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Tag:St. Louis Rams
Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
SportsComedian.com
Posted on: March 6, 2009 9:18 am
 

Stafford Moving Back Home After Lions Workout

The Detroit Lions held a private workout yesterday with probably number one draft pick Matthew Stafford at their private practice facility in northern Michigan. They were said to be very impressed by the athleticism of the player out of Georgia, and were going to start negotiations immediately with his agent. But, after realizing he was probably going to be taken by the Lions, or at best the Rams, Stafford is said to now be considering taking a few years off before finding a job.

"Hey man," said Stafford in an interview. "I'm just not sure what I want to do with my life yet. I just graduated college, that doesn't mean I have to go out and get a job right away. Sure, it's a decent offer. $25 million a year, never have to worry about money again, blah, blah, blah. But the Lions? I don't know about that."

"My parents have made an intriguing counter offer of a futon in their basement, pizza a couple times a week, and the ability to borrow dad's car on the weekends. I am considering it with my agent as we speak."

"But," he continued. "I really think I just need to move back home for a little bit. There are so many busts in the NFL, I don't know if I want to be just another name on the list with Ryan Leaf. Maybe I'll get a part-time position at a coffee house, try to get people to listen to my self-made emo music on MySpace, and argue with my folks constantly about how I'm doing nothing with my life. That sounds like a much more interesting future than a career with the Lions."

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: November 11, 2008 10:52 am
Edited on: November 11, 2008 10:58 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Suddenly, the Rams look very competitive. Expect them to compete hard with the Jets and everyone else the rest of the season.
  • The Titans running game has looked so amazing, I am going to start both their runningbacks this week! Here come the points baby!
  • I have no idea why this great quarterback was at home flipping burgers for half the season!" - Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli on QB Daunte Culpepper. I can't figure it out either Rod, he is amazing in my copy of Madden 2001.
  • Whoa friend! What's that you have there? A wussy 1000 calorie fast food meal in a bag? If you were a real man you would get this awesome KFC box, featuring 8 different fried things. I'm not sure what some of them are, but they are covered in extra tasty crispy batter and hence delicious. Who cares if they are my total caloric intake for the entire week.
  • If the Texans can just hang with the Ravens for 3 quarters, they will find a way to pull out a win.
  • Drew Brees has shown a lot of good chemistry with some of the Falcons defenders, look for them to hook up on some big scores.
  • Word out of Carolina is that some scientists from MIT are going to run an experiment and see just how bad a quarterback can play against the Oakland Raiders and still win a game. We'll see how that goes.
  • Wait a minute, for some reason I am not being inundated by 3 commercials per break telling me how people in government are lying to me and trying to raise my taxes...
  • Pittsburgh may lose from time to time, but at least when they do they aren't crybabies about it.
  • If only the Kansas City Chiefs had some balls and took some risks, they might be able to get a win every now and then.
  • On Monday night, for the first time in 19 seasons, Hank Williams Jr. will not be ready for some football...
SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:46 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
  • Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
  • The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
  • CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this idiot guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a monkey is making noises in the background?" -Tom
    "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
    "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
  • Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
  • I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
  • Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
  • Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
  • When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
  • Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
  • And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.
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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:30 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:34 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
  • Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
  • Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
  • Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
  • The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
  • It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
  • Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
  • The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
  • With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
  • Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
  • Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.
This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: September 23, 2008 9:27 am
Edited on: September 23, 2008 9:31 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The St. Louis Rams just have too much talent, they have to hold someone below 35 points eventually.
  • With Derek Anderson leading my fantasy team, I have no chance of coming in 10th again this year! Whoa! Jamal Lewis is available on the free agent wire too! I can finally dump Ronnie Brown now!
  • Chris Berman must receive a royalty check every time he uses the annoying phrase "circling the wagons" in talking about the Buffalo Bills.
  • If only the Denver Broncos had some offense, they might be pretty good. They might struggle to score at all this week against the Saints.
  • Pittsburgh versus Philadelphia, a game featuring two of the most durable QBs over the last few years.
  • It's only a matter of time before we see a commercial for a Hummer hybrid, touting an amazing 6 miles per gallon over the normal 4!
  • Brian Griese will struggle against his old team, as he always does. This is a problem, because he has been shipped around so much nearly every team is his old team.
  • The Vikings scoreboard operator might run into some trouble this week. When they installed the new player stats board, they left only two digits for passing yards, knowing Tarvaris Jackson was their QB. They may have to make some changes on it now that Frerotte is their man, and 100 yards passing is again a possibility.
  • I usually have to journey deep into the dark recesses of the internet to find woman and horse videos, but now I can enjoy them during football, thanks to the new Axe Body Wash ads featuring a centaur showering. That's some hot stuff.
  • I won't accept that one of the Lions or 49ers have to win their game Sunday, I think somehow, despite the statistical impossibility, both of them lose.
  • The NFL schedulers announced that teams may now cross Kansas City off their schedules, replace it with an automatic W, and treat it as a second bye week. This will save Kansas City area fans from having to watch that horrid team on TV.
  • Bud Light with Lime, it's the classic taste you remember from the olden days of...4 months ago, when we came out with it because people were loving Miller Chill. Relive your younger and better days, the days of May 2008!
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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com