Tag:Tampa Bay Rays
Posted on: October 30, 2008 9:03 am
Edited on: October 30, 2008 9:28 am
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3 Inning Game Almost Short Enough To Watch

The rain shortened 3-inning World Series game last night between the Philadelphia Phillies and the Tampa Bay Rays was almost short enough and interesting enough for Ray Marks to watch. The Charleston South Carolina native picked up the controller and considered changing the channel from the NBA basketball he was watching to baseball, but then couldn't do it.

"I just got scared," said Marks. "I really said, maybe with only three innings, the possible championship crowning game, and two teams that really deserve a win, I could watch some baseball. But, it just wasn't quite enough. At one point I attempted to make it down the dial to Fox, but I got distracted by a repeat of Deal Or No Deal on the way through the channels. This woman was totally freaking out about whether she should take a deal! It was crazier than baseball ever could have been! I eventually made my way to FOX, but they were in the middle of a pitching change. So, I tried flipping over a couple times during the Phoenix-San Antonio game, but each time they were just changing pitchers. I think that happened each of the 20 times when I tried to watch."

Marks says while there wasn't quite enough to get him to tune into the sport he finds so boring, he is not ruling out viewing in the future. He says that maybe if there is ever a 1-inning game, during a game 7, and the losing team dies, then he might find it interesting enough to tune in.

SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:21 am
 

Nader Makes Bold Prediction For World Series

As the World Series begins tonight, the presidential candidates are choosing their sides in the matchup. John McCain has picked the Tampa Bay Rays, citing their underdog status as the reason for his choice. Obama has picked the Philadelphia Phillies, for their hardworking attitude and teamwork. But third party presidential candidate Ralph Nader believes we may see an upset no one expects: The Washington Nationals

"I'm not counting out a Washington Nationals World Series this year," said Nader at a rally in Oregon on Tuesday. "Sure they have the worst record in baseball. Sure they aren't even in the series. Sure they have been off work for the last month and are probably not going to get together again until February. But I think this team has a chance to still surprise everyone and take home a national championship!"

"You don't have to pick from the best of two evils," continued Nader. "That is what I love about this country, is that everyone has a shot. Even a team eliminated from contention. Sure, it looks like only these two organizations are still in it. But just when you think one of them is about to catch the last out, the Nationals could storm the field and make that catch instead. What happens then? Who knows. That's why I love America."

Washington Coach Manny Acta said his team is motivated by how few people are picking them to win it all. "We are not getting any respect from the news media, as usual. I think the disrespect given to our chances to win this World Series are just going to drive our guys to push harder to win this thing. All year we've been struggling for respect. When we would not get swept by the Mets in a 4-game series, did we receive the top story on SportsCenter? Of course not, because ESPN is only about pandering to the Tampa and Philadelphia markets. I think we'll surprise everyone at the World Series."

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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:46 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
  • Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
  • The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
  • CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this idiot guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a monkey is making noises in the background?" -Tom
    "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
    "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
  • Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
  • I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
  • Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
  • Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
  • When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
  • Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
  • And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.
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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:25 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:27 am
 

Government Warns: Boring Phils-Rays Series Coming

President Bush addressed the nation Tuesday night around midnight, as the horrifying news had reached most of the population. "My fellow Americans," began the President. "By now you have all heard, it appears we are headed for one of the biggest disasters in the history of our great nation. We are on the brink of horrifically boring Rays-Phillies World Series. I want everyone to stay calm in this difficult time. I know all of you want to see teams with players who you don't need to have turn around so you know their names. You want to see what kind of excitement would happen if Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez were to return to Boston. But, it's looking like that is not going to happen now. We thought it couldn't get worse than the Rockies last year, but apparently it can. But, we are going to be strong, and face this World Series together, as one people."

When news of the Rays-Phillies merger were made public, the stock market took a nosedive. People began taking all their money out of FOX and MLB and putting it into sports like the NFL and preseason NBA, stuff people will still care about next week.

Even the presidential candidates began preparing bailout plans in case this disaster comes to fruition. Obama proposed airing a consolation World Series between the Red Sox and Dodgers, which would just happen to take place on FOX at the same dates and times. The actual World Series would be bumped to ESPN Deportes Dos. McCain called the plan reckless, and said he would pour public funds into lucrative time travel research. With it, he would go one year into the future, tape the 2009 World Series on his Tivo, and bring it back here for the nation the watch. Obama responded by saying we can not sacrifice our children's future World Series to save this one.

All around the country people have been stocking up on canned goods, chips, and snack cakes; food to eat while bored. One New Jersey man has built an entire World Series shelter underground for his family to go into, should this one happen. "I won't allow them to be exposed to such high levels of boring during that week," said the man. "Who knows what could happen with us not caring so much about these games. We might switch over to one of those CSI spinoffs or something. I can't allow that to happen."

The water cooler business has been one of the hardest hit, with sales down 70% for next week. "People in offices everyone are afraid to go get water," said a spokesman for Culligan. "When they get there, what could they possibly talk about? Did you see that hockey game last night? Please, that's crazy talk. It will just be too awkward. We have advised hospitals around the country to prepare for an influx of dehydration cases in emergency rooms. This World Series could have dire consequences on every aspect of our society."

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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:11 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:28 am
 

Cliche Free Interview Given After Win Over Sox


With all the excitement about the Tampa Bay Rays being within one win of the World Series, one of our intrepid TSC reporters was able to catch up with big contributor Carl Crawford after their big win on Tuesday. He was surprisingly sports cliche-free in describing his team's accomplishment. "Wow, I'm just so glad this game is over," said Crawford. "You think that was boring for the Boston fans in attendance? Man, you should have been us out there on that field. It was hard to stay awake out there. When I got my 5th hit of the night, I just looked around and thought, do I really have to run around these bases again?"

"I mean, this was a game we didn't really have to win. We would have still been in this thing even losing a couple in Boston. Everyone has really been believing in us all season, and all the media has given us a lot of respect, so it was kind of obvious we were gonna win this thing. But, I can take most of the credit for this win, I did have 5 hits after all. Sure, I have some teammates out there, but it wasn't really a team effort, I did most of the work. I'm just proud of the rest of the guys, though. Everyone went out there and gave it a good 60%. But I really put in about 65%, and that was the difference in why we won."

"Now we're up 3-1, and this series is pretty much over already. We just have to come out tomorrow and finish it off, but if we don't we still have 2 more chances. I think the biggest credit for our winning goes to the fact that we go out there and leave, not all of it, but a good portion of it out on the field. You still need to save some of "it" for the after victory party. After all, the champagne isn't going to pour itself over the stripper's breasts..."

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Posted on: October 9, 2008 9:16 am
Edited on: October 9, 2008 9:19 am
 

Boston Caught Cheating With New Hot Young Rivalry

Gossip magazine TMZ broke the story today that the Boston Red Sox were seen on the town last night with a new hot young rivalry. Little is known about the new rivalry, as details from the scene were sketchy. But word has it that the Red Sox were seen partying it up in St. Petersburg with the Tampa Bay Rays until early in the morning. The New York Yankees, the rivalry the Red Sox have been married to for the past 100 years, had no comment on the report. "We don't respond to tabloid rumors," said one Yankees spokesman.

Indeed it has been bad times lately for one of Hollywood's oldest rivalries. At times this year, it seemed as if both teams just didn't have the same spark they used to have for each other, with the Yankees especially seeming disinterested in both the Red Sox, and winning. It's no wonder the Red Sox are now out on the town with the hot young Rays, who had been flirting with Boston all season. Fights, close games, and home sweeps, all left fans in the audience wondering just when these two teams would just get a room already.

Apparently they have, with the Red Sox PR director saying, "Look, we have had a great rivalry with the Yankees. We still love each other, but we've just grown apart over the last few months. We've continued to keep ourselves in great shape, while they have started to look like the Baltimore Orioles. It's disgusting, and we needed some time apart. We're not saying our rivalry is over forever, we're just gonna give this Tampa Bay thing a shot, see where it goes. We have a lot in common, and we just need to see for ourselves if maybe they would make a better rivalry. If we were meant to be, we will be again. Goodbye New York. Goodbye."

An angry Hank Steinbrenner said "Those young Tampa Bay sluts think they can break up our rivalry just because they had a couple years of sound salary management and smart pitching trades! We have worked for a century to build this rivalry up, and they can't just come in here and tear it down in a season! We'll be back together before you know it!"

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Posted on: October 2, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 2, 2008 9:54 am
 

TSC's Keys To Victory: NL Edition

TSC presents our keys to victory for the MLB playoffs. Every website and news organization likes to offer its keys to victory, detailing what each of the teams making it into the postseason will need to do to attain victory. While they can rely on things such as scouting and research, we don't have the luxury of such things. We're covering the NL today, and the AL on Friday. Without any further adu, we present the TSC Keys To Victory:

  • Philadelphia Phillies: The Phillies have a lot to overcome in this series, they have a lot of failure in their team history which will haunt them. But even more dire than that, they have one of the gayest looking mascots in all of sports. This is the mascot that makes even Steely McBeam feel uncomfortable and homophobic when left alone with him in the mascots bathroom. He looks like a muppet serial killer, and has prevented the Phillies from being taken seriously for years. If they can overcome the foppishness of the Phillie Phanatic, they will be able to win.

  • Los Angeles Dodgers: They now have Manny Ramirez, a great player and a man who hates helmets more than any in the game. He throws it off whenever he runs around the bases, he smears his own feces all over the front of it, he can't stand his helmet. They need to make sure he takes it off as often as possible. It constricts the greatness that is his clutch hitting and lazy outfield play. If they uncage the hair, they will uncage the beast, and be able to take home a World Series.

  • Chicago Cubs: The Cubs have been cursed ever since they would not allow a man to bring his goat into Wrigley field 100 years ago. Now is there best shot to win a championship and they have to make right what they did wrong a century ago. To fix their err, they should not allow any humans to buy tickets for their playoff games at Wrigley, only goats. Put the tickets online. Livestock is surprisingly efficient with computers, despite their hooves. If you have a stadium full of baaing goats, the other team will really feel the pressure, and finally the curse will be off your shoulders.

  • Milwaukee Brewers: They have always been one of the most professional and respected organizations in baseball, mainly because of their extremely classy sausage race. It was a pure race for years with only a hot dog, bratwurst, polish sausage, and italian sausage taking part. But starting at the beginning of last season, they let a chorizo, or Spanish sausage into the races. This goes against everything the competition has stood for, and that's American traditions and values. There is nothing more American than a Polish sausage, and it's time we got back to that instead of this forced integration. I bet that chorizo crossed the border illegally to get in this country anyway, I want to see his papers from the meat-packing plant. Do the right thing, and Uncle Sam will bless you with a championship.
SportsComedian.com
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Posted on: July 23, 2008 10:38 pm
Edited on: July 23, 2008 10:40 pm
 

Troy Percival Blows Save Of Woman In Car, Kills 3

A terrible three car accident occurred today on a stretch of highway East of Tampa Bay. But Rays closer Troy Percival happened to be passing by in the opposite direction when the wreck happened, and stopped his car to see if he could go in for the save. He found 2 cars overturned with people trapped inside. He attempted to get to a woman in one of the cars that was upside down, but the door was jammed shut. He was headed back to his vehicle to try and find a bat to pry it open with, but as he did so he threw his lit cigarette on the ground to put it out. The cigarette ignited the gasoline that had leaked from the broken cars and spread to the vehicles which become covered in flames. After a few minutes the two cars exploded and Percival and others watching stood by in horror.

When police arose on the scene and asked Percival what happened he had to following to say: "Well, I didn't have my best stuff out there today, I'll admit it. I thought I was going to be able to pick up the save, but I just couldn't get it done. But look, I still have converted 23 of 26 save chances this year. That's about league average. Yes, I did accidentally punch that man in the balls instead of the stomach when he was choking at that restaurant. Yes, I threw that cat a little forcefully out of that tree instead of handing him down nicely. But, my record in saves is pretty damn good. If the highway patrol want to make a switch at closer, they just need to let me know."

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
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