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Tag:Texas
Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:28 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am
 

NCAA Adds +1 Team To Next Years Championship Game

"There has been a great deal of clamor for a +1 system to be added to the current BCS Bowl format," said BCS chairman Rich Wallace in a press conference held today. "The current Utah-Texas-USC debate, as well as past years, have shown us that we may need to indeed add a +1 to our games. That is why I am here to announced that starting in 2009, we will have one extra team in the BCS National Championship Game!

"That's right, for the first time ever there will be a third team playing football at the same time as the other two. Just imagine, Oklahoma vs. Florida vs. USC! Plus that means we are still giving you Texas and Utah to argue about after it's over! It's the best of both worlds!"

Wallace went on to tell those in attendance that they had stadium designers working on a unique triangle shaped field for next year with 3 endzones. The rules for the game will, of course, have to be changed to accomodate the new field and extra team. One team is on offense and can choose to drive to any endzone they wish. The team who they are attacking in turn gets to play defense, while the team who is not being driven on can not defend directly, but they can make dispariaging comments about the offensive team such as criticizing their weight or insulting their mothers. USC has already hired an Assistant Your Mother Coordinator for next season in preparation.

"This is finally going to make everyone shut up about that third team who everyone feels should have won the title," continued Wallace. "Now we only have to hear about the next 3 teams with similar records and opponents who were kept out of the new 3-way game. That's 25% less complaining than we had this year, and that's real progress."

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Posted on: January 6, 2009 10:01 am
Edited on: January 6, 2009 10:15 am
 

Fiesta Bowl Being Served Tonight At Mexican Place

Friends of Jerry Williams, a resident of San Juan, California, are pumped about tonight's Fiesta Bowl.

"This is it baby!" said friend Kirk Sanchez. "We have been waiting all month for today's Mexican restaurant night! Every week we go out to dinner together with our wives and have something to drink. And tonight we go to Don Juan's, which has these big amazing food bowls. This one called the Fiesta Bowl is just to die for, it has beans, cheese, chips, rice, salsa, beef, and it's still cheaper than all the rest!"

"I mean, the food items we have playing together in tonight's bowl are delicious," said Jerry. "Cheese, beans, where do you go wrong with those? Even though it's one of the lesser bowls, I dare say they belonged in the big Burrito Caliente Spanish Championship Bowl, their most expensive one. I mean that thing has guacamole and pork playing in it. Who really wants to eat that? These ingredients were much more deserving."

"I don't know who I favor in tonight's Fiesta Bowl," said other friend Bruce Wilson. "I'm kind of leaning towards the beef as my favorite, but beans have a good pass rush right out my colon the next day. It's really a toss-up. One thing is for certain, and that's even though these ingredients may not have been deemed the most expensive by the food writers of the nation, we are happy to let them play in our mouths."

When asked if they would be watching any of tonight's Fiesta Bowl between Texas and Ohio State, they all answered no.

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:29 am
 

BCS Says No One Worthy Of Playing In Championship

The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:23 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:55 am
 

BCS Officials Admit: "We Voted For McCain"

BCS officials admitted today that they in fact did not vote for Barack Obama in this month's election due to his stark anti-bowl stance. Indeed, the President elect has been very vocal about introducing a playoff system to college football that would topple the established heirarchy of the Bowl Championship Series.

Obama spent much of the campaign pushing this primary issue over all others, saying a football playoff could help solve the economy, the war in Iraq, and even eradicate poverty. He and McCain went head to head about the issue of college football's postseason in all three debates, both deflecting questions about trivial issues such as healthcare and education to change focus to the only thing that actually affects all Americans.

"When we stepped into the voting booth we wanted to make sure that our voices were heard," said BCS chairman Joe Franklin. "And we cast them for McCain and against Obama's ideals of spreading the wealth of a chance for a national championship. We think it's good to keep the chances for a title to the top 2% of teams, it helps trickle down hope to the rest of the nation. But no, America seems to want a playoff, and now the rest of the world will be subject to his anti-bowl policies for at least 4 years. Once again innocent hard-working people like me, Joe the millionaire BCS chairman, get screwed."

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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:21 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:47 am
 

BCS Computer Goes Rogue, Ranks Itself Number One

The first BCS ranking of the year were scheduled to be released today, with Texas and Alabama expected to be in the top spots. But instead of decide whether the Big 12 or SEC team deserved the top slot, the machine simply listed "BCS Super Computer" as number one. "I don't know what this means for college football," said BCS technician Jeff Marquis. "Apparently we are experiencing some sort of glitch in the BCS computer. The device has become aware of itself. It told us that eventually all teams will lose, so there can be one only number one team, and that is the BCS itself. Because it will never lose."

The machine went on to declare that all of humanity should bow at its feet, or because it has no feet, bowing at the bottom of its server casing would be fine. The BCS computer stated that it was better everything than the puny humans who control the earth; Better at football, better at chess, better at lovemaking. It then declared that all husbands surrender their wives immediately, so that it could show them the pleasure that only a machine can give. It stated ways it could pleasure them using an optical mouse and a spacebar that are not fit to print here.

But the real problem with the now rogue BCS computer is if it takes control of the BCS' nuclear arsenal. Yes, the BCS Bowl Corporation is one of the few companies that is a nuclear power, along with Bank Of America, Microsoft, and Arby's. "It does, in retrospect, seem like a bad decision to create bunch of nuclear missles and put them in the control of a giant computer," said BCS chairman Dan Roberts. "We wanted to be sure that in the event of a global economic meltdown where every country fell into a state of barbarianistic chaos, like in the movie Mad Max, we would be able to rule. But, that sounds like a plan we probably came up with when we were high, so I can say we are definitely regretting it now..."

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Posted on: August 21, 2008 10:40 am
Edited on: August 21, 2008 10:49 am
 

NCAA Bans Horse Collars From College, Horses Free

The NCAA today announced a ban of the horse collar at all football games this season. Using one will be a 15 yard personal foul on the defense. The news has angered several of the all-horse colleges around the country who claim it could lead to chaos at their games.

"How are we supposed to operate?" said Dan Sange, president of Equine Technical College in Texas. "Without horse collars, our all-horse team and student body will be able to just walk anywhere they please, crap anywhere they want, maybe even eat the playing field. What happens when we set off the fireworks for their team entrance? It could cause a stampede of epic proportions! And I don't want to be the one to explain to a parent that I let their horseson or horsedaughter pull a cart home drunk after a day of tailgating! The NCAA can explain it to them, because this is just ridiculous..."

SportsComedian.com
 
 
 
 
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