Tag:boston red sox
Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:57 am

Dodgers Pull Prank, Send Manny To White Sox

The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them 3 years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

"Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!" said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. "I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

"I put Manny in a box and sent him next day delivery via UPS immediately! These suckers aren't going to know what hits them when they open up this package!"

While this is only the latest most famous trick, a Manny Ramirezing is a common prank for kids. Many people have been called by children, asking if their refrigerator is running...and also if they would like to pick up Manny Ramirez off waivers.

If they should be foolish enough to say yes, they are then sent the troublesome player who proceeds to bring down the morale of their entire household. He refuses to run out ground balls, take out the trash, clean his hair and pine tar out of the bathtub after a shower, or play a day game of dominoes after a night game.

Eventually, the family has no choice but to place Manny on waivers in their front yard until a neighbor picks him up in a truck and takes him to their team.

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Posted on: July 14, 2010 8:02 am

Hell Welcomes George Steinbrenner W/ Lavish Ball

One of the legendary baseball executives past away today at the age of 80 as George Steinbrenner suffered a heart attack and died in a hospital in Tampa. It was a somber mood around baseball on the day of the All-Star game, as everyone got the news oh his death.

But that wasn't the case in the afterlife, as the minions of Hell prepared a grand ball to welcome The Boss to their throes. Hell's party planning committee, headed by Satan, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, and Jack The Ripper, organized an "Under The Sea" themed bash for his arrival. They thought the theme would help cheer him up about his sudden death, by reminding him how he had dominated the mighty ocean-faring Tampa Bay Rays this year after a slow start.

It was to be a gala event, with dancing, music from the pedophile symphony orchestra, and some fine dining on fresh tortured souls. The red carpet was littered with a who's who of dead evil celebrities out in their fanciest attire. But the mood dampened when Steinbrenner actually showed up and Satan went to give him a big hug.

"Whoa, what the...hell, I guess...am I doing here?" said a confused Steinbrenner.

"What do you mean?" replied Satan. "This is your welcoming party! We got word you were coming in today, so we threw up this bash! Put on a seashell necklace and let's dance and commit human rights atrocities!"

"Wait, I know I'm pretty disliked around the country because my team wins all the time, and I buy all the good players. But being sent to hell? Really?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you belong here," said Satan. "You're a pretty hated guy. You're probably the most disliked in sports, aside from Bill Belichick of course. But we already know he's coming to be my successor as soon as he ends up dying."

"Are you serious?!" exclaimed Steinbrenner. "I was just a business man. I mean, there's a guy over there on the side of the red carpet just eating babies!"

"Oh, that...yeah that's Thargor. He's an old Viking serial killer from about 1000 years ago. He loves eating people..." Satan turned and yelled to the man, "Thargor! Knock it off with the babies! We have a new guest! You're freaking him out! Go inside and wait until those babies are cooked, like the rest of us are doing! We can all eat them then!" He turned back to Steinbrenner. "Feel more comfortable now George?"

"No! I don't belong here! How could this have happened?!"

Satan thought for a minute. "Oh, wait... I bet I know what it was. Gary who works in purgatory is a huge Red Sox fan, a part of Red Sox Nation and all that. He probably saw your name on the docket and put you down for Hell..."

"Aha! I knew it! I definitely didn't belong with all these murderers and rapists. Can you get this fixed?"

Satan frowned. "Yeah, I can. But it's going to take a little paperwork to get done. Party is cancelled everybody! George isn't staying!"

"I'm sorry about this, the party looks very nice," said George, trying to cheer up the nearly in tears dark lord.

"This always happens! No one cool ever comes to Hell! It's only these jerks! This'll take some time to get sorted out George...won't you come inside and eat a cooked baby with me while we wait for heaven to come pick you up?"

"Just because I'm going to heaven, doesn't mean I wouldn't love to eat a baby! I'm the boss after all!"

Both men share a laugh and head into the ballroom.


Posted on: June 2, 2009 10:42 am

David Ortiz Hits Rare Complete Game

It was a magical sight today at Fenway Park, as David Ortiz put on a masterful display of guts and fortitude to hit a complete game shutout for the Boston Red Sox. After getting off to the worst start of his career in which he has compiled a sub .200 average and only one homerun, Ortiz has been rarely been seen to start or make it through an entire game without getting pulled for a sub.

"While pitching a complete game is much more celebrated, today's accomplishment by David I think was much more challenging," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "Have you seen how big this guy is and how awful he swings the bat lately? I'm surprised he can make it through an entire game sitting on the bench! I mean, hitting a complete game only happens 8, maybe 9 times per game if it's the American League. Today we saw something special out there."

Ortiz went 0 for 4 at the plate with 3 strikeouts and no walks. It looked like he might be in trouble in the 8th inning, as Francona came out to 1st base to make sure he could continue. But Big Papi told him he had one more strikeout left in him. Sure enough in the ninth inning, with two men on and a chance to tie the game, Ortiz delivered a big whiff at an 0-2 curveball to end the game and complete his night.

The crowd gave a thunderous standing ovation to the slugger for the effort.

"Wow, that guy is all heart isn't he?" said fan Derek Chan. "He's certainly not got any skill or ability anymore, but he's got a lot of heart..."

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Posted on: May 12, 2009 9:37 am

New Red Sox Outfielders Antics Just Bay Being Bay

When Jason Bay took over for Manny Ramirez in left field for the Boston Red Sox last season, he knew he'd have some big shoes to fill. For many years, Manny's crazy behavior had been the subject of much debate. But, his hitting had always made up for his eccentricities. Many fans wondered if Bay would be able to live up these expectations.

So far this season he has delivered in the cleanup role for Boston, hitting .324 with 9 homers and 34 RBIs. But Bay hasn't been without a strange personality of his own, one the Boston faithful are having to adjust to like the man before.

"Jason has done some very strange things so far," said longtime fan Jim Creely. "Yesterday he hits a homerun, and then just drops his bat and goes to first base. He didn't stand there and watch it for 10 seconds, point at the pitcher, or even thump his chest! That's not how left fielders act here in Boston! But, that's just Bay being Bay! He's so crazy, but you've got to just accept it because he's such a great hitter."

Jim also questioned Jason's catching of a fly ball and then simply throwing it back to the infield. His son wanted to know why Bay didn't high five a fan, do a spin, or throw off his hat before catching the ball. He had to explain that Bay was just an eccentric sports personality, and that his son should never behave like that on the field. That's just Bay being Bay...

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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:54 am
Edited on: April 2, 2009 9:56 am

Celtic Scientists Shut Down Garnett For Repairs

Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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Posted on: October 21, 2008 9:38 am
Edited on: October 21, 2008 9:46 am

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • If the Bengals can keep it close against Pittsburgh, they just might find a way to sneak ahead in the 4th quarter.
  • Peyton Manning sometimes confused the colors green and white, as they are incredibly similar, but I don't see this becoming a problem on Sunday.
  • The Cowboys sure have a lot of problems heading into this week, good thing they play an offense as inept as the Rams. Boy was firing Scott Linehan a mistake...
  • CDW Advertising Meeting: "What if we have this idiot guy in a Hawaiian shirt ordering office supplies, on one of those douchey bluetooth headsets, for a high tech business he just set up on a desert island, all the while a monkey is making noises in the background?" -Tom
    "That sounds like the worst idea ever, Tom. That is, unless we were really drunk." -Frank
    "We work at CDW Frank, I think it's a certainty we will be." -Tom
  • Watch out for New Orleans, they can run up the score on you pretty quick.
  • I feel sorry for the people who have to watch the horrid offenses in the Vikings-Bears game. Snore...
  • Dear Geico, we all thought your caveman ad was hilarious back in 2004 when we first saw it. Doing 18 further versions of the same joke and attempting to spin it off into a television series was a bit too much. You need to retire this campaign now. The only show I wanted to see less than yours was the wacky sitcom featuring that guy with the mullet who draws things on a whiteboard for UPS.
  • Derek Anderson is back in a big way, I can finally wear his jersey out in public without being laughed at again!
  • When the moment is right, be ready to hold hands and smile at each other, with Cialis.
  • Well, Kansas City hasn't shown much this season, but they do have some very good rushing defense.
  • And a bonus day too late prediction: There is no way the Tampa Bay Rays are getting to the World Series after blowing their huge early lead in this series.
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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:25 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:27 am

Government Warns: Boring Phils-Rays Series Coming

President Bush addressed the nation Tuesday night around midnight, as the horrifying news had reached most of the population. "My fellow Americans," began the President. "By now you have all heard, it appears we are headed for one of the biggest disasters in the history of our great nation. We are on the brink of horrifically boring Rays-Phillies World Series. I want everyone to stay calm in this difficult time. I know all of you want to see teams with players who you don't need to have turn around so you know their names. You want to see what kind of excitement would happen if Joe Torre and Manny Ramirez were to return to Boston. But, it's looking like that is not going to happen now. We thought it couldn't get worse than the Rockies last year, but apparently it can. But, we are going to be strong, and face this World Series together, as one people."

When news of the Rays-Phillies merger were made public, the stock market took a nosedive. People began taking all their money out of FOX and MLB and putting it into sports like the NFL and preseason NBA, stuff people will still care about next week.

Even the presidential candidates began preparing bailout plans in case this disaster comes to fruition. Obama proposed airing a consolation World Series between the Red Sox and Dodgers, which would just happen to take place on FOX at the same dates and times. The actual World Series would be bumped to ESPN Deportes Dos. McCain called the plan reckless, and said he would pour public funds into lucrative time travel research. With it, he would go one year into the future, tape the 2009 World Series on his Tivo, and bring it back here for the nation the watch. Obama responded by saying we can not sacrifice our children's future World Series to save this one.

All around the country people have been stocking up on canned goods, chips, and snack cakes; food to eat while bored. One New Jersey man has built an entire World Series shelter underground for his family to go into, should this one happen. "I won't allow them to be exposed to such high levels of boring during that week," said the man. "Who knows what could happen with us not caring so much about these games. We might switch over to one of those CSI spinoffs or something. I can't allow that to happen."

The water cooler business has been one of the hardest hit, with sales down 70% for next week. "People in offices everyone are afraid to go get water," said a spokesman for Culligan. "When they get there, what could they possibly talk about? Did you see that hockey game last night? Please, that's crazy talk. It will just be too awkward. We have advised hospitals around the country to prepare for an influx of dehydration cases in emergency rooms. This World Series could have dire consequences on every aspect of our society."

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Posted on: October 16, 2008 9:11 am
Edited on: October 16, 2008 9:28 am

Cliche Free Interview Given After Win Over Sox

With all the excitement about the Tampa Bay Rays being within one win of the World Series, one of our intrepid TSC reporters was able to catch up with big contributor Carl Crawford after their big win on Tuesday. He was surprisingly sports cliche-free in describing his team's accomplishment. "Wow, I'm just so glad this game is over," said Crawford. "You think that was boring for the Boston fans in attendance? Man, you should have been us out there on that field. It was hard to stay awake out there. When I got my 5th hit of the night, I just looked around and thought, do I really have to run around these bases again?"

"I mean, this was a game we didn't really have to win. We would have still been in this thing even losing a couple in Boston. Everyone has really been believing in us all season, and all the media has given us a lot of respect, so it was kind of obvious we were gonna win this thing. But, I can take most of the credit for this win, I did have 5 hits after all. Sure, I have some teammates out there, but it wasn't really a team effort, I did most of the work. I'm just proud of the rest of the guys, though. Everyone went out there and gave it a good 60%. But I really put in about 65%, and that was the difference in why we won."

"Now we're up 3-1, and this series is pretty much over already. We just have to come out tomorrow and finish it off, but if we don't we still have 2 more chances. I think the biggest credit for our winning goes to the fact that we go out there and leave, not all of it, but a good portion of it out on the field. You still need to save some of "it" for the after victory party. After all, the champagne isn't going to pour itself over the stripper's breasts..."

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