Tag:boston celtics
Posted on: July 21, 2010 7:47 am

Laettner Says He Would Have Played With Anyone

Michael Jordan's comments on Monday and Magic Johnson's today, that they would never have even thought about switching teams to combine their talents with another NBA superstar, have caused quite a buzz amongst those in sports media. But one star is coming out to remind everyone that he would have played with anyone, any time, and anywhere to win a world title.

Christian Laettner, the player who bounced around between 6 NBA teams over the course of his 13-year NBA career, says he would have gladly played with Bird, Magic, or Jordan.

"I don't know what all this fuss is about not wanting to play with other stars," said Laettner in an interview. "I bounced around between so many horrible teams, I was salivating at any chance to win. I played for the Timberwolves, Hawks, and Wizards for Pete's sake! If I could have been Bird's water boy, I would have left one of those teams immediately to go to the Celtics."

"It wouldn't even need to be a superstar I left to go play for, I just want people to like me. If you've got a decent team of guys at the gym after work, give me a call. If you're playing NBA 2K11 on Playstation and need someone to be the second player, let me know."

"It doesn't even have to be basketball! If you're throwing a birthday party and need someone to play a large dinosaur in a suit, please call 1-800-LAETTNER! Unlike those other selfish superstars, I will be a part of any team!"

Laettner then proceeded to apologize to any superstars he may have offended, saying he wanted to still be invited if they should ever have a pickup game, or just want to watch a romantic comedy together, or something like that. Whatever it is superstars do.


Posted on: June 9, 2009 10:58 am

League To Start Boston Celtics In Place Of Magic

After a poor showing in their first game, and failing to deliver in the clutch in their second, the NBA league office has announced it will bench the Orlando Magic for game three in favor of the Boston Celtics. Despite being eliminated by the Magic in the Eastern Conference semi-finals, they will get the start in hopes of reviving interest and ratings in this series outside of the Orlando market.

The game is still set to be played in Florida, but the Celtics will suit up in their uniforms for the game so that people browsing the channels will actually be able to recognize the team who is playing the Lakers. Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has said he understands the decision to make a change at this point in the series.

"Look, what we have done has not worked, that's for sure," he said to reporters after hearing the news. "Maybe it's time to put in these other players and see what they can do. I just told the news to our guys, and they are a little sad about it. But, Dwight Howard is really excited to see the Celtics play the Lakers again, it's just such a historic matchup."

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Posted on: May 12, 2009 9:53 am

Celtics Score 21 Points During Halftime For Win

The Boston Celtics found themselves trailing by 18 points at the half of their most recent game against the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. But not to let the Magic claim a 3-1 lead in the series, the Celtics stayed on the court during halftime as Orlando headed to the locker room.

As a result, the Celts dominated halftime, scoring 21 unanswered points and taking a 3 point lead as the game resumed. The Orlando crowd booed heavily as they scored bucket after bucket without opposition and watched the Magic lead slip away.

"Well, I thought about taking them into the locker room and giving them an inspirational speech to get back into this thing," said head coach Doc Rivers. "But I said, maybe staying out here will be the best way to do that instead. Sure enough, it worked and we were able to come from behind and get a victory because of it."

The Magic said they will focus on their halftime play before the next game in Boston.

"Halftime has been our worst period for scoring this whole season," said Dwight Howard. "This still seems like cheating to me, but I guess we should have stayed out there on the court when we saw them continue playing even after the buzzer."

Big Baby Davis says he is confident his team can take down any other at the half.

"Look, do whatever you want in that locker room," he said. "Drink some Gatorade, say a prayer, get taped up. We'll be out here on the court dunking on your ass."

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Posted on: April 23, 2009 10:07 am

Rose Has Awkward Coming Out Party In Playoffs

Like the Arizona Cardinals Larry Fitzgerald in this year's NFL playoffs, Derrick Rose is having a coming out party of his own so far in round one of the NBA playoffs. The Chicago Bulls point guard made his playoff debut a big one, scoring 36 points and adding 11 assists in their opening win over the Celtics.

But it was not until after the game when being interviewed by a locker room reporter that things got awkward. When asked how he felt about having such a big coming out party in his first game he replied with an answer that shocked everyone.

"It feels great, now that the whole world knows I'm gay!" Rose shouted, making everyone in the locker room stop and stare.

"What do you mean you're gay? That really wasn't what I meant..." continued the reporter.

"I'm gay, I'm so gay!" he replied. "You know that gay sex thing you always are hearing about with the penises and the butts and the whole deal? I love that stuff! It just feels so good to come out and say it, get it off my chest. You're so right! And you're throwing me a party for it? I hope there's a cake, and I hope it's shaped like the part of a man I love to eat in my bedroom as well...

"I've had to load up all this rap music on my iPod here just to fit in, but I really only listen to the Streisand and Cher I put on this thing. It just gets me charged up to get out there and commit a hard charging foul on another man!"

"Is there anything else you've been secretly wanting to tell the world, Mr. Rose?" asked the reported.

"Yes...There's something I've wanted to say since I first got here in Chicago..." began Derrick. "I want to redecorate this locker room! Makeover! The colors and furniture in here is so passe! And I want to put a nice set of drapes with a floral pattern on my locker, that would make it really pop. I've been wanting to tell everyone this all my life, but I never had the courage to just come out and do it. Thank you for the inspiration!"

"I...uh...actually didn't mean that kind of coming out party..." answered the reported.

"Huh...oh...well then...shit..." Rose hung his head and silently went to the showers, where everyone else on the team quickly fled.

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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:54 am
Edited on: April 2, 2009 9:56 am

Celtic Scientists Shut Down Garnett For Repairs

Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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Posted on: December 18, 2008 1:32 pm
Edited on: December 18, 2008 2:17 pm

Celtics Clinch Boring Divisional Race With Win

The Boston Celtics won their 16th game in a row last night over the Atlanta Hawks 88-85. With the win, the Celtics have clinched an extremely boring divisional race for the remaining 56 games on the regular season schedule as their next closest opponent is now 11 games back. It is the second consecutive boring divisional race for the Celtics after they finished 25 games better than Toronto last year.

Head coach Doc Rivers said he is proud of what his team has accomplished again, and said now they can relax and fall into a general not caring about games from here on out. It will hopefully carry over a few rounds into the playoffs until they can turn it around and win another championship, just like last year.

"Every game from here on out is a not entirely necessary, but would be nice if we did win game," said Boston fan Jack Robredo. "It makes following the team so much easier when you don't have to really care about whether they win or lose to actually watch the games. You can just check out the box score the next day and say good job either way. I wish all sports were this easy."

The Los Angeles Lakers can also clinch with a few more losses by the disappointing Phoenix Suns, which would almost certainly also clinch an extremely boring postseason up until the LA-Boston rematch as well.

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Posted on: November 13, 2008 9:46 am
Edited on: November 13, 2008 9:53 am

Knicks Host Win A Trip To A Working Economy Night

The New York Knicks have unveiled today a new marketing day that will happen at Madison Square Garden later this month in response to the flailing U.S. job market. "Win A Trip To A Working Economy Night" will take place on the 28th when the Knicks battle the rival Celtics, and will feature the chance for one lucky fan to win one-way tickets to a European country of his choice for himself and his family. Tickets for the event have already sold out as people are jumping at the chance to go to a place that actually has a working economy.

"We are very excited about this promotion," said team president Donnie Walsh. "What we have here is a chance for one lucky family to get a trip to a place of their choosing in Europe. Over there they have this thing called the Euro, which is actually worth something. They also have these job things available where people will give you some of these Euro's for doing work. It's amazing! They also have banks and car companies that aren't going out of business, and electronics retailers that aren't closing! One lucky Knicks fan will get to go to this wonderful place."

Even Knicks players are buying tickets to the promotion night in hopes of winning the grand prize. "Yes, I realize that over there I might have to be a Swiss shoemaker or a Swedish cheesefarmer," said guard Jamal Crawford. "But at least I don't have to be a New York Knicks player anymore. I would farm cheese for the rest of my days, I would eat rocks served in a bowl of mud, I would be forcibly wed to a goat, if only it meant I didn't have to be a Knick anymore..."

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Posted on: April 16, 2008 1:29 pm
Edited on: April 16, 2008 1:32 pm

Hawks Learn They Are In Something Called Playoffs

As the Atlanta Hawks got ready to set off on their yearly summer vacation they learned that there is something called the NBA Playoffs, and they get to play in them this year. Coach Mike Woodson explained to concept of Playoffs to both the players and fans after their latest home win. Everyone was extremely excited at the prospect of horribly losing 4 games to a great Boston team in these new playoffs. "I'm really pumped," said Tim Sanchez, a lifetime Atlanta fan who did not know about the existence of playoffs until now.

Indeed the whole team was amazed to learn of the tournament that pits the best teams against each other at the end of the year. Woodson handed out their t-shirts that read "Atlanta Hawks 2008 - Not That Bad" on one side and "Almost A Winning Record" on the back in celebration of the feat. "This is just so great," said Joe Johnson. "To be on the precipice of destruction at the hands of the Celtics, it feels really good. If I close my eyes I can almost feel Kevin Garnett posting up on me for a dunk right now. This is gonna be fun."


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