Tag:The Sports Comedian
Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:56 am

Netherlands Queen Declares Open Season On Octopi

Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands vowed on Monday that her land would not be embarrassed anymore by cephalopods, after a psychic octopus correctly picked Spain over the Netherlands in the World Cup final. She immediately announced open season on the fishing and hunting of octopus in the surrounding waters.

"This is the last time we are humiliated by an octopus!" said the Queen. "The time our country elected someone's pet squid as Prime Minister back in the 90s was rather bad, but this takes the cake. Yes, letting Oily the Squid run our country for 4 years wasn't the best decision we made as a nation, but it only resulted in massive unemployment, debt, and a conversion to a fish based economy. But this is the World Cup!"

Common people around the country have begun heading to the seas to hunt these creatures to extinction. The government is now providing a subsidy on any octopi harvested over the next few weeks. They have even applied to have the psychic octopus extradited to the Netherlands to stand trial for "being a dick", apparently a crime in the land of the Dutch.

The Queen has also said that all octopi with a license in psychic practices are no longer allowed to do business in her country. It's unknown how many business that truly affects, but estimates put fish psychology industry at 12% of the Dutch economy.

"They will be made an example of," continued the Queen. "That you can not just lazily sit in a fishtank all day and decide the fate of entire nations! I will not be satisfied until I am dining on an octopus, cooked in a pot made of hardened octopus skin, being served to me by a waiter wearing shoes made of tentacles, while sitting upon a chair upholstered in octopi leather."


Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:40 am

Display Of Fake Emotion Following Spainís Win

2010’s version of the World Cup is now complete and the club from Spain outlasted the Netherlands and all other contenders to hoist the trophy for the first time in their country’s history. The tournament that was marked by a breathtaking display of professional flopping and feigned injuries not seen since. . .well since the 2006 World Cup, and the final match, resulting in Spain’s 1-0, victory was the perfect culmination of an entire month of staged pratfalls and exaggerated pain that soccer fans had grown accustomed to over the years.

Following their victory, the Spanish team took to the stage to accept their trophy. They appeared, to those who didn’t know any better, to be sincerely overcome with joy as manufactured tears streamed down their cheeks.

Spain’s coach Vicente del Bosque Gonzalez took to the microphone to accept the trophy and congratulate his team on their performance.  “Never have I been more proud of a group of grown men who fall straight to the ground at the slightest hint of contact and who then flail around like they have just severed an appendage.  These guys are the best in the world.  But I must give credit to the Dutch team as well, they played a great match and put on a great show.  I know if I weren’t a professional coach who understands the art of flopping, I might have believed that a few of their players were truly injured and in incredible pain.”

The player of the game had to be Spanish midfielder Andrés Iniesta, who not only scored the winning goal, but flopped a game leading 9 times. It was announced shortly before the award ceremony that not only did he win the MVP award, but also was nominated for a Primetime Emmy in the United States for best leading actor in a flop.

“This is a big moment for me,” said Iniesta, sporting a huge, unbelievable smile. “I have prepared for this celebration my whole life, starting from the time I was a little boy pretending to fall and roll around in pain whenever a girl pushed me.  All my years of overreacting has led me to this.  I couldn’t even lie on my pillow and pretend to sleep last night, I just kept standing in front of the mirror practicing my excited faces, and now its finally paid off.”

"I also want to thank those in America for the Primetime Emmy nomination. To be put up against the likes of Jay Mohr for his awful sitcom Gary Unmarried, I have never seen a show flop so hard. It really fills me with pride."

When questioned regarding the authenticity of the tears welling up in his eyes, the star confirmed they were indeed staged, but added “Crying on cue isn’t easy. Most people think you can just grab a diced onion or some mined garlic, but those items aren’t readily available on a soccer pitch. But I learned that if you reach into your shorts and rip out a handful of pubes while no one is looking, it makes the tears flow much easier.”

After the seemingly heartfelt words of their coach and star player, the Spanish team left the podium at which time their smiles faded and their tears of joy immediately dried up.


Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:29 am

Entire City Of Cleveland To Leave Ohio For Miami

"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.


Posted on: July 8, 2010 7:59 am

Confused Old Racist Hoping To Win A LeBron At 9PM

Mary Watkins of Billings, Montana told the local paper today that she is hopeful she will win tonight's LeBron James lottery.

"I am told he'll make his decision tonight on who he'll be signing with, and it could be anybody" said Mrs. Watkins in a phone interview. "I don't know anything about him or basketball, but I've always wanted to own a black man, and everyone seems to think this LeBron James is the best one of those. I can't wait! I can't believe he's just going to sign with anybody live on national TV! This is so exciting!"

Mary, is a well known racist in Billings, who has tried repeatedly to order a black person from shopping website Amazon.com, only to have two accounts closed by their customer service department. She also is the only member of the town's White History Month committee, responsible for creating events that celebrate the struggles of the caucasian people.

When asked why she should be favored over the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, or New York Knicks for LeBron, she cited her delicious lemonade recipe she promises to make for him every day if he completes his farm work. She also said that he wouldn't have to work with so many scary black people at her house, like he would on an NBA team.

When LeBron was asked for comment on Mrs. Watkins hope to purchase him into slavery he said "Who knows where I'm going to sign! It could be with this whacked out white lady! You'll have to tune in tonight at 9PM, only on ESPN, to find out!"


Posted on: July 8, 2010 7:46 am

Pack Of Men Secretly Racing Bikes In France

The media learned today that Lance Armstrong and other men are currently riding bikes around France in some sort of secret race. Due to all the disdain for cycling in America due to repeated controversies, and the thought that Armstrong is a longshot to win this year, apparently no one realized this race was taking place.

"I remember once we actually cared about cycling for a week every year," said Gary Thorne, producer at ESPN. "But I can't for the life of me remember why, or what this thing in France is called...I think it's some kind of bicycle tour where they show people around the countryside? Maybe eating cheese is involved? I think there's also something to do with a guy who only has one ball too... I just don't care enough about this thing to remember, especially with news of LeBron James to discuss."

The United States military is looking into the secret race, with a spokesman saying that the Pentagon does not like any covert events taking place in Europe or Asia. It is said they have top officials scouring the deepest regions of basic and extended cable to try and find our information on the race, but it has so far turned up very little.

The government is also following up leads on where the World Cup vanished to on American TV after the U.S. lost two weeks ago. They say both issues will be found, and more information will be released to the general public when they have it.


Posted on: July 7, 2010 7:39 am

MLB Fans Vote Selves Into All-Star Game

The process of having fans only vote on the MLB All-Star Game has finally backfired on Major League Baseball, as they have announced no active players have made it onto either roster this year. For years the fan vote process has been chided by critics for allowing undeserving popular players to slip into the game ahead of those with better stats. But now the biggest snub might be players like Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer, as not a single player will be taking part in the festivites this year.

"Well, I guess I just wasn't quite having the year I thought I was," said a dejected Miguel Cabrera after hearing the news that he hadn't made the AL team. "I thought for sure a .339 average, 20 homers, and 71 RBIs would be good enough to punch my ticket, but apparently they thought someone else would make a better choice."

Jerry Birkowitz, the man who the fans thought made a better choice at first base, has never played in the major or minor leagues, but does occasionally take part in a winter softball league with his coworkers. His popularity in Detroit, for owning three car dealerships, is believed to be the primary reason he made the team this year.

"I'm just honored to make the team," said Birkowitz. "I worked long and hard to make sure everyone at Tigers games wrote down my name on the ballot under the write-in category. Playing in an all-star game has been a dream of mine since...at least 2 months ago, when I realized I could probably bend the rules to get away with it. I'm so happy right now."

He is just one of 48 fans who managed to get enough votes to propel them over major stars and into the game which will decide home field advantage and the fate of the MLB season.

"Wow, this is a big responsibility, I hope we don't let the viewers down" said Dave Henderson, another fan taking part in the game, "But even if we can't really play baseball, we're all planning on being really really drunk, so it's going to be pretty fun to watch anyway."


Posted on: July 2, 2010 8:00 am

GM Unhappy W/ What Wife Brought Home From Market

New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh waited patiently at the house as his wife came back from the first day of the open free agent market. When she arrived with the groceries, he followed her into the kitchen to see what she brought home.

Donnie - "Hi honey, what did you pick up today at the market?"

Wife - "Well, I got you some of your favorites here, I got you a Chris Bosh and a Joe Johnson!"

Donnie - "A Joe Johnson! Honey you shouldn't have!"

He rushes over to see what else is in the bag and begins pulling out his new players. But then he sees something and looks surprised.

Donnie - "Whoa, what in the hell is this? A Richard Jefferson?! Why would you buy one of these?"

Wife - "Look, we have a little extra cap room this year, I didn't think it would hurt. And as we were checking out Little Billy saw him sitting there and really wanted one...You know how he can be. I just threw it in the basket!"

Donnie - "Damn it woman, Gregg Popovich has been telling everyone at the office how these Richard Jeffersons are pieces of junk! Very unreliable, always breaking down...and now we have one! I hope you got the extended warranty!"

Wife - "I...I...didn't..."

Donnie - "Oh my god, I need a Carlos Boozer...I hope you at least got a six pack of that..."

Wife - "Oh, the Carlos Boozer...I knew I forgot something!"

Donnie - "What? You know I like to relax after a long day at the office with an ice cold Carlos Boozer! Well did they have any of what I sent you there for? Did they have any LeBron James?"

Wife - "No...they were sold out."

Donnie - "Sold out! I told you to pre-order that thing on launch day! First the iPhone 4, now this! All the other GM's are going to laugh at me!"

Wife - "I was told they might have more stock of LeBron Jameses in 6 years or so..."

Donnie - "I don't want a LeBron James in 6 years, I want one now! He's going to be all old and washed up in 6 years! This is the last time I send you to the free agent market alone...but at least we have a little cap room left."

Wife - "About that..."

Donnie - "What else did you buy? Another purse? A new pair of shoes?!"

Wife - "I got a...Shaq..."

She pulls Shaq out of the paper bag, and he waves at Donnie Walsh. 

Donnie - "A Shaq?!?!?! No one wants him! What am I going to do with him?!"

Wife - "Well...he's not for you or the Knicks...he's for me..."

Shaq - "I'm gonna show her the Shaqtus."

Shaq takes her by the hand and leads her out of the kitchen, while Donnie stands there, mouth agape.


Posted on: July 1, 2010 8:00 am

Milwaukee Bucks Secretly Sign All Free Agents

The NBA talk shows and websites have been abuzz the past several months with where exactly LeBron James will end up next season. That buzz has only intensified over the course of the last several weeks, as we come down to the wire on a time when he will have to make his decision. But one team has quietly used all that publicity to make a big move that will surely shake up the NBA next year.

The Milwaukee Bucks announced today that while every other team is bickering and fighting over LeBron James, they have secretly signed all 42 other NBA free agents. The move doesn't ensure they will have the best team next year, but certainly the largest.

"We have won the free agency game," said GM John Hammond in a press conference today. "Paul Pierce? Got him. Dirk Nowitzki? He's ours. Chris Bosh? He's one of our 11 centers we now have on this roster. Everyone was out there trying to lure in LeBron, and we snuck in and got everyone else! The power is ours!"

He then let out a loud prolonged supervillain laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The move puts the Bucks at well over the roster limit with 51 active players on their roster, and offering everyone lucrative enough contracts to come immediately means their payroll is at around $500 million dollars. But Hammond isn't worried, saying he is just happy they won free agency, and he's sure they can figure out all the numbers later.

It was unknown how Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh would work together on the Miami Heat if they were to end up there, but it's even more unknown how the 2 dozen superstars on the Bucks will be able to co-exist. It's predicted each player will only see about 4-6 minutes per game, even if they are a starter.

"One thing's for sure, we're gonna have a great bench," said Hammond. "Well, I guess I should say benches, or on second thought I'll probably need to buy us some bleachers for the sideline."

One lucky fan was even able to capitalize on the Bucks willingness to sign any free agent. Nick Davies, an Apple Store employee from Milwaukee is now a member of the roster after a little deception. "So I was just walking by their offices at the arena, and I saw a sign saying "Welcome Free Agents". I went in, put my name down, and sure enough I'm now making $3 million dollars next year to play Power Forward! I'm only 5 foot 4! I love it!"

The NBA is still reviewing the legitimacy of the 42 free agent pickups.


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com