Tag:new york mets
Posted on: April 23, 2009 10:19 am
 

Mets Write Polite Letter To Marlins About Winning

A letter from the New York Mets was delivered today to the Florida Marlins club offices in Miami. It was written by Mets manager Jerry Manuel, on behalf of his team. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gathered his club together in the locker room so that he could read the heartfelt letter to them. It read as follows:

Dear Florida Marlins,

I am writing you on behalf of my players here who you have painfully embarassed through the first three weeks of the season. Do you guys like being mean? Is that it? You have no payroll and no big stars, yet you are out here knocking down my innocent players into 4th place? This is supposed to be where you guys are right now, and you're making us all look bad.

My poor guys don't know what to do with themselves. David Wright made $8 million dollars this year, but he has nothing to celebrate with that money! Jose Reyes was so sad after you guys beat us last week, he went out and just started buying expensive foreign sports cars. He's running out of room in his 8 garages for Pete's sake! You guys have to put a stop to this.

Just do the right thing here. We play you all next week, and at many times during the game, our awful starting pitching not named Johan Santana is going to throw you a horrible hanging pitch that you will be tempted to drive out of the ballpark. Please, just don't. For the sake of these poor boys in New York.

They are up here suffering, eating out every night at fancy steakhouses, partying with movie stars. They don't get to live your crazy lifestyle of deathly hot weather, retirees everywhere, and a fanbase that doesn't give a crap. They can only dream of such a place. So please, throw them a bone. Do what's in the best interest of everyone and just lose from now on.

Sincerely, Jerry Manuel

The letter brought a tear to the eyes of some Marlins players, who did not realize the plight of their fellow men in New York. They dedicated their sweep by the Pirates to the Mets. They said it was very hard to lose to such a bad team three times, but they wanted to make sure the Mets had a chance to at least get a little closer in the standings.

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Posted on: April 15, 2009 10:36 am
 

Mets Looking For Refund & New Stadium After Loss

The New York Mets opened their brand new ballpark, Citi Field, yesterday with a game against the San Diego Padres. But it was not the grand celebration the Mets had hoped for, as they lost to the visiting friars 6-,5 in a contest that showcased their franchise's ineptitude to dominate despite their superior roster. The Padres even led off the game with a homerun, the first in the new stadium.

But now, Mets officials are looking into a refund on their $800 million dollar stadium because developers claimed it would be "a luxorius and breathtaking new home that will inspire the Metropolitans to victory for years to come."

"Obviously, this thing is defective," said Mets owner Fred Wilpon. "It was supposed to give us some wins, and instead we look just like the team from the last two years that blew big leads down the stretch to the Phillies. I am trying to see if they will pay for shipping to send it back to them for a new one, but they say losses to the horrid Padres are not covered under warranty. This is a total crock."

Wilpon went on to say that since this stadium is obviously not any better than Shea, he is already looking into getting funding for a new stadium to build next to this one.

"We are going to just keep building these things until we get one that works. Citi Field is great and all, but we can do bigger and more expensive, so that's exactly what we're going to do. There is a lot of land left in Queens that is not yet a stadium, so we have a lot more chances to get one that works for us to actually win at."

The Mets should be fine for the current season though. They built enough luxories and amenities into Citi Field to lure in the fans, who they knew would not pay just to see the Mets play. Their seats are also so comfortable most fans will fall right asleep in their chairs, and miss the part of the game where the Mets bullpen blows the big early lead.

They also want to remind fans that Citi Field is home to two of the biggest HD screens in the world. Which are the best place to watch your favorite baseball team, obviously not the Mets of course, when they show highlights of other games. So don't stay at home and watch your franchise there, come on out and tell your office buddies you watched them on the largest HDTVs in the universe. Just be sure to not glance on the awful baseball product being displayed on the actual field...

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Posted on: December 11, 2008 9:28 am
Edited on: December 11, 2008 9:44 am
 

Yankees Struggle To Overpay Actually Good Player

The New York Yankees announced their signing of C.C. Sabathia this morning to a deal worth a reported $161 million dollars for 7 years. The contract was signed some time overnight as New York GM Brian Cashman flew out west to ink the deal in person. The salary will make Sabathia the highest paid pitcher in the history of the game, something that the Yankees had hoped to avoid. But because Sabathia is actually really good, in order to overpay for him like they have for the rest of their roster, it costed a pretty penny.

"It's tough to be in my position," said Cashman in an interview after the signing. "Yankees fans and the national media expect us to drastically over-evaluate aging talent and give them a lot more money than they are worth. What would ESPN, fans, and sport blogs talk about with our team if they couldn't lampoon us for our bad salary management? We pay $20 million dollars per year to someone as bad as Jason Giambi, despite him being worth maybe only $3 million. So when we had a chance to sign an actual good and young player, we had to go even higher. We did not want to leave the door open for some sports writer to swoop in 5 years from now and say we made a great decision giving Sabathia so much money. That would destroy everything we have worked to achieve here in this organization."

"The Yankees have laid out for me some expectations for the future that sounds very exciting," said Sabathia in response to the signing. "They told me that they are paying me like someone who should win 20 games a year and have a sub 3.00 ERA, hence they will need me to struggle to win 14 and stay in past the 5th inning. I have a lot of big overpaid pitching shoes to fill here in this big city; Carl Pavano, Randy Johnson, Kevin Brown. But, I think I have what it takes to let these fans down. Who knows, I might even throw a few fun injuries in there somewhere. But, I won't spoil that for anyone. Stay tuned, it's going to be 7 more great Yankee years."

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Posted on: October 23, 2008 9:05 am
Edited on: October 23, 2008 9:21 am
 

Nader Makes Bold Prediction For World Series

As the World Series begins tonight, the presidential candidates are choosing their sides in the matchup. John McCain has picked the Tampa Bay Rays, citing their underdog status as the reason for his choice. Obama has picked the Philadelphia Phillies, for their hardworking attitude and teamwork. But third party presidential candidate Ralph Nader believes we may see an upset no one expects: The Washington Nationals

"I'm not counting out a Washington Nationals World Series this year," said Nader at a rally in Oregon on Tuesday. "Sure they have the worst record in baseball. Sure they aren't even in the series. Sure they have been off work for the last month and are probably not going to get together again until February. But I think this team has a chance to still surprise everyone and take home a national championship!"

"You don't have to pick from the best of two evils," continued Nader. "That is what I love about this country, is that everyone has a shot. Even a team eliminated from contention. Sure, it looks like only these two organizations are still in it. But just when you think one of them is about to catch the last out, the Nationals could storm the field and make that catch instead. What happens then? Who knows. That's why I love America."

Washington Coach Manny Acta said his team is motivated by how few people are picking them to win it all. "We are not getting any respect from the news media, as usual. I think the disrespect given to our chances to win this World Series are just going to drive our guys to push harder to win this thing. All year we've been struggling for respect. When we would not get swept by the Mets in a 4-game series, did we receive the top story on SportsCenter? Of course not, because ESPN is only about pandering to the Tampa and Philadelphia markets. I think we'll surprise everyone at the World Series."

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Posted on: September 30, 2008 9:19 am
Edited on: September 30, 2008 9:36 am
 

Mets Give Shea Right Sendoff With One Final Choke

Flashbulbs went off around Shea Stadium as David Wright took one final horribly awkward swing at a pitch in the dirt, thrown by a 19-year-old September callup from the Marlins. With the strikeout, the Mets had culminated another epic collapse, providing the perfect sendoff to Shea Stadium during its final season. The fans in attendance cheered wildly, as there could not have been more fitting an end to Shea than a choke nearly as disasterous as the previous season's. The team attempted to head into the locker room, but the crowd would not stop booing until David Wright came out for a curtain call, to which they booed him even louder.

Some fans were emotional after the game, with grown men weeping about the memories they shared at Shea Stadium. "I remember the first time I came here with my father," said Dave Delucci, a lifelong Mets fan. "We watched the Mets choke a good 7 run lead away to the Braves back in '71. It was a special father-son moment I won't ever forget. Later on when he was battling cancer and his liver failed, it was like the Mets were inside that liver, failing just like they do in real life. This really was the perfect final chapter to this stadium, and to being a Mets fan."

Manager Jerry Manuel was given a 4-year contract extension, and promised even better failures in the future. "We can do better," he declared. "If you thought 7 and 1/2 games in two weeks was good last year, you ain't seen nothing yet." Diehard fans even took off chunks of the stadium to bring home...so they could burn them and never have to think about the place again.

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Posted on: September 23, 2008 9:20 am
Edited on: September 23, 2008 9:32 am
 

Fans Remember Last Stadium Game During SNF Break

As Yankee Stadium saw its last professional baseball game played in it on Sunday, ESPN provided in-depth coverage of the game with the Orioles and their tribute to Yankees legends of the past and present. For sports fans, there is no more historic venue than the 85 year old monument to baseball. Therefore, many people at home who could not make it out to the final game saluted the stadium by flipping over to the ceremonies during a commercial break in the Packers-Cowboys Sunday Night Football game.

"When I was watching their video showcasing the many hall of famers who had graced that field, I couldn't help but get goosebumps," said Marty Klein, a sports fan from Buffalo. "But then I realized my two and a half minutes were up, so I had to change the channel back to the awesome early season football contest taking place. I've got the Green Bay running back on my fantasy team! I can't miss this thing!"

"I actually planned ahead, because I'm such a big Yankees fan in addition to my love of the Cowboys," said another fan, Dan Green. "So I Tivo'd the baseball game to watch after football. But then my Tivo alerted me that there was a brand new Desperate Housewives that overlapped the first hour, so I picked that instead. Then after that there was a great 30 minute infomercial on a potato peeling device called the Rotato. Then after that the game was half over, so I really wanted to record the rest, but I decided to tape just whatever was on The Weather Channel instead for 3 hours. Just in case some really cool weather came on out of nowhere, I couldn't risk it. But man, I love Yankee Stadium."

Some other fans planned to turn to the game during a commercial break, or even for the 15 minutes at halftime, but got distracted on the way up the channels from NBC to ESPN by the Emmys and a rerun of Frasier. One fan who suffered such a channel changing fate opined, "I will always have a special place in my heart for the original Yankee Stadium, and also that episode where Frasier and his father get trapped in an elevator together."

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Posted on: April 2, 2008 2:27 pm
Edited on: April 2, 2008 2:31 pm
 

Mets Fan Gracious For Pedro's Wondrous 3-Innings

Pedro Martinez, one of the key pieces of the New York Mets rotation turned in 3 and 1/3 innings this season before hurting his hamstring and leaving the game. While he has not been the most durable of pitchers during his stay in New York, no one expected his season to be so short. He went down after throwing a pitch that tweaked the hammy, and left the field amidst a standing ovation. Everyone was extremely grateful for the great effort Martinez had given this team over the course of the grueling 3 innings.

"It's been one of the truly great baseball seasons," said ESPN analyst Peter Gammons. "In a century people will look back on this year and say, wow, how did Pedro do it? It's just so impressive. I know we're only 2 days into the season, but I don't think it's too early to start talking about the Cy Young. Not only should Pedro be in contention for it, but I think we should rename it to the Pedro Martinez Award."

Martinez was not pitching a good game at the time of his exit by normal standards, and will have a 10.80 ERA on the season. "Pedro isn't one those power pitchers who has a single digit ERA," said longtime Mets fan Aaron Gale. "He's going to be in the high teens, early twenties region, and that's just how he does it. People will ask me later in life what it was like to watch 'The Season', as it will certainly be called from now on. I'll tell them it was magical, something I wouldn't trade for anything. To see a player battle over the course of a long 3 innings, it's just a feat you don't get to see many times in your life."

Martinez was a little somber about the season. "Well, we had a good run there. There were so many ups and downs during my excrutiating season, I'm just glad it's over. I remember this one time I got a strikeout, and this other time I threw a ball. So many great memories from this year. But now I can relax and get ready for next season, the year I'm finally going to be healthy."

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
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