Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: August 25, 2010 7:48 am

Coors Light Train Derails, Kills 58 Fans At Game

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

The train jerked upward as it derailed and went careening into innocent bystanders, who were just hoping to catch a few pieces of magic snow. People screamed as limbs and blood flew everywhere. Those who could get out of the way immediately ran for the exists. Emergency workers quickly rushed to the scene to help those trapped below the giant beer train.

"We are still trying to assess all the damage, but it's pretty bad in there," said one firefighter outside the stadium. "I've never seen anything like this. A magic beer train just coming off its invisible rails and injuring the very people it came to cool off and get drunk.

"I hope Congress looks at magic beer train regulations, because I for one have been saying their regulations are way too lax. These things can just appear anywhere, any time the Love Train song plays. Do they even card when making beers mystically appear in everyone's hands? I know there are kids in this stadium somewhere."

It's unknown at the time of this report exactly what led to the crash. The driver, a longtime Coors employee, is being questioned for whether or not he was drinking at the time of the wreck. He apparently yelled "tap the Rockies mothereffers!" out the window right before it all went bad.

"Well, I am driving a magic beer train, you kind of can't be sober," said the conductor.

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 9:51 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:14 am

Steelers Offer Cheap $15 Beer At Stadium For Fans

The Pittsburgh Steelers are doing their best to help their fans out for the upcoming AFC Championship Game against the Baltimore Ravens. In these hard economic times, the Steelers organization wants to make sure it is taking care of the people who spend hundreds of dollars to come and see them at Heinz Field. To that end they will be offering a special $15 beer for fans in attendance.

The beer served is a delicious 3 ounce serving of Bud Ultra Light Select, a special blend being made especially for the game by Anheuser-Busch. It is a combination of Bud Light, tap water, and a double serving of air. The goal is to allow anyone to be able to enjoy a delicious cold one at the stadium, and now they can with such a great afforable deal.

"When I go to the games with my family, I want to be able to enjoy a beer with my kids," said Steeler fan Todd Turnage. "But up until now, it's always been just way too pricey. I've had to get them a $12 Sprite instead. Now with this great deal, we can all get drunk together, I can finally share a post-game DUI with my son."

"I like this deal because I like to get really drunk," said season ticket holder Jimmy Stone. "I want to be so drunk, I'm unable to say a simple "Go Steelers!" chant. But before beer was so expensive, I would still be able to properly pronounce Steelers late into the 4th quarter. But now, I can be the fun drunk everyone in my section has come to love, and they can shout their usual terms of endearment like "Go Home Jimmy!" and "Oh god, I hope he doesn't sit in this section again next year!" Thank you Steelers, for making going to games affordable again."

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Posted on: November 25, 2008 10:05 am
Edited on: November 25, 2008 10:28 am

Stock Footage Of Coach Tired Of Beer Questions

Stock footage of head coaches all around the NFL have come out today with some stiff words for reporters at post-game press conferences. They are demanding a ban on questions about Coors Light beer starting next week, in response to their question and answer sections frequently getting hijacked with queries about the frost brewed great taste of Coors.

"We want to talk about the game," said stock footage of Jim Mora. "I want to talk about what my quarterback did on the field, or why we called that bad play in the red zone. Not what I would do for an ice cold Coors Light. Yes, I would bark like a dog to get the less filling great taste of the rocky mountain bullet in hand, but that has nothing to do with football."

The problems seem to stem from a group of middle-aged multi-ethnic friends who have shown up at press conferences all over the league for the past several years. When asked recently during an interview with stock footage of Brian Billick, they were unable to produce proper press credentials.

"Uh...we right for a publication called the New Spaper," said one of the men. "But that's really not important right now. The thing you should be asking is what do you do if your friend forgets to bring the Coors Light to a tailgate? Do you kill him? Do you take his family hostage and hold them ransom for a keg? These are the hard questions we need to ask as journalists."

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Posted on: August 28, 2008 9:39 am
Edited on: August 28, 2008 9:45 am

Men Excited That Beer & Truck Ad Season Is Back

Men everywhere are extremely anxious for the start of Truck and Beer Ad season to begin next week. It has been a long offseason for the Beer and Truck business, with some Germans buying a large portion of one and gas prices hurting the other. People are excited to catch up with the old gang, and see what has happened since last year's commercials. Over the winter and summer, men have been forced to watch their favorite spots on DVD, as during regular dramas and sitcoms you only get one or two beer/truck commercials per break. But now every Sunday you can watch 3 hours of nonstop advertisements, and maybe more depending on how many games are being shown locally.

"Me and my friends are really stoked for these to start up again," said Sam Patterson, a resident of Oakland, California. "I bought a new plasma HDTV so I can watch them all in high definition this year. My buddies are all coming over every Sunday so we can see what kinds of unrealistically rugged terrain trucks are driving over this week, or what kind of illogical stress tests demonstrating horse power they are being put through. We want to know where a multi-ethnic group of guy friends are going to be hanging out, drinking beer, and hitting on white girls who are way out of our league. Beer and truck ads is the best show on television!"

Some guys have already had their fantasy beer and truck drafts already. Coors Light was the consensus number one in Sam's draft because as he put it, "They have a giant f***ing train! You can't stop a giant f***ing train..." He is also hoping that Labatt Blue and Hyundai, two late round picks can turn into sleepers this year. He was looking for depth at the truck position. He may have got it with Hyundai, who has apparently created a special hyper-futuristic testing facility in the desert, staffed by only hot blonds in labcoats, to test their trucks in.

Last time on Bud Light, the group guy friends was attending a wine and cheese party, where they cleverly hid beer bottles in their cheese. The main, not too handsome and easily relatable, white guy was leaving the party to make a secret cheese run. But will he get caught? Was the store out of cheese-beer? We will find out next Sunday, and the world can not wait for the conclusion.

The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com