do not bring your best skills, you will probably lose a portion of your eyesight, as the wax is toxic.

The targets that pop up during the ride are all villains that Marvin Harrison has battled throughout his career and life. You can shoot the Patriots Defense, the Chargers Defense, the Steelers Defense, or just any of the 100's of defenses that have played the Colts in the playoffs and managed to shut them down. You can also battle Harrison's hamstring, which has plagued several of his recent seasons. He actually had the muscle removed and hung onto a target for some realistic bloody action. Finally, you have the chance to shoot a giant monster made of scrambled eggs and Skittles candy, that used to haunt Marvin's dreams as a young boy. It is truly terrifying.

The press release goes on to say that the new Wash N' Shoot locations are looking for new employees: "We are now hiring for Chloraform And Relocation Specialists. You will need to have experience chloraforming injured people and relocating them off-property so that the police do not catch wind of it. Experience chloraforming people aside from merely female dates prefered. Examples of previous body relocation work desired, can provide shovels to dig if hidden bodies deceased."

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:44 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:50 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Cincinnati Bengals and Philadelphia Eagles are just two teams on completely different ends of the spectrum, don't look for this game to be close on the scoreboard at any point during the day.
  • Benjarvis Green-Ellis, you are now a part of my amazing fantasy roster along with Carson Palmer and Laurence Maroney. I know you are going to get about 30 carries per game and get enough points to carry me to a championship.
  • 5 Hour Energy, 5 minutes and 5 dollars spent on the production value of our commercials.
  • Eh, Steelers and Chargers going at it again. This is a matchup we have seen so many times in the past, and with their offenses we will have a score we have seen many times in the past too.
  • With the way the Packers have been playing lately, the Bears can easily just mark this game as a big blowout win on their calendars. Feel free to use permanent marker too, you guys are even getting back the dynamic and amazing Kyle Orton as well!
  • Sorry Buccaneers, but if you want to get consistent wins you're going to have to get someone in at QB who makes fewer errors than Jeff Garcia. That guy is just not an efficient game manager.
  • Is anyone else concerned that over the last several years the nerdy "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy from Verizon has been steadily building up an army with which he confronts people who would dare question the reliability of his network? What happens when and if he decides to turn them on the rest of us? Nerdocalypse. That's what.
  • The Dolphins look pretty good, but they are going to have to work with Chad Pennington because he can't hit the broad side of a barn out there on the field. The box score for last Sunday's game left their star wide receiving Barn with 0 catches once again, something they will need to remedy to win.
  • The Giants won't be much of a match out there for Baltimore due to their bruising run defense. It will be like trying to run against a brick wall.
  • In meetings this week, the Jaguars defensive secondary was focusing on one thing about the Titans, and that's double or triple coverage of wideout Justin Gage. They are going to shut him down hard.
  • If only there really was an airline run by roadies, I would feel very safe being 15,000 feet up in the air with my life in the hands of dirty 40-year-old white guys wearing leather chaps. But hey, at least they are communicating efficiently with their awesome push to talk cellphones. Hopefully they can push to talk an SOS as we plumit to the ground.
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Posted on: November 11, 2008 10:52 am
Edited on: November 11, 2008 10:58 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Suddenly, the Rams look very competitive. Expect them to compete hard with the Jets and everyone else the rest of the season.
  • The Titans running game has looked so amazing, I am going to start both their runningbacks this week! Here come the points baby!
  • I have no idea why this great quarterback was at home flipping burgers for half the season!" - Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli on QB Daunte Culpepper. I can't figure it out either Rod, he is amazing in my copy of Madden 2001.
  • Whoa friend! What's that you have there? A wussy 1000 calorie fast food meal in a bag? If you were a real man you would get this awesome KFC box, featuring 8 different fried things. I'm not sure what some of them are, but they are covered in extra tasty crispy batter and hence delicious. Who cares if they are my total caloric intake for the entire week.
  • If the Texans can just hang with the Ravens for 3 quarters, they will find a way to pull out a win.
  • Drew Brees has shown a lot of good chemistry with some of the Falcons defenders, look for them to hook up on some big scores.
  • Word out of Carolina is that some scientists from MIT are going to run an experiment and see just how bad a quarterback can play against the Oakland Raiders and still win a game. We'll see how that goes.
  • Wait a minute, for some reason I am not being inundated by 3 commercials per break telling me how people in government are lying to me and trying to raise my taxes...
  • Pittsburgh may lose from time to time, but at least when they do they aren't crybabies about it.
  • If only the Kansas City Chiefs had some balls and took some risks, they might be able to get a win every now and then.
  • On Monday night, for the first time in 19 seasons, Hank Williams Jr. will not be ready for some football...
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Posted on: October 28, 2008 9:09 am
Edited on: October 28, 2008 9:16 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Arizona will beat out Carolina simply because they have such a dedication to the running game, and that's what everything else builds off of on offense.
  • The new Lions quarterback could very well be the best Orlovsky ever to play in the NFL.
  • What if firemen ran congress? Well, apparently they would talk incessantly on Nokia beep phone radios despite the fact they are in the same room. Now being politicians they would probably then charge the country for these large uneeded phone Bills. Also, it appears that firemen never shower or wash their clothes. Oh, and we would probably have a lot fewer fires.
  • Cowboys fans are going to be pumped up and happy if their team can match their high octane offensive performance of 14 points from a week ago.
  • Hey Brits! This is how a real sport is played, with a lot of scoring! No 5-3 soccer score nonsense here, because we times all our touchdowns by 7, so we get sensible scores like 35-21. Much more exciting looking numbers right there...
  • Those poor Dolphins fans, they get stuck with a scrub like Chad Pennington while Jets fans get to bask in the glory of Brett Favre. That must suck.
  • Watch out Orlando Magic, Dwight Howard has apparently been eating quite often at McDonald's over the offseason. Judging by how many times I have had to watch the commercial where he peels off game pieces while he gets eyed by a young white racist, he has been there 12,837,438 times.
  • The Bengals defense is going to make the stat sheet look pretty ugly for Texans QB Matt Schaub, because they are a very tough unit. Also, there will be a bunch of Bengals statistics on there which will ruin any statsheet.
  • Brian Westbrook is way too banged up to do much this week, keep him on your fantasy bench. That tip was free, you can all thank me later.
  • It's going to be a tough battle to see who can out-horrible the other team. But I've got to give a leg up to Seattle in this one. I think San Francisco is going to win it because the new coach just seems to have confidence in his players, he's going to stick with them no matter what in this game.
  • If you get together 200 of your friends, get drunk on Guiness, and then go to the top of an office building with access to every room, you can turn off and on the lights repeatedly. This will look awesome to the one janitor in a neighboring building who notices. Doesn't that sound like fun? Well, trust me, it will when you're drunk on Guiness.
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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:15 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:19 am
 

Johnson Improves Fight Record Vs. Women To 5-0

Kansas City Chiefs runningback Larry Johnson improved his amateur boxing record to 5-0 Tuesday with a surprise knockout of a woman at a Kansas City nightclub. This has prompted the Chiefs to suspend him from the team following an investigation. The victory proves once again just how dominant Johnson is proving in the amateur rankings, and that he wants to go pro. The bout last night was a hastily sanctioned fight, scheduled immediately after the woman refused to dance with Johnson. It was expected to go a couple rounds, as the woman had a longer reach than Johnson and was only about 120 pounds lighter. But the crafty southpaw hit her with some well timed jabs and then delivered a knockout blow that sent her flying across the dance floor.

Much like Kimbo Slice, Johnson's battles are proving to be internet video sensations. "This guy is street, he's hardcore," said Quinn Vega, a college student and fan of Johnson. "He can take on any woman at any time...just as long as it's in a dimly lit environment...and he has a broken bottle as a weapon...and they have their back turned. He's so tough."

The decisive victory once again brought up talk that Larry Johnson should turn pro, and challenge some of the bigger names in female fighting. "I want a title shot!" said Johnson following the knockout. "Give me Laila Ali or Gina Carano, or anyone! If they have a vagina, I will knock them out! That is my promise! I remember when I was 13, and I beat my first girlfriend. I knew then that I had a special gift. I want to thank my parents, for raising me with a lack of morals and dignity. They always told me I should beat up girls, because they will probably not fight back, unless they look like they lift weights. They said I should probably still avoid them. But now I can share this gift I have with the world. I am going to be the best fighter of women in the history of the world. Just you all wait and see."

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