Tag:new york giants
Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:20 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:46 am
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Plaxico Still Not Talking To Hand After Shooting

Plaxico Burress is still not on speaking terms with his right hand, two weeks after it shot him in a night club with his own gun. Before the incident, Burress had listed his right hand as his favorite body part on his NYGiants.com bio page, followed closely by his left kidney and his "massive shlong". But since the shooting, the two have not spoke or even seen each other, as they both learn to deal with the aftermath of the tragedy.

"I wear a glove on him now," said Plaxico in a sit-down for Real Sports With Brian Gumbel. "I get laughed at for looking like Michael Jackson, but I can't bear to see that hand again. Not after what he did to me. We used to do all kinds of things together. I'd drink a beer with him, brush my teeth using him, I'd even use him to play halo. But now I only use the left. You should see what my kill-death ratio in Halo is now...It's horrible. I miss him, but I just can't get over what happened. I even masturbate with my left hand now. It's not as good as he was, but at least I don't have to worry about it shooting me while we are in the act."

Plaxico's hand was remorseful for the accident. "I didn't know it would happen," said his right hand. "If I could go back in time, I would take it back in an instant. But, what's done is done, and I feel like I have lost my friend forever. We used to be inseparable, like we were joined at the wrist. I hope that one day we can be together again. I hope that one day he can forgive me for what I have done."

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Posted on: December 9, 2008 10:11 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:18 am
 

My Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Saints might not look all that good on either side of the football this season, but they are great at one thing, and that's peeing. 4 of their players even risked a suspension so that they could use a banned diuretic for even better peeing. That is urination dedication, and since their suspension was lifted for this game I predict lots of bathroom use at the Superdome.
  • The Giants are going to light up the scoreboard against an Eagles team who seems to be about out of the playoff picture. Look for this one to be over by halftime.
  • The Cincinnati Bengals have a good chance to play spoiler this week against the Indianapolis Colts...They can spoil the chances for the Colts fans of watching a competitive game for which they paid $60-$200 dollars to see. "You suckers, didn't you see the CIN on the schedule when you bought these?" -Marvin Lewis
  • Poor Tom Jackson, now on Monday Night Countdown the only people they can get to do their completely pointless re-enactment of plays on that fake studio field with him are video game generated players. He must be quite an asshole.
  • It's an exciting weekend in the NFL, as Toronto finally gets a chance to check out why Buffalo no longer wants the Bills to play in the same country as them anymore.
  • Dallas is remaining in contention for a playoff spot because Tony Romo does not turn the ball over. That will be the difference this week as they pull of a big win over the Steelers.
  • It's going to be interesting to see if 3rd string quarterback Ken Dorsey can be as horrible as Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson have been for the Browns, after both went down with injuries. The only reason Browns fans still go to games is so they can have fun booing the QB, so he better not disappoint and throw some touchdowns.
  • New England just doesn't have the comeback ability they did last year. If they get behind against a team, especially one they should be whipping up on, they don't have the mental fortitude to come through it.
  • I keep hearing about companies that are going under in the current recession we are going through. I can only hope that one of them is that fake Progressive Direct Car Insurance store where the annoying lady with too much makeup makes bad jokes and gives people boxes of car insurance.
  • Oakland fans get to witness the first ever football game in 3-D. They can now watch their team fumble and throw interceptions that leap right off the screen and into their living room.
  • If the Lions get a lead and a chance to avoid being the first 0-16 team in history, you can be sure they will not blow it to a backup quarterback who got benched for an 80 year old Gus Frerotte...
  • You can stop right now Kay Jewelers, you have been taunting us men with all these overly romantic and creative marriage proposals for years that have made or will make our real ones look like a crap sandwich. We know you are probably run by a bunch of rich men, and you are supposed to be on our side here. Would it be too much to ask for a realistic commercial with an asshole who refuses to commit to a ring because he still wants to play the field and see if he has a shot with the secretary at work? Something to help us out a little for a chance please...
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Posted on: November 18, 2008 9:44 am
Edited on: November 18, 2008 9:50 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • The Cincinnati Bengals and Philadelphia Eagles are just two teams on completely different ends of the spectrum, don't look for this game to be close on the scoreboard at any point during the day.
  • Benjarvis Green-Ellis, you are now a part of my amazing fantasy roster along with Carson Palmer and Laurence Maroney. I know you are going to get about 30 carries per game and get enough points to carry me to a championship.
  • 5 Hour Energy, 5 minutes and 5 dollars spent on the production value of our commercials.
  • Eh, Steelers and Chargers going at it again. This is a matchup we have seen so many times in the past, and with their offenses we will have a score we have seen many times in the past too.
  • With the way the Packers have been playing lately, the Bears can easily just mark this game as a big blowout win on their calendars. Feel free to use permanent marker too, you guys are even getting back the dynamic and amazing Kyle Orton as well!
  • Sorry Buccaneers, but if you want to get consistent wins you're going to have to get someone in at QB who makes fewer errors than Jeff Garcia. That guy is just not an efficient game manager.
  • Is anyone else concerned that over the last several years the nerdy "Can You Hear Me Now?" guy from Verizon has been steadily building up an army with which he confronts people who would dare question the reliability of his network? What happens when and if he decides to turn them on the rest of us? Nerdocalypse. That's what.
  • The Dolphins look pretty good, but they are going to have to work with Chad Pennington because he can't hit the broad side of a barn out there on the field. The box score for last Sunday's game left their star wide receiving Barn with 0 catches once again, something they will need to remedy to win.
  • The Giants won't be much of a match out there for Baltimore due to their bruising run defense. It will be like trying to run against a brick wall.
  • In meetings this week, the Jaguars defensive secondary was focusing on one thing about the Titans, and that's double or triple coverage of wideout Justin Gage. They are going to shut him down hard.
  • If only there really was an airline run by roadies, I would feel very safe being 15,000 feet up in the air with my life in the hands of dirty 40-year-old white guys wearing leather chaps. But hey, at least they are communicating efficiently with their awesome push to talk cellphones. Hopefully they can push to talk an SOS as we plumit to the ground.
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Posted on: October 6, 2008 9:49 am
Edited on: October 6, 2008 9:54 am
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Posted on: September 16, 2008 10:34 am
Edited on: September 16, 2008 10:37 am
 

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • A little known fact around the NFL is the close friendship of Norv Turner and Ed Hochuli. They frequently spend their off time fishing, riding a bicycle built for two, sharing a plate of spaghetti like in the movie "Lady & The Tramp". It's a wonderful friendship, and more than just a little gay. But these guys are the best of friends, and I can't see anything getting in the way of that.
  • Now that Chad Johnson has changed to his Ocho Cinco jersey, this offense will really get going.
  • All the teases CBS ran for 60 Minutes asking the question "Want to find out all about Supreme Court Justice Scalia?" were really on the money for the football audience. The first thing they love is sports, the second thing is Supreme Court Justice biographies.
  • There has been no Super Bowl winner as big a fluke as the New York Giants. They will struggle to keep narrowly beating teams all season.
  • Watch Out For "Big Play" Tarvaris Jackson this week against a weak Colts secondary.
  • I'm glad the Chiefs have finally decided on a quarterback in Damon Huard, I bet they stick with him for awhile. They have someone named Tyler Thigpen as their third QB, thank God we never have to see that name on the field.
  • You've gotta love all the guys sorting through papers and surfing the internet in the background of the NFL On FOX Pregame show. I want that job, the job of looking busy and acting like things are going on.
  • I hear Cleveland has beautiful weather this time of year.
  • At least Miami has their great defense to keep them in games this season. Kurt Warner might make a few passes, but he can't throw the long ball like he used to.
  • I just got back in town from a long vacation overseas! I had my late fantasy draft on friday, and managed to get Tom Brady with the last pick in the first round! I am going to dominate these fools! I can't wait to see how he does later today.
SportsComedian.com
Posted on: August 19, 2008 1:36 pm
Edited on: August 19, 2008 1:40 pm
 

Bears Coach Fired For Horrible Preseason Record

Lovie Smith has been fired today by the Chicago Bears for struggling all pre-season to a horrible 0-2 record. This was quite a disappointment for Chicago, who had been favored to do well in the preseason, mainly because they would be playing against backups most of the time instead of real NFL quality players. But their team was devastated by injuries, and they sometimes had to go to 3rd and 4th string players late in games because of it. Starting QB Rex Grossman has passed for a paltry 120 yards on the season, and was benched after only the 1st quarter of some games this year.

"We had hoped to compete for a playoff spot this year," said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. "But with the preseason half over, and us without a single win, that doesn't leave much time to turn things around. I've been told by the league that we can't make make the playoffs at all no matter what we do in these final two games. But, I don't like to believe that we're playing for nothing, I think these games will matter to getting this team back on track for next year."

"Well, I think we all saw this coming," said a distraught Lovie Smith after hearing the news. "To be winless here at 0-2, with other awful franchises like the Giants and Patriots, it hurts. It hurts this city to be associated with garbage teams like that. I couldn't really settle on my personnel. I think we used 14 different receivers in the last game, that was probably a bad idea. I didn't play some of our really good players. I let my 12 year old son call some plays, because I thought it didn't matter what we did really as long as no one got hurt. But it did matter, we are an embarrassment, and hopefully an interim coach can fix some things and get us turned around."

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Posted on: January 15, 2008 11:33 am
Edited on: January 15, 2008 11:36 am
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