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Tag:Tennessee Titans
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: March 3, 2009 9:08 am
Edited on: March 3, 2009 9:12 am
 

Skins Land Haynesworth By Giving Custom Jersey

The Washington Redskins are doing what they do best in the offseason, giving mega contracts to the biggest free agents. This time the beneficiary of Daniel Snyder's wallet is defensive end Albert Haynesworth, who inked a 7-year $100 million dollar deal over the weekend from the Washington owner.

When Haynesworth was asked what made him pick the Redskins over the Tenessee Titans, the team he had played his whole career for, he said the answer was simple.

"They offered me this great custom Redskins jersey!" he exclaimed, holding the jersey up so everyone in the press could see his name printed on the back. "Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted one of these custom jerseys from the NFL Shop, but my mom always said they were too much. $200 bucks to spend for an authentic one, I could never get myself to pull the trigger on that purchase, even with my millions made from football."

"But Mr. Snyder here offered to give me however many of these custom authentic jerseys I wanted, so I just couldn't pass this offer up. The $100 million dollars also helped. I've ordered all kinds of great jerseys: I've got a Haynesworth jersey coming for each team in the league, I've got a Packers jersey with Favre's name spelled sensibly, I've even got one that says F*ck You Giants, to help me get in the mood for this divisional race. These things are awesome! They are just like the jerseys that the players wear!"

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:44 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:50 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Cincinnati Bengals and Philadelphia Eagles are just two teams on completely different ends of the spectrum, don't look for this game to be close on the scoreboard at any point during the day.
  • Benjarvis Green-Ellis, you are now a part of my amazing fantasy roster along with Carson Palmer and Laurence Maroney. I know you are going to get about 30 carries per game and get enough points to carry me to a championship.
  • 5 Hour Energy, 5 minutes and 5 dollars spent on the production value of our commercials.
  • Eh, Steelers and Chargers going at it again. This is a matchup we have seen so many times in the past, and with their offenses we will have a score we have seen many times in the past too.
  • With the way the Packers have been playing lately, the Bears can easily just mark this game as a big blowout win on their calendars. Feel free to use permanent marker too, you guys are even getting back the dynamic and amazing Kyle Orton as well!
  • Sorry Buccaneers, but if you want to get consistent wins you're going to have to get someone in at QB who makes fewer errors than Jeff Garcia. That guy is just not an efficient game manager.
  • Is anyone else concerned that over the last several years the nerdy "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy from Verizon has been steadily building up an army with which he confronts people who would dare question the reliability of his network? What happens when and if he decides to turn them on the rest of us? Nerdocalypse. That's what.
  • The Dolphins look pretty good, but they are going to have to work with Chad Pennington because he can't hit the broad side of a barn out there on the field. The box score for last Sunday's game left their star wide receiving Barn with 0 catches once again, something they will need to remedy to win.
  • The Giants won't be much of a match out there for Baltimore due to their bruising run defense. It will be like trying to run against a brick wall.
  • In meetings this week, the Jaguars defensive secondary was focusing on one thing about the Titans, and that's double or triple coverage of wideout Justin Gage. They are going to shut him down hard.
  • If only there really was an airline run by roadies, I would feel very safe being 15,000 feet up in the air with my life in the hands of dirty 40-year-old white guys wearing leather chaps. But hey, at least they are communicating efficiently with their awesome push to talk cellphones. Hopefully they can push to talk an SOS as we plumit to the ground.
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Posted on: November 11, 2008 10:52 am
Edited on: November 11, 2008 10:58 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Suddenly, the Rams look very competitive. Expect them to compete hard with the Jets and everyone else the rest of the season.
  • The Titans running game has looked so amazing, I am going to start both their runningbacks this week! Here come the points baby!
  • I have no idea why this great quarterback was at home flipping burgers for half the season!" - Lions Head Coach Rod Marinelli on QB Daunte Culpepper. I can't figure it out either Rod, he is amazing in my copy of Madden 2001.
  • Whoa friend! What's that you have there? A wussy 1000 calorie fast food meal in a bag? If you were a real man you would get this awesome KFC box, featuring 8 different fried things. I'm not sure what some of them are, but they are covered in extra tasty crispy batter and hence delicious. Who cares if they are my total caloric intake for the entire week.
  • If the Texans can just hang with the Ravens for 3 quarters, they will find a way to pull out a win.
  • Drew Brees has shown a lot of good chemistry with some of the Falcons defenders, look for them to hook up on some big scores.
  • Word out of Carolina is that some scientists from MIT are going to run an experiment and see just how bad a quarterback can play against the Oakland Raiders and still win a game. We'll see how that goes.
  • Wait a minute, for some reason I am not being inundated by 3 commercials per break telling me how people in government are lying to me and trying to raise my taxes...
  • Pittsburgh may lose from time to time, but at least when they do they aren't crybabies about it.
  • If only the Kansas City Chiefs had some balls and took some risks, they might be able to get a win every now and then.
  • On Monday night, for the first time in 19 seasons, Hank Williams Jr. will not be ready for some football...
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: October 2, 2008 9:32 am
Edited on: October 2, 2008 9:55 am
 

Henry's Cocaine Not As Delicious, Says Competitor

Travis Henry was arrested today on suspicion of cocaine dealing in a suburb outside of Denver. It is believed he was involved in a multikilogram cocaine transaction outside of a nightclub, but was caught by an undercover officer in the middle of the night. The arrest has surprised many in the area, mainly because more than half the children in Colorado are Travis Henry's. But also because they did not know he was peddling coke. "Well, I'm very disappointed," said longtime Broncos fan Greg Kirkman. "I've been purchasing my cocaine from a shady character downtown for years! I had no idea I could get it from one of my own Broncos! I don't care about the price! I wouldn't trust Henry to watch my kids or be alone with my wife, but I do trust him to know the very best in cocaine..."

But the news is not sitting as pretty with The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse, Denver's largest superstore for illegal drugs, and also chairs. La-Z-Boy, stardust, Ashley Furniture, blow, Kane's, rock, they have all the best brands. "We want to remind everyone that The Cocaine N Chairs Warehouse has been your trusted source for all your sitting and smoking needs since 1971," they released in a statement. "Don't be fooled by all the free advertising Travis Henry is trying to stir up by being arrested. When you smoke our coke, you know you are smoking the finest Columbian imports. And it's all backed by the CNCW 100% guarantee. If you aren't 100% high after smoking our cocaine, feel free to try and figure out how a phone works when blitzed out of your skull and call us for a refund. Offer only good while high as balls."

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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:30 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:34 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • Sorry Washington, there is no way you are beating America's football analyst bandwagon team.
  • Ha ha Jets! You guys get stuck with Brett Favre, who's so old he just can't keep it up for an entire game. I bet by the second quarter he's already gassed. You guys only wish you had Aaron Rodgers, someone so durable and so accurate.
  • Remember when Larry Johnson was actually good? Even the horrid Denver defense is going to be able to shut him down.
  • Seriously, what's with the lamp? You can only buy 99.9% of the official Steelers team merchandise released?! You sir, are not a fan.
  • The Chargers have looked decent in recent weeks, but I just don't think they have an explosive enough offense to rally in the 4th quarter.
  • It will be a tough task for the Rams stadium announcing crew to keep from laughing out loud when they announce Trent Green as their starting quarterback. It will be an even tougher task to keep them from offing themselves later in the season after watching a few more games of this team.
  • Frank Caliendo's Dish Network commercials, just as hilarious as his TBS show featuring sketches with an astounding 8 impersonations, 4 of which are John Madden. A show so funny even TBS said it wasn't good enough to stay on their air.
  • The Titans undefeated streak will end this week when they run into the unstoppable force that is Gus Frerotte.
  • With Carson Palmer out with a last-minute injury, the Bengals hand the reigns over to Ryan Fitzpatrick from Harvard. At least with a guy that smart, they won't be making too many costly mistakes...
  • Come on Jacksonville, have an exciting close game for once!
  • Thank you Coors Light, finally a beer bottle that turns blue to tell us when it's cold, it was way too hard to tell by touching it with our hands.
This is a joke column we run weekly here at TSC and on CBSSports.com. Some people however fail to realize that it is in fact a joke, so to check out the hilarious responses check out THIS and THIS.

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The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com