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Tag:ncaa
Posted on: August 31, 2010 8:52 am
 

Notre Dame Poll Exclusion is "Slight Against God"

The Associated Press came out with its Preseason Top 25 in college football yesterday morning and to the surprise of Fighting Irish fans everywhere, Notre Dame was nowhere to be seen.

While the Irish are coming off of yet another disappointing season, many fans have high hopes for the upcoming season because of new coach Brian Kelly.

“How can we not be ranked? Seven Heisman Trophies and 11 national titles and we are not ranked? We have Cincinnati’s coach and we are Notre Dame -- there is no way we lose a game!” said completely realistic Irish fan Sean McIntyre.

As of right now, no other school seems to think there is much merit for Notre Dame’s complaints, but that isn’t stopping Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick from declaring that the AP poll is “a slight against God”.

“By not putting the great institution of Notre Dame in the Top 25, the Associated Press is saying that having God on your side has no worth,” Swarbrick said. “I hope Alabama and the other ‘elite’ teams in the Top 25 are prepared to get crushed by the power of the Lord because I just put in a call to Jesus.”

When informed about Swarbrick’s comments, Crimson Tide head coach Nick Saban was baffled by how serious the AD was taking the AP poll.

“It literally counts for 0 percent of the BCS and has no value in determining the National Championship,” Saban said. “And if Swarbrick is really that upset about not being in the AP Top 25, just show him Lou Holtz’s list. I bet you 20 bucks that Notre Dame is in his Top 3."

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Posted on: August 6, 2010 7:38 am
 

Penn State Announces Zombie JoePa Will Coach Team

As Joe Paterno enters his 45th season as the head coach of the football program at Penn State, some have begun to question how much longer the 83 year old can continue to lead a major program. It was believed that his current contract, set to expire after next season, would finally be the end of his storied career. No one wants to see such a historic sports figure die in office.

But officials from Penn State announced today that it doesn't necessarily have to be end, should he die while still the head coach.

"We have an exciting announcement from our college of Medical Sciences & Dark Arts today," said enthusiastic school president Graham Spanier. "We believe we now have the technology to be able to bring JoePa back as an undead zombie, should he die soon."

"We've always been honored to have him on our sidelines, and in all honesty with how little he seems involved right now, zombie JoePa will probably be about the same as the living version. As long as his flesh doesn't decay so much that it starts scaring off recruits, this opens him up to coach us for... another 200 years or so. But who knows, kids might think its cool to play for an undead monster anyway..."

Doctor-Shamans from the Medical Sciences & Dark Arts college say they have a formula ready to inject into Paterno should he die at any time during the next two seasons. Within a few hours of injection, his body will be ready to rise up from the dead to both eat brains and coach hard hitting Big Ten football.

While it could be dangerous to have a blood crazed zombie on the sidelines of a 100,000 seat stadium, President Spanier says it's probably not as dangerous as letting an 83-year-old man drive his own car around the campus every day.

"It'll be great," continued Spanier. "He'll be part coach, part cool zombie mascot, and part science experiment that students from our evil mad doctor program can study. There's one thing you all won't have to worry now, and that's whether or not JoePa will be back. He's going to be here for at least another century! Goooooo Nittany Lions!"

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:44 am
 

Tennessee To Sue Kiffin For Being A Dick

Things just got more heated for Lane Kiffin and the USC Trojans. On the same day it was announced their entire 2004 National Championship might be on the line after Reggie Bush's academic violations, the Tennessee Titans said they would sue Lane Kiffin for his hiring away of one of their assistant coaches. But that wasn't all, as the University of Tennessee revealed they would also be suing Kiffin after bolted their school last year, under charges of being "a complete dick".

"Lane Kiffin is a dick, a big hairy dick" read the legal document filed today in Tennessee court. "He is a bastard that should never have left us in a lurch like this. He deserves to be legally bound to rot in hell, and also give us a lot of money... or something like that... You decide, you're the judge. But rest assured, we have lots of evidence that he is a total dick."

ESPN legal analyst James Walters says the case could be a hard one to settle. "Dick law in this country is very interpretive," said Walters. "What some people consider to be a dick move like abandoning your school shortly after joining, could just be seen as a cocksucker move by someone else. There aren't many precedents for dick cases in this country, it's going to be a very interesting trial."

It's speculated that the Kiffin Is A Dick lawsuit could go as high as the supreme court eventually.

"I would love to see a good dick case make it into my court," said Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. "It's been quite awhile since I've had one in here, and I've almost forgot how nice it feels to put one on trial. I remember in my early days, I would be trying dick cases left and right, it seemed every young lawyer was just waiting to sue a dick with me. These dick cases are just so big, and full of...sweeping legal ramifications...oh boy, is it getting hot in here?"

The lawsuit is expected to go to trial soon in Tennessee, around the same time as the lawsuit from the Titans. It will be an interesting few weeks for Kiffin as he will have to make a strong case for not being a total dick. His lawyers have said it's going to be a tough sell, the only people who will believe he's not a dick are those with no knowledge of sports, or who have never heard the man speak. It will be tough to find a jury composed completely of people like that.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 16, 2010 7:29 am
 

NCAA Investigating How UNC FB Had Winning Record

The NCAA announced today that the North Carlina Tar Heels football program is being put under review after it was realized that they somehow had 8-5 records the past two seasons. The discovery happened today when college officials were looking at the books for last season to decide early season schedules, and sure enough next to North Carolina it said 8-5.

The schedule maker immediately phoned his boss, and asked if he remembered anything about North Carolina actually not sucking at football. His boss responded that he sort of remembered hearing that once or twice on ESPN, but because it wasn't February or March and it was North Carolina, he didn't really pay attention.

"Obviously there has been some cheating of some kind," said the head of NCAA's investigations committee. "Schools like North Carolina just don't win football games. Look at Duke's recent records: 1-11, 4-8, 5-7. That is a school playing by the rules! 8-5 two years in a row? Bowl appearances? This thing stinks to high heaven!"

Some theories thrown about as to how they got winning records range from normal accusations like illegal recruiting or academic cheating to more outlandish theories like changing record books, time travel, and erasing everyone's memories with those pens from the Men In Black movies.

"We are not leaving any stone unturned on this investigation, I can promise you that!" said the spokesman. "We've already contacted Michael J Fox to find out everything he knows about going back in time to help your sports team win games they aren't supposed to. We have also contacted the writers of Star Trek to see if wormholes might be involved. We have lots of theories, and I'm sure one of them is going to be proven true."

Time travel or wormhole violations have no precedent in college football, but it's believe games could be forfeited until their record looks more like the 3-4 wins everyone thinks North Carolina should have. USC has contacted the NCAA to see if they could have some of those wins given to them, should they be taken away from NC.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 15, 2010 7:35 am
 

March Madness Expands To 1367.5 Teams

The NCAA announced that March Madness is going to be getting a whole lot more mad next year, as they expand to 1367.5 teams in an effort to boost revenue and ratings. The move was met with groans from the general sports media, who questioned the logistics outlined in the NCAA's unveiling presentation today.

Apparently pretty much any basketball team in the country, organized or unorganized, will be making the March tournament. Only next year, it won't just be contained to one month. Organizers say that the new tournament will now span three years. That is how much time will be needed for the 42 regional sites, up from the traditional four, to conduct their brackets.

"We have never been more behind an idea than this one," said NCAA President Bill Whitford. "We have had so many good teams just miss out on making this tournament, this will ensure none ever do again! Just imagine people's brackets they are going to get to fill out at work. I'd advise all managers to maybe schedule a company holiday or two in March so they can get all the names down all that thing. And also to invest in a lot more paper, they are going to need lots of room to draw this bracket out."

Due to the sheer number of teams in next year's tournament, it is expected to actually take a year and a half to finish. The final few rounds will actually overlap with the following year's tournament, but NCAA management doesn't feel it's a problem.

"People love watching March Madness basketball!" continued Whitford. "Now they can have Summer Madness basketball! It will be on in the middle of the night! Nonstop college action! CBS has already cancelled all original programming they were hoping to show next year, and instead will just be airing games 24/7. Needless to say, they are very excited about this expansion as well."

A lot has been made of the number they chose to expand to. 1367.5, which they confirmed today means that one team will only get to field half a roster on the court.

"Look, now that we are allowing over a thousand teams into this thing. If you're the last team on the list, you're clearly no good. As punishment for that, you only get to bring half your team. But just think of the upset, should the 1367.5 seed beat the number one seed! It would be complete anarchy! That's just one of the many additions our new format will provide."

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: March 31, 2009 9:50 am
 

Griffin Twitters About Awesome Shot During Game

Twitter, the service that allows you to tell friends and followers what you are currently doing, has become all the rage with celebrities and the media over the last few months. But no one had seen anything like Blake Griffin's Twitter page on Sunday as he pulled out a cellphone while on the court to update his page live.

He made such insightful posts such as: "I am dribbling a ball", "I am jumping in the air right now, I'm so glad my parents weren't white", "I'm so high up in the air right now, the people below me look like ants", "Whoa shit, those actually are ants, that explains the 6 legs. They really need to clean this place up.", "I am dunking the ball through the net, and now I will hang on it while celebrating!" The commentators for the game marveled at Griffin's performance, both on the court and his ability to type so quickly.

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Posted on: February 5, 2009 11:06 am
 

0 Star Recruit To Decide Between CVS & Jr College

It's national signing day, and all recruits, even the lowest of them are on the radar of the college football faithful. None is perhaps more low on the ranking than Montana's Patrick Sutter, 3rd string quarterback of the Missoula High School Fighting Plastics Manufacturers. He had hoped that college scouts would look past his failing to start a single game in his career, due to the fact that competition is so tough at the Montana school.

It was thought he might be looked at like a Matt Cassel, who faced similarly tough competition at lowly programs USC and New England and couldn't get a starting job, but flourished when given a chance. But things didn't quite work out that way for Sutter, as he was not scouted by a school and even received a letter from Scouts Ltd. rating him at 0 stars.

"I think that these places are making a big mistake," said Sutter. "Just last week I set the high score in my xbox game of NCAA 09, I threw like 30 touchdowns. Now, I will admit that I had a cheatcode on for no gravity and rocket powered footballs, but I'm pretty sure if given the chance I'd be able to do that in real life as well."

But the fact he hasn't been recruited by anyone is not stopping the young man from holding a press conference to announce where he will sign after high school.

"This just narrows my options a bit, and contrary to what they've been talking about on SportsCenter every night, I have a lot of places offering me free rides. Right now I have offers from a CVS Pharmacy down the street to be assistant night manager, they told me I can start right away and can even call my own plays. I have a scholarship offer from Montana Community College for their Air Conditioning Repair program, which sounds like a program I might want to be a part of. Then there's this one from the Air Force, an actual division I school mind you! They say they will give me a completely free ride if I just go to Iraq for a little while. I'm sure I can play football in those desert conditions, so I'm fine with that."

With so many suitors after Sutter, it's hard to guess where he'll end up. His father is an alumnus of the local plastics factory, so he could end up going there as well in hopes of getting his hard hat and flannel shirt retired on the wall next to his old man. TSC will monitor the situation and have more as a decision is made.

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Posted on: January 29, 2009 9:38 am
 

FSU To Not Report Decomposing Body Of Bowden

FSU held a press conference today to announce that they had come to the agreement that they are not going to call the police about the dead rotting carcass of Bobby Bowden that has been laying on their sidelines for the past several years. It was highly speculated that the body of the longtime coach would finally be removed from the field after this season, as many fans in attendance near the FSU bench complained of the smelly corpse flesh. But FSU dismissed those claims as being not the smell of Bobby Bowden's decomposing remains, but the smell of the shitty play on the field.

"Look, when you are playing as bad as we have the past few seasons, your whole stadium is going to smell like shit, that's just the way it is," said FSU Athletic Director Randy Spetman. "We hope that gets better next year. But about the dead body of Bowden, we have hired a new person here to be the official Smellologist for the team, and it will be his job to make sure the body is acceptable before every game. He has already begun treatment on it through a combination of spraying it with Febreeze and rubbing those little air freshners trees all over it. He should smell just like a rose for opening day, or if not a rose, a combination of Citrus Rush and New Car Smell."

The players have said they are happy to have Bowden's lifeless corpse returning for another season.

"A lot of people criticize coach Bowden's corpse for his laid back coaching style," said quarterback Christian Ponder. "But him lying there dead all game, saying nothing, it's just his way of telling us to play a little harder so we don't end up like that. Seeing a deceased guy coach a team these last few years, when he has no business coaching, it really inspires us players and tells us that we can do anything!"

It's unknown what the future holds for Bowden's dead body, but you can expect more of the same lifeless coaching that you've seen the last few years.

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