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Tag:new england patriots
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:41 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.
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Posted on: August 18, 2010 7:35 am
Edited on: August 18, 2010 10:51 am
 

Tim Tebow Releases Premium XXX Website For Media

Tim Tebow today announced the opening of the brand new TimTebow.com today, a website with premium paid access for reporters and members of the media who just can't get enough of the Broncos QB. For only $19.99 per month, ESPN commentators and talk radio hosts can get a behind the scenes look at Tebow's most personal information, just in case there is no trivial Tebow news they can use that day to shoehorn in another discussion of the quarterback.

"Wow, if there's one thing I love, it's talking and watching Tebow," said ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd. "As a member of the media, I just can't get enough! I signed up for the new site membership immediately, and can now debate whether or not he can be successful in the NFL, at any time and anywhere! Wow! He just tweeted to all us premium members that he made eggs for breakfast! He's already adjusted to breakfasts in the NFL! He's ready to take over this team now!"

The new website features a store where fans can continue to buy Tebow's number one selling jersey, as well jerseys of all the other popular third string QBs. You can pick up a Luke McCown jersey from the Jacksonville Jaguars, a Zac Robinson jersey from the New England Patriots, or a Chiefs jersey that just says Kansas City on the back. As even the league office and the actual Chiefs team don't really know who their third string QB is. Stunningly, not many Zac Robinson jerseys have been sold so far.

The site is also causing a stir because of its XXX section, which has photos and videos of a nude Tim Tebow working out and running fake combine tests. Many regular fans are confused about why the website is even in existence, as well as why the media is so in love with a good college QB who most agreed before the draft wouldn't do well in the pros.

"You tell them to shut up!" yelled Cowherd, when he heard of the public's skepticism. "It's not something we can explain here at ESPN, we just can't get enough Tebow. Sure, I've checked out the XXX section. Sure, I've seen the entire crew of NFL Live gathered around a laptop, and taking notes to break down his nude films. I say to everyone, don't judge me. It's just something I must watch, as it's in some way related to Tim Tebow. Let me just add that based on what I've "seen", he's definitely a "big leaguer", and ready to take over from Kyle Orton..."

The message boards on TimTebow.com are filled with ESPN analysts discussing with each other, everything about the QB. Current popular threads are "How sure are we he's a lock for Hall Of Fame first ballot?", "Should we fight to the death to see who gets to interview him if he ever comes in the ESPN offices?", and finally "Tim Tebow: Erotic Fanfic".

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Posted on: June 20, 2009 9:51 am
 

Lucky No Good B*st*rd Impregnates 2nd Model

Apparently that lucky son of a bitch Tom Brady has impregnated his second super model with a child, this time his new wife, Gisele Bunchen. The no good bastard says he and his wife are very happy to be expecting their first child. That makes two models down on this prick's quest to make sure all of the offspring of 21st century supermodels belongs to him.

I've been a beatwriter for these Pats for 20 years, and you are the worst quarterback I've ever seen. Do you know how many models I've been with? Do you know how many women I've been with who could even be remotely considered models even in a plus size catalogue? Zero Tom! Zero!

To celebrate the news, the piece of shit is taking his wife down to his winter home in the Bahamas on his twenty million f*cking dollar yacht. The assh*le went so far as to say he is starting his own children's charity which will raise enough money, he hopes, to have a real shot at curing children's cancer. What a d*ck.

Brady says he doesn't know when the baby will be arriving, but says it will probably be before a certain sportswriter's wife goes on a diet or learns how to clean the kitchen. Muscles, millions, talent, fame, and good looks weren't enough for you, were they Brady? You had to go out and tag half of the very Victoria's Secret catalogue I used last night? That's low, you f*cker.

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Posted on: June 13, 2009 10:06 am
 

Vick Now Available To Teams Looking For Downgrade

Michael Vick was officially released by the Atlanta Falcons today, meaning he is now a free agent. Known for being a great athlete, but not such a stellar passer, it has been wondered where Vick might land. But, despite these concerns, many teams have expressed interest in the former phenom who has spent the last 2 years in prison on dogfighting charges.

"We've actually been looking for a downgrade at the QB position for quite awhile now," said New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. "We have had outstanding quarterback play for far too long. It just allows teams to gameplan against our perfect routes and well thrown passes. What we need is a wildcard under center, someone who our opponents will never be able to guess what he's going to do wrong. You can plan how to exploit a weakness, but Vick has so many weaknesses, they'll never be able to plan for them all."

Belichick hopes to bring Vick out for a workout to see if he can still be as bad as he was before he left the league. The coach hopes Vick hasn't been practicing or anything while serving time.

Also hoping to be in the mix for the QB are the Cleveland Browns.

"Wow, the things he can do with dogs," said GM George Kokinis. "As a team symbolized by dogs, we have for too long been quiet lapdogs for the rest of the league. Obviously Vick knows how to whip them into shape and turn them into fighters, and that's just what this team needs. He can build some cages next to the locker room, maybe have Braylon Edwards put in there every time he drops a pass during a game. He'll have these guys ready to kill out there on the field, or in a smoky dimly lit basement, wherever there is football to be played."

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Posted on: April 21, 2009 10:23 am
 

Lions New Logo Looks Suspiciously Like Patriots

After the first 0-16 season in the history of the NFL, the Detroit Lions are looking for any way they can turn around the direction of their franchise. They hope to have made a big change with the unveiling today of a new logo, uniforms, and franchise quarterback.

The Lions held a press conference in Detroit to show off their new duds and team identity to the public for the first time. Their logo is now not that of a leaping blue lion, as it has been in the past, but that of a stylized American patriot looking forward while his colonial hat tails off behind him. They also showed off new uniforms that were silver, blue, and red, and looked suspiciously like those of the New England Patriots.

The press immediately began asking why their uniforms looked exactly like those of the team from Foxboro and what the man in the colonial hat had to do with lions.

"This is Liontamer Pat," said Detroit GM Martin Mayhew. "As everybody knows, liontamers are one of the oldest professions, dating back to the 1700's in American circuses. Hopefully people are excited about this new look for us, and we know it looks a lot like some other uniforms you have seen in the past. But that other team seemed mighty successful, so we are just going to try these out and see if we can have a little of that success too."

Mayhew then announced the signing of an undrafted free agent named Bom Trady to be their new franchise quarterback. Trady came out from behind a curtain to a cautious applause from the press, who quickly began trying to research on their laptops anything they could on this enigmatic young man. They found no record of his play in either high school or college, but Mayhew assured them that he was an exciting player who could throw the football like the best in the business.

Trady's height and weight are surprisingly the exact same as that of last year's starter Jon Kitna, but the team hopes he will have more success than that signal caller. Bom also strangely wears a Tom Brady halloween mask, but Mayhew assured the media that is was only due to the fact that he suffered horrific burns to his face as a kid. Jon Kitna was unavailable for comment at the time of the article, apparently he has been missing ever since the signing of the new QB.

The new Lions jerseys are now on sale in the NFL Shop, with a lot of confused fans trying to make sure they don't accidentally buy one when trying to get one they will not get made fun of for wearing, that of the New England Patriots.

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Posted on: April 2, 2009 9:54 am
Edited on: April 2, 2009 9:56 am
 

Celtic Scientists Shut Down Garnett For Repairs

Doc Rivers announced today that scientists from the Boston Celtics would be shutting down Kevin Garnett for repairs until the playoffs. Rivers said Garnett's knee has not been healing as well as the team would have hoped, so they were going to unplug him and remove his primary power circuits for a general repair.

"Something is clearly wrong with this model of Kevin Garnett," said Dr. Bashir, one of the creators of the cyborg seven-footer. "He has not won a championship for Boston in almost a year, and that is just not what he was programmed to do. When the Celtics hired me to build him, they wanted a player so great he could win 5 or 6 NBA titles per season, but not turn on mankind and make us all into robot-serving slaves. Last year was an absolute failure with just the one, so we'll try to improve this time around."

The scientist at Celtics Labs will go in and completely rebuild the knee from scratch, and have even considered replacing his entire legs with a hover craft or tank treads. There is nothing in league rules expressly forbidding a hovercraft, so the team hopes this could provide an edge in the playoffs over hovercraft-less centers like Dwight Howard.

Bashir's work as a cybernetics genius has come under fire recently as several of his models have failed to perform up to their expectations. But he says he expects his repairs on the David Ortiz and the Tom Brady to bring home more Boston championships next year.

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Posted on: March 31, 2009 10:04 am
 

Jay Cutler Insulted By Text Message From Coach

Reports surfaced out of Denver today that Jay Cutler and head coach Josh McDaniels have been exchanging text messages in hopes of patching up their relationship, which has grown increasingly rocky over the offseason. It was hoped that Cutler would return to Denver for voluntary workouts, but it appears that even the texting has rubbed Cutler the wrong way.

"Look, I really wanted to be a part of this team over the offseason, I really did," said Cutler. "We had a nice dialogue going, I started off by saying 'Hey m8! Wat r u up 2?' and he responded with an incredibly insulting 'ROFL, MBFYMADS!'. Now, everyone knows that means, 'Rolling on floor laughing, Mrs. Butterworth F*cks Your Mom All Day Sunday'. Why would he say something like that to me, and laugh about it?! Mrs. Butterworth is a delicious syrup shaped like a woman, how dare he deface her like this!"

In response to this insult, Cutler said he is going to sell another 2-3 houses and forgo another couple hundred thousand dollars in bonus money to further punish the team.

McDaniels responded by saying the whole thing was a big mixup, and he blames the translator he brought in to help him talk to the young man. Maria Young, a linguist who speaks multiple languages including fluent drunk asshole, hipster jagoff, and narcissistic douche quarterback, was the one responsible. She has helped teams communicate in the past with people such as Brett Favre and Ryan Leaf. But this time she thought she was texting an abbreviation that meant "My best friend, you're missing a dope scrimmage'.

McDaniels has since let go the translator, and cited the difficulty in relating to a 25-year-old detached white kid though text abbreviations for the misunderstanding. He said all communication with Cutler will now be handled by his 11-year-old daughter.

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