Tag:new york
Posted on: August 5, 2010 7:53 am

Obama To Issue Emergency College Football Relief

Seattle has been declared a national disaster area today by President Barack Obama, as last night the city managed to actually sell out an MLS game. The Seattle Sounders hosted the Los Angeles Galaxy at a packed Qwest Field, where people in attendance even wore Sounders apparel and seemed to understand what was going on on the field.

"Things are very bad in Seattle right now," said Obama in a statement made over national television. "This city is so desperate for real sports to return, they are enjoying soccer. I have never seen it so bad. With the failure of the Mariners to do anything this season, and the Supersonics having left, this city is in dire straights. They need a real sport to watch, and they need it now!"

"I am authorizing the national college football defense fund to be put into action to bring college football to this town as quickly as possible. I've told Washington and Washington State to hurry up and get their seasons underway. This city needs relief quickly, before the entire population is engulfed into rooting for an MLS team full time."

Reports are scarce from within the city limits, but its believed the people are so taken with soccer out of sports boredom, they have begun to wear the jerseys of players and check for box scores on the ESPN ticker. ESPN has responded saying that for their own safety, they will hide MLS scores and highlights extra deep in their programming, perhaps relgating it to ESPN News 2 En Espanol.

"We have to keep soccer as far away from these Seattle residents as possible," said VP of ESPN Programming Ken White. "These people are on the verge of full support of a soccer club. We have no idea what that could look like in this country! Can our people even handle it?! This could cause a breakdown of all civilization up there!"

Obama hopes the emergency doses of college football will help divert their attention from the strange sport, but if it's not enough more drastic measures may have to be taken.

"If these people do not snap out of this trance they seem to be under, we have the Seattle Seahawks standing by," stated Obama. "We have C-130's prepared to air drop the entire team onto the city, along with the Patriots, Steelers, and Giants. They have been told to play football ball anywhere and everywhere, to remind people what they are missing. I won't have my country taken over by this sport! It was bad enough we had to care about the World Cup for two weeks!"

"If all that fails, of course we will have to... nuke the entire city. It's the only way to be sure..."


Posted on: August 2, 2010 7:45 am

Discovery Channel Kicks Off San Jose Sharks Week

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

The show has garnered a lot of controversy with human rights groups, but the open hunting laws on San Jose Sharks players have stayed in place. The city claims that having it legal to catch and kill their hockey players is good for tourism, and doesn't really affect anyone outside of the players, as these people play in the NHL, so it's not like anyone knows who they are. They are also mostly Canadians. Besides, kids and families enjoy posing with the strung up dead bodies of Sharks players in the town square.

Other programs to be shown during this year's Shark Week include the specials:

  • Feeding Time- Documenting the double decker tourist buses that carry tourists around San Jose and throw raw fish and chum over the side to Sharks players who circle around the bus.
  • Ultimate Shark Jump- Happy Days star Henry Winkler attempts to jump over a San Jose Sharks practice ice rink on water skis, with the dangerous players circling below.
  • How To Survive A Shark Attack- Experts tell how to stay safe should you be attacked by a Sharks player who may mistake you for his usual prey of seal.

Critics of Shark Week continue to ask why such an unpopular sport and franchise was chosen as the subject for a weeklong celebration. Discovery claims that they just beat out more popular teams such as the New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Steelers. They say that the week is so popular, they can't change it to someone else now. Also, things such as hunting men and throwing raw fish around onto the streets are probably not allowed in a real city like New York.


Posted on: July 20, 2010 9:31 am
Edited on: July 20, 2010 9:32 am

A-Rod Provides 600 Free Balls To Poor Fans

As covered extensively on ESPN, Alex Rodriguez is nearly to a huge milestone in Major League Baseball, providing 600 balls to people with crappy seats at games. Rodriguez, as a relatively poor boy in the Dominican Republic, always had horrible seats to baseball games and vowed to one day become a dominant power hitter to make up for it.

As he hit number 598 over the weekend, the Yankee announcers talked about the generosity of A-Rod.

"Only a few players in history have been this great with giving free souvenirs to poor baseball fans," the announcers stated. "Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and of course the super philanthropist Barry Bonds; the man who risked his fertility, health, and size of his testicles to be able to give balls to people who can barely see the batter during the game."

"And Alex still has a few years left, he could wind up as the most charitable slugger of all time," replied the other announcer.

Rodriguez himself has said it was his poor upbringing that has him trying to give out free items to those whose tickets cost less than a beer. He also runs charities on the side like Homers For The Homeless, where he goes out on the streets of New York and hits balls directly at homeless people from a short distance to give them a piece of the game they can keep. His charity has handed out over 1000 balls unofficially, and put over 200 people in the hospital.

How many balls he hands out by the end of his career is anybody's guess, but 600 is quite a milestone, and for those in the outfield, its always exciting when he comes to the plate.


Posted on: June 29, 2010 7:59 am

Yanks Give Sox Literal Bulletin Board Material

A shipment of corkboard arrived at Fenway Park today, with a note from New York Yankees GM Brian Cashman. "Dear Red Sox," the letter began, "I noticed on a recent tour of your facilities that you didn't have a bulletin board to hang disparaging articles on that might contain offensive quotes from other teams, like ours. That is something all teams must do for motivation, and so sports radio hosts can speculate how big an effect said quotes will have on your performance against that team. Enjoy."

But Red Sox management did not take kindly to being sent this bulletin board material by a rival club. They immediately declared that they will instead buy their own bulletin board, and hang upon it a piece of this bulletin board material from the Yankees, as proof they don't think they are a professional franchise.

"The Yanks think we don't know what to put in a locker room?" said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. "We've been getting mad at them for years without the need to put quotes on the wall. But so be it, this bulletin board material they sent us will be the ultimate piece of bulletin board material!"

It's being speculated by New York talk radio that Cashman is currently in the process of hanging Epsteins quote on the Yankee Stadium bulletin board.


Posted on: April 2, 2008 2:27 pm
Edited on: April 2, 2008 2:31 pm

Mets Fan Gracious For Pedro's Wondrous 3-Innings

Pedro Martinez, one of the key pieces of the New York Mets rotation turned in 3 and 1/3 innings this season before hurting his hamstring and leaving the game. While he has not been the most durable of pitchers during his stay in New York, no one expected his season to be so short. He went down after throwing a pitch that tweaked the hammy, and left the field amidst a standing ovation. Everyone was extremely grateful for the great effort Martinez had given this team over the course of the grueling 3 innings.

"It's been one of the truly great baseball seasons," said ESPN analyst Peter Gammons. "In a century people will look back on this year and say, wow, how did Pedro do it? It's just so impressive. I know we're only 2 days into the season, but I don't think it's too early to start talking about the Cy Young. Not only should Pedro be in contention for it, but I think we should rename it to the Pedro Martinez Award."

Martinez was not pitching a good game at the time of his exit by normal standards, and will have a 10.80 ERA on the season. "Pedro isn't one those power pitchers who has a single digit ERA," said longtime Mets fan Aaron Gale. "He's going to be in the high teens, early twenties region, and that's just how he does it. People will ask me later in life what it was like to watch 'The Season', as it will certainly be called from now on. I'll tell them it was magical, something I wouldn't trade for anything. To see a player battle over the course of a long 3 innings, it's just a feat you don't get to see many times in your life."

Martinez was a little somber about the season. "Well, we had a good run there. There were so many ups and downs during my excrutiating season, I'm just glad it's over. I remember this one time I got a strikeout, and this other time I threw a ball. So many great memories from this year. But now I can relax and get ready for next season, the year I'm finally going to be healthy."


The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com