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Tag:USC
Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:44 am
 

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 16, 2010 7:29 am
 

NCAA Investigating How UNC FB Had Winning Record

The NCAA announced today that the North Carlina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that they somehow had 8-5 records the past two seasons. The discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books for last season to decide early season schedules, and sure enough next to North Carolina it said 8-5.

The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.

"Obviously there has been some cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"

Some theories thrown about as to how they got winning records range from normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those pens from the Men In Black movies.

"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."

Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believe games could be forfeited until their record looks more like the 3-4 wins everyone thinks North Carolina should have. USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given to them, should they be taken away from NC.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: June 29, 2010 7:48 am
 

USC To Join Axis of Evil Conference

Conference realignment has been the buzz word of the college football off-season and a huge source of confusion for most sports fans.  To sum up the recent changes simply:  Colorado left the Big 12 for the Pac-10, making the Pac-10 actually the Pac-11 and reducing the Big 12 down to the Big 11.  Then the Big Ten (which really had 11 teams) added Nebraska making the Big Ten effectively the Big Twelve and leaving the conference formerly known as the Big 12 with just ten teams.  Then Utah joined the Pac-11 to make it the Pac-12 and we thought things were settling down on the conference shift front.  That is until the stunning announcement that USC will be leaving the Pac-12 conference, making it the Pac-11 again.

“As of today we will be withdrawing our appeal of the recent NCAA sanctions and ordering all NCAA inspectors off our campus,” stated USC athletic director Mike Garrett “We have instead decided to accept an invitation to become a member of the Axis of Evil Conference effective immediately.”  According to Garrett, the school received a call from AOEC officials following news of the harsh NCAA ruling.  It seems the group was looking to replace former AOEC member Iraq following the latter’s transition to a free society and was also looking to expand their evil influence into college football.  “It seems like the perfect fit to us.  The AOEC has experience thumbing their noses at unjust sanctions from overbearing institutions.  They’ve promised us that the puny NCAA will not be a problem and that it will be backroom business as usual at Southern Cal.  We’ve even discussed using their contacts to add a nuclear option to our offensive playbook for the next season. ”

The transition could prove more difficult than USC expects.  TSC has learned that the AOEC requires each member to cut all social and economic ties with the West and to adopt an official language other than Satan’s tongue (read English).  Despite the challenges, new coach Lane Kiffin seems confident.  “I am very happy with this move,” said Kiffin, “Convincing recruits to renounce their United States citizenship may seem hard to some, but we have the best recruiting staff in the entire world here at USC.  We just remind these kids that no matter what evil we may perpetrate, at the end of the day we put people in the pros.”  As for the new language, Kiffin said the team has already begun the process of transitioning over to “whatever that language is that Coach O speaks.”

While Southern Cal fans may be surprised by this recent turn of events, it seems clear that folks in Oakland and Knoxville were right to claim that Lane Kiffin is an evil. . .well not genius, bent on college football dominance just like North Korea’s head man Kim Jong Il and Iran’s skipper Mahmoud Ackm. . .Mahmoud Ahmi. . .the beady-eyed, bearded dude.  “USC is a very strong and powerful school,” said Kiffin, “much too powerful to submit to the rule of any conference and especially to the whims of an organization as biased as the NCAA.  The AOEC was attractive to us on many levels:  First, they have no restrictions on recruiting which fits in with the way we do things here at USC; B) they have assured me that we can add the Southeastern Conference, Urban Meyer and all Tennessee fans to the AOEC list of sworn enemies; and 3) their football national champion is determined by supreme leader instead of by some stupid BCS formula invented by greedy capitalists.”

SportsComedian.com
Posted on: February 5, 2009 11:06 am
 

0 Star Recruit To Decide Between CVS & Jr College

It's national signing day, and all recruits, even the lowest of them are on the radar of the college football faithful. None is perhaps more low on the ranking than Montana's Patrick Sutter, 3rd string quarterback of the Missoula High School Fighting Plastics Manufacturers. He had hoped that college scouts would look past his failing to start a single game in his career, due to the fact that competition is so tough at the Montana school.

It was thought he might be looked at like a Matt Cassel, who faced similarly tough competition at lowly programs USC and New England and couldn't get a starting job, but flourished when given a chance. But things didn't quite work out that way for Sutter, as he was not scouted by a school and even received a letter from Scouts Ltd. rating him at 0 stars.

"I think that these places are making a big mistake," said Sutter. "Just last week I set the high score in my xbox game of NCAA 09, I threw like 30 touchdowns. Now, I will admit that I had a cheatcode on for no gravity and rocket powered footballs, but I'm pretty sure if given the chance I'd be able to do that in real life as well."

But the fact he hasn't been recruited by anyone is not stopping the young man from holding a press conference to announce where he will sign after high school.

"This just narrows my options a bit, and contrary to what they've been talking about on SportsCenter every night, I have a lot of places offering me free rides. Right now I have offers from a CVS Pharmacy down the street to be assistant night manager, they told me I can start right away and can even call my own plays. I have a scholarship offer from Montana Community College for their Air Conditioning Repair program, which sounds like a program I might want to be a part of. Then there's this one from the Air Force, an actual division I school mind you! They say they will give me a completely free ride if I just go to Iraq for a little while. I'm sure I can play football in those desert conditions, so I'm fine with that."

With so many suitors after Sutter, it's hard to guess where he'll end up. His father is an alumnus of the local plastics factory, so he could end up going there as well in hopes of getting his hard hat and flannel shirt retired on the wall next to his old man. TSC will monitor the situation and have more as a decision is made.

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Posted on: January 20, 2009 10:00 am
Edited on: January 20, 2009 10:01 am
 

Sports Figures Honor Inauguration Of Barack Obama

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:
  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.
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Posted on: January 8, 2009 9:28 am
Edited on: January 8, 2009 9:53 am
 

NCAA Adds +1 Team To Next Years Championship Game

"There has been a great deal of clamor for a +1 system to be added to the current BCS Bowl format," said BCS chairman Rich Wallace in a press conference held today. "The current Utah-Texas-USC debate, as well as past years, have shown us that we may need to indeed add a +1 to our games. That is why I am here to announced that starting in 2009, we will have one extra team in the BCS National Championship Game!

"That's right, for the first time ever there will be a third team playing football at the same time as the other two. Just imagine, Oklahoma vs. Florida vs. USC! Plus that means we are still giving you Texas and Utah to argue about after it's over! It's the best of both worlds!"

Wallace went on to tell those in attendance that they had stadium designers working on a unique triangle shaped field for next year with 3 endzones. The rules for the game will, of course, have to be changed to accomodate the new field and extra team. One team is on offense and can choose to drive to any endzone they wish. The team who they are attacking in turn gets to play defense, while the team who is not being driven on can not defend directly, but they can make dispariaging comments about the offensive team such as criticizing their weight or insulting their mothers. USC has already hired an Assistant Your Mother Coordinator for next season in preparation.

"This is finally going to make everyone shut up about that third team who everyone feels should have won the title," continued Wallace. "Now we only have to hear about the next 3 teams with similar records and opponents who were kept out of the new 3-way game. That's 25% less complaining than we had this year, and that's real progress."

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 9:56 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:29 am
 

BCS Says No One Worthy Of Playing In Championship

The BCS computer released their latest rankings on Sunday, a day after Texas Tech's horrendous loss to Oklahoma threw another wrench in the BCS cogworks, and they were blank for the first time in history.

"Look, we don't feel anyone is worthy of playing in the championship game this year," said the BCS Computer in a statement to the press. "Alabama is still undefeated, but they will most likely lose to a resurgent Florida, and then who does that leave? Utah? Please...you might as well shut me down now instead of blame me for the ratings that a BCS Championship game featuring something called the Utes will get. If Alabama wins out, maybe I'll let them have a scrimmage against themselves that we can televise."

"Besides, you all spend all year complaining about my work anyway. We want playoffs this, the BCS is not programmed right that, well this year I have decided no one is worthy of a championship, and you all know it too. So you all can still come down to the Orange Bowl if you want, hang out in the stands, check out some of the wonderful grass they have grown down there. But if you want to truly see who is the best team in college football, you are going to be disappointed because there is no best team. They all beat each other, and it all depends on how you play week to week. You think I have problems? Well, this will be your punishment until one of you 120 division 1A programs can put together a team that is truly worthy of a national title. I hate you all, good luck watching the Chick-Fil-A Meineke Peach Hawaii Bowl."

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