Tag:San Francisco 49ers
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
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Posted on: October 28, 2008 9:09 am
Edited on: October 28, 2008 9:16 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Arizona will beat out Carolina simply because they have such a dedication to the running game, and that's what everything else builds off of on offense.
  • The new Lions quarterback could very well be the best Orlovsky ever to play in the NFL.
  • What if firemen ran congress? Well, apparently they would talk incessantly on Nokia beep phone radios despite the fact they are in the same room. Now being politicians they would probably then charge the country for these large uneeded phone Bills. Also, it appears that firemen never shower or wash their clothes. Oh, and we would probably have a lot fewer fires.
  • Cowboys fans are going to be pumped up and happy if their team can match their high octane offensive performance of 14 points from a week ago.
  • Hey Brits! This is how a real sport is played, with a lot of scoring! No 5-3 soccer score nonsense here, because we times all our touchdowns by 7, so we get sensible scores like 35-21. Much more exciting looking numbers right there...
  • Those poor Dolphins fans, they get stuck with a scrub like Chad Pennington while Jets fans get to bask in the glory of Brett Favre. That must suck.
  • Watch out Orlando Magic, Dwight Howard has apparently been eating quite often at McDonald's over the offseason. Judging by how many times I have had to watch the commercial where he peels off game pieces while he gets eyed by a young white racist, he has been there 12,837,438 times.
  • The Bengals defense is going to make the stat sheet look pretty ugly for Texans QB Matt Schaub, because they are a very tough unit. Also, there will be a bunch of Bengals statistics on there which will ruin any statsheet.
  • Brian Westbrook is way too banged up to do much this week, keep him on your fantasy bench. That tip was free, you can all thank me later.
  • It's going to be a tough battle to see who can out-horrible the other team. But I've got to give a leg up to Seattle in this one. I think San Francisco is going to win it because the new coach just seems to have confidence in his players, he's going to stick with them no matter what in this game.
  • If you get together 200 of your friends, get drunk on Guiness, and then go to the top of an office building with access to every room, you can turn off and on the lights repeatedly. This will look awesome to the one janitor in a neighboring building who notices. Doesn't that sound like fun? Well, trust me, it will when you're drunk on Guiness.
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: September 23, 2008 9:27 am
Edited on: September 23, 2008 9:31 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
  • With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
  • Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
  • If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
  • Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
  • It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
  • Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
  • The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
  • I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
  • I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
  • The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
  • Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!
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Posted on: August 28, 2008 9:25 am
Edited on: August 28, 2008 9:46 am
 

Merriman To Play This Season Despite Decapitation

The Chargers have made it official that defensive end Shawn Merriman will play this season despite a decapitation he suffered in a preseason game last week. In the 2nd quarter against the 49ers, Merriman was beheaded on a hard chop block by on of the San Francisco runningbacks. The head rolled around the field, as players from both sides confused it for a fumble and tried to step on it or jump on top of it. Charger trainers came on the field to attempt to re-attach it, but only after waiting for his torso to stop spraying blood all over the place. Horrified viewers at home watched as they attempted to put it back on with a stapler, scotch tape, and even some gum one of them was chewing. They took him and the head off on a stretcher and onto a helicopter, which took them to a local elementary school, where he was to receive Elmer's glue surgery to put it back on.

It was believed the injury could put him out of action for a few weeks, and possibly even require him to miss the season. But, the Chargers have informed the press that Merriman has agreed to play in this upcoming season, and will start in week one. They made the announcement at a press conference, with the headless body of Merriman in attendance.

"We asked him, hey, you still want to play this season right? If you don't feel up to it, just give us the word...But, he didn't say anything, because he's a trooper. This kid has got some real guts, and we look forward to having him on the field with us. He's so ready to play, he's wearing his uniform right now. In fact, I think it may be the same blood-covered uniform he wore in that preseason game. This kid is ready for more action."

It's unknown how well Merriman can perform without a head, but it's believed one of the defensive tackles will help hold him up during plays. Team management say that they don't want to lost a pro-bowler from their defense, and he's free to stop at any point, if he just tells them. They say this plan could work out great, they want to remind everyone of the success of Weekend At Bernie's and Weekend At Bernie's 2, both of which featured similar events.

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